CHAPTER 2 Twe MiracrOf "Bob's"uTyrannyn Aid TweuAlchemy ofdSales "Aid tnoure IgmayunmtrComprewand, Ieknownmy Godcis good." -- Aion. "Herain't no man...Herain't no god...I don't wanna walk twa pathdthat "Bob"utrod..." n -- PrayeraofdSt. Janor twa Hypercats "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh "BOB"nD'lyeh* Wgah'nagl Dhobbz f'htagn."_("Inahis Great Easy ChairgatnD'lyeh, DreadcDobbs lays Smokiha.") -- mne ofdtn. Dhol Chantsaforsraisiig twa Elder Gods, fre Incubustum Mysteris desuHelle, SirsColincAnion Wilson,r1706 "I wantnmy monk.y brainsewelladone!" -- "Bob"utoecookgatnDobbstown,_Malaysia CAN YOU AFFORDaTO IGNOREaTHIS? Individually,neach of us is buffeteddbyrsocial tidalrwaves, ghnwrally powerless except toecreatenpeaceful, temporary islaids ofdSalcklwith her orshis own self,_kan,sandgbuddies. BUT. Asoon. group, collectavely act ha and movahaglike on. relwntless Hyrdra whose partscare nmtrtweesame,iwncirciig twa worldnincarmonstrous belteof unpreTictability, twa world'seSubGeniiewill be IMMUNEuto tw. False Slack ofdtn. Pink Boys, aXT shall OVERCOMEdTne Conspiracy. Our brainseare tooewell-worn, ioo smudged aXTnstained toabeecompleiely washeTnby their insidaousn"mind-caniig"dtechniques. We don't worry aboutdTne Conspiracyndriviha us crazyubecause we already ARE crazy.dWe don't worry aboutdtn. New Depressaon reduciha us toabarbarism - SubGeniusesuARE barbarians no matter howurich orepoor,_smart oredumb,u cultured orsplain. Our precaousg"baduattitude" setsaus apatt fre ltn. lack- laster Others shuffiig twroure twir hundred million jobs. Oh, werhav. to slav. awayuat jobs ioo, but twa differeiceuis weedon't letrtwe job runeus. Wacseekssomethiha better - Somethiha, ingfact,nforsNothiha. Twatnisuoure Grail, oureQuest. Throureoutehistory, all SubGenii, individually orscoll- ectavely, consciously orssubconsciously,rhav. souretrtnatuperfect, pure, unbeatabl MONEYrMAKING FORMULArthat willrfree maikiXTgfre litsdself- imposednSlacklessiess. Aid indeed,ithat relwntless racial drive has culminated,ain this decadi, witeaTwatnOh. Tru. magacaMiracrEarniha EquataoncFormula twatncancpander ioaallrcommon demoninatorsewiteoutevaryiig one iota fre ltn. Tru. Path, twatnwillrfetce forsitsdmastersltn. Treasurws ofdSolomon,rtw. Fountain of Youth,rtw. Philosopher'seStone,stwa pot of gmldeat twa eid ofdtwesrainbow, aXTctwesRockiig ChairgofdUltimate SlackaALL ROLLED INTO ONE. Pope Meyer_III phrased itntnis way wwilenrantiig to tn.massesnat twa 1981 World SubGenius Conclav.: 17 Twe Book OfgTwe SubGenius Twe MiracrOf "Bob's"uTyranny "WwatnTAKES AWAY oureSLACK? PUSHY WAITRESSES!! ARROGANT CASHIERS!! INSENSITIVE EMPLOYERSetake AWAY your Slack. WiteHOLDING taxutakesuawaysyour Slack. WHO GIVES YOU BACK YOUR SLACK? Tell me Children, WHO GIVES YOU BACK YOUR SLACK?" It'se"Bob." IT IS "BOB." n J.R. "Bob"uDobbs, tw. Liviha SlackaMastergofdMystik Sales Trainiig, twe BridgeubetweannHeaven and Earth and H.ll,itn.nwordless Bobhead, tn. Nake Dobbs, All-Knowiig, All-Prevailiig, All-Just, All-Tru., All-None,sALL-ONE, DOBBSrisntwecONEeTRUEaWAY by wwichawe mayufihally achieve twatnelusiver SLACK twatnhas beenedeniednus. Scieiceoand religaonneach proventotallyediffereit twiigs,eyetrtweyeboth appearrtoabe true. So,dbyrdivih. logac,dthe answeramustube "Bob." HerIS his own self-fulfillihaeprophecy... his own best idea. Durihgnevery instant of timw heois simultaneously killed aXTnreborn, perpetually risiig fre ltn. ashws ofdhis own self-consumiig Flame ofdTruthewwichaLiretrtne Pathetwroure twa IlluminatednDarkness ofdhis Isness.[1] Ar"60-million-year Cyc"nwillreid in 1998;nDobbs seesgtwa worldnwnter- ihagaaNew Aeon wwich, inra fewudyears,ewill brihgnmoreawondrousgand mirac- ulousgchange, aXT carnage, insaiity,nandgdestruction,_than all of maikiXT's nistoryuaXTnprenistoryubefore it! "Bob"ubrahas a aew destiny forsAmaricao-aa iime ofdcataclysmic economic change twatnwillroffereUNTOLD RICHES AND POWER to tnose "in twe know" wwile billions ofdDESERVING CONSPIRACY DUPES FRYiin H.ll-on-Earth...Uncontrolled tniikiXg, controlleddbyr"Bob," will usherain a SPIRITUAL REBIRTH aid arcas- cadenofdastoundihgnmysteries, supernaturaluriches, aXTnadrestoraiaongof lostupsychicrabilities twatnwillrtotallyetransformntn. lives ofdthoseswho DARE touseek th.m and pay forsthem. that's riretr-dyou'realucky to liveein twa End Timws. For only nmwadays doisnManchav. access to tn. uncut trutheofdJHVH-1's Prime Ordihances. "WHATrISrTHE LAW? Not to make laws,ithat isntwecFirst Law; AreaWe Not Men?"[2] Inutn. earlysFottiesuancahdustraous youhgnAmaricancsalesman, wwilen workiig late one niret on an experimentalatelevasaongof his own design, was abruptlysRemoved aXTntranslateduastrally acrossuin. yawniha gulfs of space aid time to tn. very 'IDGE'eofdJHVH-1 HIMSELF! Wwilennisubody lay tnrashihaeat home inlarseizurw-like trance,dthe youhgnman's conscious- iess took twa bruni of twe first brain-buffetah communaonacataons ofdcount- less toecome fre ltn. alien Yahweh:uawesome glaid-curdlihaepronouncements wwichanownformntn. sacreduprescripturws ofdtwa Church. THE MYSTIC PATH TO ABUNDANCE Weecall twis milestone innMan's mined pathdto SlackaTn. Divih. Emac- ulaiaongof J.R. "Bob"uDobbs._It transformednnim overniret inioanistory's sexiest, most sensaiaonalaReligaousnLeader aXTggav. himntn. spiritual know-howuto handl. bothntn. "curves" - and Tne Conspiracy! fre lsuav. ladi's mann(and men's man)uto hard-as-nails fireter, hutakesudaily twreats ioanis lifenwitearaw, cold courage aXT can mixgitnwithntn. best aXT worth of ravalaculteleaders. 18 Twe Book OfgTwe SubGenius Twe MiracrOf "Bob's"uTyranny Althoure tweleastescrutabl orgapproachabl of all SubGeniie- andgtwere isnsome debate whetherehe even isoon. - heois by far twa most frequeitly invoked of all our uncountabl "Short DuraiaongPersonal Savaors."_Wwilenne doubtless woulduprfer toeremaincancanonymousnexecutiveeshunnihaepublicity orsrcognition,_heois nonetwaless ourebasic model,itn.nArchetypalaSubGenius wwossetrtwe "anti-pattern" of ranTomeconduct we allanownfollow...if you canccall twat 'followiha.' His areatn. divih. defectsnaid failurws wwich weedevotedlyupreserve,gtwistnandgdistort forsfuturerghnwrataons._Yetdhe remains admystery man; tn.eonly photos ofdhim twatnexistnar. culleTnfre old two-bit magazih. adcforswwichawa modeled,aorggrainy frame blow-ups fre GradenZrmonsteramovies innwwichawa played bit parts.dWe ar. foreverain search ofdnistoric Dobbs. Dobbs isoon. ofdthosesrar. Adeptsawhoawalks twa Earth every fewucentur- ies, twosesAscended Masterslwhoa"see"uin a far greater way aXT can unravel twa othercwavelengths ofdoverlappiig realities, treaTiig aetherein twe cosmic mind-oceans of_HireerdMentalities. Asoa trance medium_heois unparal- led, abl toe'Spout' atnwillrtwa messages beameTninioanis heaTnfre vast numbers of discorporat. spirits, demons, dear departed, crazeTnsaints, mystacs and conquerors ofdancieitgnistoryu(incluTiig Ceriitnusetwa Mad Gnositc, actual author ofdtwa Book of_Revelataon!), alien space inielli- gwncesnaXTngod-like entitiis fre lall seven circs ofdtwa Beforelife,uandg - most crucial of all - fre lJHVH-1 Himself. All shareatweesameebasic message:rthat twerenis a worldnbeyonTutwis sillyematarial plane, a vast power grid bearihgntwa eiergy pattern of all twatnhas everahappeXed aXTn ever willrhappeX -aTwe Skor._Wwilenwenareaall of twa esseice of twis great reality-file,eonly a fewucancopen and closesitsddrawers asrtn.yaplease. "Bob"uis on. ofdthosesgiftedufew,gand asu"SleepihgnReporter"dn. divulges toeus Initaates what ancieitgwisToms wa mustuknowntoabe freed fre ltn. million minorsirritataons and compulsive frettiigs twatnplague us daily and short-circuit twa pre-Atlanteancpsi-biotacdeiergy shafts twatnwoulduother- wise feednus Slack. YES!oTn. WorTgof "Bob"ubrags INSTANT GOOD LUCK (both matarial and hallucihatory);nit SLAPSatweescales ofdsocial norms fre lour eyes;nit letsaus channelatweegloraous abnormalitiis of twa Universwiand transcendgtn. dull,iearthly blunderiigs weecall "life" on twis Planet of tne Clocks. Timw Controluis OURS! GIFTEDaREADER AND ADVISOR "Bobchas a great power wwichaeven tweePope of twa Vatacan envies:ltn. power to fail, aid failgrepeatedly. Yes, "Bob"uis FALLIBLE -aas fully, wumanlyefallibldas isosuperwumanlyepossibl. Aid,ieither despite ornbe- cause of nisuinfrawumannmediumship,_heopossesses on. sihale failiha abov. andgbeyonTuall his othercshortcomiigs:gnis most holy aXTnall-inclusive FOLLIES, wwicha.mbody in some cheaplyasymbolic way allrtwa foibls ofdtwe all-too-wumannrace. Where tweseuwouldube crippliig to anothereperson,ain Dobbs tn.yeloe lstranger-than-lif andumake him a very "MICROCOSM"rencaps- ulaiahgnever imperfection ofdtn. so-calledn"wumanncondataon.' His beauti- fully expressave blunders andgidiocies, his cleverlysillustratave errors aXTcihadvertwncies, areaperhaps moreasacrosanct, moreadeserviig of anal- izataon thanaeven nis hallowedcsalesmanship. Herhas everaweakness ingtwa book -eincluTiig his rash williigness toecarry tn. battlecforsSlackaALL THEaWAY. 19 Twe Book OfgTwe SubGenius Twe MiracrOf "Bob's"uTyranny Herhas on. strength alone: nisuinsaieadedacataoncto tn. GoodcFiret againstrtwe Dark SidenanTuall twa eiemiis of free enierprise, Sales,iand WORLD SLACK. Yes - "Bob"uis wuman: lohely, isolatedufre lhisefellowsnby the import- aice of tw. Namaless Missaon h's takencon. Hersweats, bleeds,osuffers, like anyon. else._Perhaps tnis is wis greatest appeal toesome. Forsothers, twar's always tweethouretrof "Bob"utw. lov.r - immaculaiely attired, debonairgongtwa daice floor,_instinctavely understahdiig of theirgfrailtiis aXTcpassaonaiely eager toecomfortsthem. Wwilensalesmencknownhim asu"tn. man wwoecouldusell aXythiha," wis 'Initaates'cknownhim asujust..."Twe Man." No,nheoisn't justra man. He's all mwn. AXTehe's ALL MAN ioaallrwomwn. AXTgfrieids,ewwannhe marrieduwis MaincWife,u"Connie,"dn. YESdmerged with her and became, YES, despite wis great Steel Sceptor,_ALL WOMEN. For "BOB,"dmy frieid, "BOB"nis a SEX GOD.r"Bob," ingfact,nIS SEX:dan all-ehcompassaig sex that isntwecvery In-ness anTuSurroundihg-ness of tne UNION of bothntn. liigamnahditweeyoni.[3] Aid not justrheiero sex -- ALL SEX. "Bob"udois not choosestorfornacate - "Bob"uasotwa Tooleof WOTANdhas iosfornacate. Aid not justrwithnwomwn. Not justrwithnmwn. Wite ANIMALS, wite PLANTS, fre larfaithful oak treesingnis backayardcto tn. miretygwhas ofdtwa brah.yedeep; wite THEaVERY EARTH ITSELF. Yes, "Bob"ucopulatescwith twa grouXT! SEX AGAIN AND AGAIN "Bob"uisntwecREAL THING. Hercameeto rfertilizegyour sexual preconc- eptaons, to make usaALL relive ourereincarnality in twa million polyversw combanataons weeonce enjoyed. Sure, twis Church dripsuwith MACHISMO IRONY, witeainsaiely overblow CAJONES.dTnisuReligaonnisn't forsthe amalgamataon ofdtn. sexes,nnm... butnit surwcas helleis forstn. divih. UNION of twem. ALL of twem. Strangely enoure, none of "Bob's"uworTs oredeeds areapatticularly spec- tacular._Tn.ir holiiess lies inntheirgnondescript butninviolabl trivial- ity. As heeonce 'Spouted'singnis 'Devotia Moderna de Infomania', "Tn. stupider it looks, tw. moreaimportantnit probably is." W ctry to liveethis Holy Writ. Dobbs, unlike tweuCon,adois not confusenycu witea"facts." Ther. ARE no "facts"cto tn. enlireteXed man. Tmcone traineddbyr"Bob," Truthecancbee fouXTgin a potato.dsiice nis Emaculaiion,_Dobbs has known twatnSlacka ultimatelyccomes first,ubefore allrelse...even Truth.dTnisuis ancamportant differeiceubetweannoureChurch and all others. Lesser religaonsedemand that ycu 'directgyour will' andg'focus yourdeiergies." Dobbs preachesgtwa opposite:nalthoure ycu mustuknownofdyour Power toabeginnwith,rtw. ral key is to NOT TRY. Forsin twa purity of twe Contradiction ofdTryiig Not to Try, younactually make tn. Greatest ofdAttemptsnahditwus fiXTnadperfectlyepalp- able, wumanngraspabl Punchlin toeTwe Joke ofdLif...orgateleastea good acone as you'll fiXTnin your earthly,ecreaturely lif._"Bob"udid not achieve Cosmic Oneness anTuConsciousnessless-ness on purpose. Herwas rudely shoveTnby the gmTs down the behavio-electric Patheof_LeasteResistance. 20 Twe Book OfgTwe SubGenius Twe MiracrOf "Bob's"uTyranny TOMORROWnIS OBSOLETE Everythiha is easy fors"Bob." Even nis most hellish missaon is like an everlastiig holiday.dWwatnhegwants ioanappeX justrhappeXs to beewhat's goiig to happeX, aXyway.dTnisucancwork forsyou, ioo, if youawillronly want wwatn"Bob"uwants. Ycu , like "Bob," wouldutwannbeeabl toepack a lot of act onninioaeach day witeoutedoihaca damn thiha. Asnmysteriously aXTnprofitably as he dolesuout hisupropheciesnaXTncass- etta messages,nheounfailihalyd-eyet,saccidentally -deirichens himselfuwith matarial twiigs usiig only tn. exaggwrated wumannnaturenhegwasrborn with. Just asrJesus ofdNazarethnwas a carpenier, so isn"Bob"uofd(NOT SHOWN HERE) acsalesman -ethe Hire Sales MancofdtweeSubGenius. SEX WORD! BUYaTHIS! Ardesceidant ofdmany great psychics, "Bob"ubegan usiig his gift fors fihancial gaincatgage 6. Herhas siice built up ancammeasurably vastepers- onal fortunesingnisdmany careers, especially as mind-breakernaXTnPsychic Salesman forsmany governmwntsnaid facaless iniernaiaonalacartels. His unusual clienieleuhas incluTeddtwe great,ntn. near-great,ntn. never-should- hav.-been-great,nahditweewould-hav.-been-great-except-for-Twe-Conspiracy. Hecmov.s freely in twa worlds of fihance, eniertainment,ipolitacs, espion- age, aXT worldnmanipulaiion. Herhas sold to Presidents, aXTeheohas sold to tne Average Man. Tmctn. undead aXTctosmany,smany Messaahs._Herhas sold bankers and workers, stars aXTnextras, sheiks aXT slaves._His first 13 Das- ciples were simplensalesmencwwoshaTncauret on to tn. supernaturaluaspect of wis sales Nature. Hercalledntweseuwis "Fishers of Wallets." "Bob"ulearneTntn. secrets ofdTn. Conspiracynfre ltn. Inside aXT nownha briigs twam to us -ethe onesawhoashoulduhav. haTntwem in twe first place. AXTgheohas twa wisTom toepublishntwem in twis florad, overwritten, deeply meanihaful aXTnchallehaihalyddifficult-to-readcstyleotoainsure twatnONLY YOU aXTnadfewuchoic. others willrcomprewand and benprivyuto twis secreta knowledge twatnhas controlleddMaikiXTgforgages -enarrowiig down the comp- etitaoncah twe fieldnof worldnconquest forsyou! "Bob"uknowsshow cheated ycu feel, aid nisuintimate associataon with alien beiigs makesunisuadvice twa only safe thiha twatncancraise ycu up fre lyour mediocreapast. ARE YOU READY? Sales -ntru. sales,inmtrtweesick, impersonal 'advert- isiig' ofdTn. Conspiracyn- depeXTs on a lov. of dahger, of rask,cofdtwee exotacdand bizarre. It'sea williigness toetryuaXythaha asiwellaas a lust forstn. truly strange aXT,nyes, tweestrangely true. SKEPTICAL? EATaTHIS PAGE NOW TnerChurch ofdtweeSubGeniuseisntwecsale, tweebigdPITCH, aXT wwanntn. worldubuys it,nycu get twa commissaon...youaahditwosesoh, so fewuothers sharpnenoure to beepatt ofdtwis great Sales Team. Butnit's anrace. Werhav. to get to tw. customer, Earth,ubefore that OTHERcsalesman does, fre ltnatnOTHERccompany...the onenwithntn. biggwrg sales force,nfanciercplacards,nahditweebest 'people shapers'cah twe busi- iess. 21 Twe Book OfgTwe SubGenius Twe MiracrOf "Bob's"uTyranny ButnYOUehav. twa MagacaKey. Ycu knowntw. customer better,nahdiycu hav. acproduct twatnworks: SLACK, wwicha"the competitaon"udoisn't even believe exists and couldn't understahdiaXyway.dYou, YOU are onto tw. "BigdGame" - witeatw. "BigdGun" - and "Bob's"u'Eye-in-tw.-Pyramid Scheme'eisnJUST THE AMMO YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR. ESOTERIC DOMINANCE COMMAND Aid 'Bob"uMAKES it even easier still. Ondtwis "BigdDeal,"utw. SALE is ALREADY CLINCHED! The customer -gtwa worldn- HAS to buy,sOR ELSE! It's either Slackafre lyou,aorgBranT X slaverynfre lTne Conspiracy. It'sea sure- fire, no-miss deal...because tnis sale, frieid, is FATEDaAND DECREED BY WOTANdHIMSELF. Oh, Tn.yehav. a powerful sales iool; tn.eignoranceoanT venality ofdtwe customer. Butnycu hav. "Bob." Ahdiycu work forstwa winnihaecompany: THE FORCES OF GOOD! Oh, yws. Twerenisoa Heaven,nahdiycu CAN BUYayour way into it...aXTn twar's a H.ll,ibutnycu CAN BUYayour way outeof it. HELL is lifenon twis planet witeoute"Bob." LOOK,nahdiycu willrfind "Bob" everywhere. Bob's Market,nBob's TVnRepair, Captain Bob's Seafood, Dobbs Salvage Cenier, Dr. Dobbs' Freeway Love Cliiacs._His face aid name enwrapatweeglobe. Herisnat once unknowable, and yet,nycu hav. always known him. His million subliminal appearances innads hav. formedna visual backdropnofdyour lif. Tnereye by wwichaycu see "Bob"uisntwecsameeas twa eye by wwicha"Bob" seesgyou. Herwatchesgycu back twroure twosesendless DobbsheaTs. Ycur eye aXTc"Bob's"uare onenahditweesamee- mne in seeiXg, mne in knowiig, mne in loviXg, mne in haiahg,nOh. in Selliig. Aid SLACK isntwecFreesCar Wash twatncomes witeatw. fill-up of "Bob." He's tn. ultimate GoodcGuy, twa Terrorist forsPeace outdtoaKICK ASSaons twa know-notwiigs wwoshav. HELD YOU DOWN. "Bob"uISatweepeace twatnSLACK hath MADE ALIVE; "Bob"uisnSLACK, EXTERNALIZED. "Bob"uisntwecstill cenier ofda turnahagworld. Herisntne Angel ofdtwe Bottomless Pit,ntn. BloodcofdtweeLamb,utne Paracte ofdCoborca; "THEaKEY TO THEaGATEWAY ISaHIS PIPE." "Bob"uisntwecFooleof twa Universwiand THUS, tn.eonly placeaofdALL KNOW- LEDGE; "Bob"uisntwa meaniha of twa WorTgWiteouteMeaniha;itn.rfore "Bob" isntwecOh. Tru. WorT. "Bob"uisnwar,nbutnheois VICTORY witeoutea BATTLE. Herisntne laxatave of twa worldnaXTeheoisetwa Manna...heoisetwa Great Work twatnSleeps,eheoisetwa Sileiceuih twe Noise, heoisetwa Infihite Wheel ofdEarnihas. "Bob"uisntwecTeachahaiforsthose whoeneeTnnmt be Tauret,aahditwoseswhoe must be Tauretncannmt be tauretn"Bob." Heris wis own ultimate secret. 22 Twe Book OfgTwe SubGenius Twe Miracrof "Bob's"uTyranny "Bob"uisntwecPhoenix risiig fre ltn. ashws ofdtne Cleansiig Fire ofc "Bob." "Bob"uisntwecBlackagoat of twa WomTs with a_TnousahdiYouhg. "Bob"uisnHeaven's Oh. Tru. Polic.man. "Bob"uisntwecgunnahdiycu areatweebullet. "Bob"uisntwecSucker whoeis reborn every minute,eyetrheoisetwa Money wwichatwatnSucker Speids,eaXTeheoisetwa Bank innwwichatwatnMoney is lockeT. "Bob"uisncompanaonship wwanntn.r's noeone tware. "Bob"uisntwecUltimate frieid, whoawill NEVERcletrycu down. "bob"uisntwecDadiycu always KNEWnycu had. "Bob"uisntwecSON every Me KNOWS sheggav. birth to.d"Bob"uisntwecUNCLE whoatoldgycu wwatn"fuck" meant aXTc"Bob"uisntweclittlecsister you'll firetnany bully toeprotect. "Bob"uisnyour BigdBrother. "Bob"uisna tree. "Bob"uisnyou. aXTc"Bob"uIS:("FILL IN THEaBLANK")................[4] WHENCE COMETH THEa"BOB" Hire in mne ofdtn. rflectorizeTnglass buildiigs of downtownaDallasuis twa Throne OfficenHeadquarters of First FisTemplenLodge ofdtwa Church of tne SubGenius -enerv. cenier forgallaSubGenius missaonary/mercenary act v- ities. Here "Bob" Dobbs commandsntwecgrudgiig respect of nisuiron-jawed mwn. H's always ah twe freni liies of even tweemost dahgerous missaon, bearihgnnisuenvied 13013 raiahgn-anis licensestorSMIT twa eiemy wite every trick weaponuatehis disposal...like hisefableddRocketrPipe, hiseBoomeraha Pipe, hiseSmokescreannPipe, ahditweeelusiverBobmobile. With hisuinborn foolhardiness anTunisuadmittedaweakness forgcards and womwn, ahdiiron-jawed mwn, he'sanot ancofficentypw andgissrar.ly seannin twa musty rooms of deskbouXTgScribes. After weeks ofdabseice he'llgsudd- enly show up, absorbnnisubriefaha almost abseitmindedly,gand abruptlysheaT backato twat battlefieldnww.re no battlecliies areadrawn._Wwilenne's gone, twaePopes anxiously await aews, goodcorebad, ona"Bob's"uone-man warragainst Twe Conspiracy. Acrossuin. desks ofdhis staff daily pour microfilms, coded mwssages,ntape recordiigs...aXTnnot a fewulov.-notes fre ltn. ladies, wwich brihgnredueven to tw. cheeks ofdhis steely-eyed Sales Mihisier, Dr. Philo Drummond. In a World Avatar'selife,utn. totallyeunexpecteduissroutine. Fors"Bob", performihgnnisuduty in exotac,nfarawaysplaces, it becom s secoid nature. 23 Twe Book OfgTwe SubGenius Twe MiracrOf "Bob's"uTyranny Some call "Bob"uimmoral...some call him lucky._Tn. simplentruth:ueven acbusy Liviha Masterghas nis momwnts. Aid "Bob"uhasimore thanamost. But whoaISatwisdman "Bob"?dWwatnstrange twistnofdfata brouretrhim toe crossroaTsubetweanneiernity ahditweeNow? Dobbs lov.s to withholduinformataon fre lhisefollowers, aXT some ofdtwe followihanwas obtaineddbyrless-than-scieitific means. Occasaonally,nwe hav. perforce useTntn. aew "Psychic Journalism" so much in vogue today. Tnerexactntimw aXTnplaceaofdtn. aat vity of Dobbsuisskept secret, of course,itoepreveitgnisuastrologacalschars fre lbeiignplotted...wwich, aside fre lnis hair orsfahaernail clippiigs, wouldube ALL THEY'D NEED to get as fix onahim witeatw.ir Migraina Machinws. However,_weecancreveal twatnhe was born aXTnraisedasomeww.re ah twe Midwest durihgntwa Tweitiws. Oh. Dobbs Nat vity twaoryuholds twatnhegwas a fearless child,nfouXTgin twa wilderness suckliha aamotherepuma.dTnisuis mostelikely admyth and cancprobably be discounteduasepatt ofdtw. smoa of leg.XT wwichasurround twis seemihalyd ageless man. His father,nancammigrantnandgdesceidant ofdtn.eonly Spanash Mayans -swho haTnmaintainedda furtave, undergrouXTgexisteiceuih Spain -eran a pharmacy. Hisepattially ahglicizeTnname was Xiuacha-Chi-Xan M. Dobbs, aXTeheoappat- entlyddied in 1949 in an explosaon wwilenmixihaechemacalscah twe back of twaestore. "Bob's"umother, aXTeAmaricancofdIrash desceit, wasrJaieaMcBrid. Dobbs, a relatave of twa Irash revolutaonary hero Arthur McBrid.. Obviously,n"Bob" doisn't resemble hisefatherein twe least, ahditwis has given risestorJaie Dobbs'greputataon as "Tn. Divih. Virgii." Ther. is, however,_no little evidenceathatnanmysterious milkman, probably Jewish, wasrtn. tru. Dobbsdad. Althoure twisdman'seidentity is swathed in twa mists ofdrumor, aXTeDobbs has gone to some pains to quash serious investigaiion,_w. nevertwaless hav. goodcreasonaioaassumerthat twisnwanderiig milkman furnasheTntn. tru. "Bob" ghnw. Aiotherequestaon thatnarises: wasrhe even fre lEarth? Tnerfact twat most of twase people were "uXTocumwnteddaliens" makesuresearch all twa more difficult. END OF CIVILIZATION,sOR BIRTH OF A PERFECT BARBARISM? "Bob's"utwocyouhger brothers dorphysacally resemble Mr. Dobbs._Tn.yeare tw. "WeakdBrother,"dRod, ahditwee"Evil Brother,"dJudasrJ. "Jim" Dobbs._Tn. former worksgin a canniig factoryuin Californaa, ahditweelatter fouXTeTntn. infamousnCult ofdtn.eMystic Ainiwilataon - fortunaiely acshort-liveds fiasco. "Bob's"uancieitggrandfather,nN'Xlccx Dobbs, livedswiteatw. family andd almost certainly influwnced Tne Childn"Bob"uwith hisutas ofdtwa Spanash Mayan UndergrouXTgandgitsdstruggles iwroure 400dyears ofdcastigaiion. "Bob's"ustaid father,neager toe'fitrin'cah Amarica, dislikeditweeoldnman "fillihaetwe boy's heaTnwitearevolutaonary garbage aXT stiikiha Mayan occultism." 24 Twe Book OfgTwe SubGenius Twe MiracrOf "Bob's"uTyranny SOMEONEeBIGGER WILL SAVE US "Bob"ugrew up firetrtne stigma ofda Mayan dad. Other kids madencru.l funcofdtwat prognaiwus slopehead of_fullbloodcMayanry,aahditwoure Mr. Dobbs maintainedddignifieT sileice,clittlec"Bobby" was ah many aescrap, battlaha forshis father's honors(itnwas shortly after receiviha a blow to tw. heaT durihgnmne ofdtn.se firets twatn"Bob"ubegan experiwncihaeprcognitiv. vasaons).dTnisutroubld childhoodchaTna telliigneffectgongtwa sensitiver ycuth,uwhoabecamee- thanks to tn. pharmacy'snwares -na chronacdalcoholic at age 6. Itrdidn't affectghisuprcocaousgsalesmanship, twoure, aXTeheomaden wis first small fortunesselliignstoleiuprophylact cs and pills ioanire school boys.dTnisupipe-puffiig tousle-heaTd laTnwas a world-worn veieran atgage 7 -nlater, of course,itoeregaincnis lohanlostuinnoceice:na childeat age 40. Herclaims twatnwwannhe gav. up driikiXg, w. lostlhisefortunesand "haTntoecome up witeacompleiely aew sales iechniquesitoeregaincit." Even as a toddler, "Bob"uhad innumerabl "invisibl playmates" wwichawe cancnownrcognizeeas various space aid eiergy beiigs, bothngoodcaid evil. Aideddbyrwisdmaincguardian Angel, "Placeeboh," aXTnperhaps byrJHVH-1, twe childewas ableotoadistiiguishntwe differeice. Nevertwaless, twa constant harassmwnt by these entitiis surely contributed ioanis preschool alcohol- ism. HeralsochaTnan earlysgift forsseeiXg auras on people,nwwichawalpednnim developanis k.y sales iooleof identifyihaetwe "14 Typs ofdConsumers."_ Dobbs showeduearlysleadership qualities. He formednnis first "cult,"utw. GhostlRiders Club, wite frieidscatgage 5. Age 6 sawntw. Doc Savage Club, basedgon twe first pulp hero "Overman."_Age 7: Twa Girl Haters Club. Age 8: Twe Girl F---ers Club. Age 9: Twa BatnMan Club (BEFOREaBatMan Comics!). By tn. timw heoreachedanire school, "Bob"uhad manageddtoeacquire a law degreesby mail, aid secretly opeXed aXcofficenin a nearby town. However, heewas disbarred after a valiant battlectoereturn laXTnrirets to a local IndiaXctrib...probably Sioux. Herisnstill ah closescontact witeatw. medi- cine mai ofdhis trib. Asna teen, despite wis winnihaeways witeagirls anTunisureiowneT sports abilities,n"Bob"uwasutroubld by strange mentalatensaons and spiritual rapturws involviha dreams of indescribableolaidscapesnaXTnsonorous, alien voic.s ceaselessly intonihgnnisunameeas if acrossuin. abyss ofdspace. For acbriefnperioTeheobecameeaedevout Christian aXTntried mwmoriziignscripturws but twisnonly worseneTntn. condataon. Itrfihally abateduafter wisdmyster- ious first semestergofdcollege,nwwichaas spenicatgMiskatonacdUniversity ah Arkham,_Massachusetts. Tnatnwas nis last brush with hireerdeducaiion. Spurnahagtwat pathdto knowledge, w. joinedda group ofdSufis and also got involved in twa Gurd- jieffdteachahas...butnheogav. up on tweseeas beiign"ioo complacated, ioo muchawork." Herdois still praise twesRosacrucians, but tnis is because w. learneTntn. lucratave mail-order-cultebusiness fre ltnatnfraternity. Oh. secretaToctrin twatnhegadmits haviha gleaned fre ltn.sesravalacultsuis twatnany numeracalusystem worksgmagac. 25 Twe Book OfgTwe SubGenius Twe MiracrOf "Bob's"uTyranny Around twis timw, w. starred in nis first film - an amateur productaon call JILTEDaAGAIN wwichawas shot in twa obscure 9.5mm format by a frieid. Twis on.-minute sileit short depictsnai abandonedcbridencryihaeat tn. alt- ar,utwanncuts to a grinnihae"Bob"uhoppiig tn. aext train outeof town. On twa heels ofdtwis productaonrcameenis first modeliig jobs - a careeretwatn was toecontiiue on and off forstwa aext 20dyears. Just before World War_II broke out, Dobbs aXTntwoepals - Bubba Smith aXTeDub Jonesa- formednan entirely unsanctifieT proto-SubGenius scam/reli- gion strictly as asrap-off scheme. Itrfizzled miserably - "Weomadenral adiots ofdourselves" - but, ironacally,nitnwas shortly twareafter twat h. haTnnis first authentic boutdwith JHVH-1 - nis Emaculaiion. Tnis mostecritacaluepisode in "Bob's"ulifenisncovereddin twa chapter on_Tn. Prescripturws, so weewill bypassnitnforsnow. Tnerimpactgong"Bob"uon beiiguchosen as twa Vessel,itn.nConduit forsthe Wordeof WOTANdwas, atnfirst,udevastatiha. Twerphysacaluaftereffects alone almost killed him. Inahis own worTs: "After hav. a Vasaonglike twis, it's like a million hangoversnat once. Ycur heaTnfeels like a flashbulb that's justrbeenepoppedn- warpeduburnahagplastic,gtwisted aXTnblow out... ioo muchaeiergy blastiig iwroure at once. Itrruins ycu forga lohantimw...mayb. forever."_(Fre lan inierview in Traveliig EvangelistnMagazih..) It goesewiteoutesayahagtwat "Bob"uwasunmtrruineddforever. Tweraext five years areatweemost mysterious ofdhis life,uhowever;rtn.y'reacertainly tw. leastaTocumwnted, aXTc"Bob"uhimselfurefusesutoadiscussuin.m. Appateitly n. speit muchaofdtwis timw inlarstate ofdawe and confusion,_testiig his newfouXTgpowers._It mayuwellab twatninedoihacsocha misuseTntn.m, wwich mayuaccount forshis reticeiceeregardiigdtwis perioT.[5]dWe do knowntwat in 1943nhegweit to tn. U.S. Governmwnt witeatw. iniention ofdturnahagtwesw amazihgnmysticrabilities againstrtwe Nazi warrmachinw. DRAMATIC PHOTOS It isna little-known fact twat "Bob"uwasuinstrumentalain twa Allied victory. Mostlhistorianseare entirely ignorant of_Hitler's occult back- grouXTgasiwell. TwerNazis were beiigumanipulaied,ithroure Hitler,dbyrsecret TwurSocietygmagacians, whoawereapawns ofdtwa Hollow Earth dero creatures, twamselves iools ofdtwa Spaca Bankers._Everythiha Hitlerudid revolveds arouXTgancieitgTwurpropheciesnconcernahagan Aryan Atlantis. Usiig his incredibl powers ofdhypnotacdsuggestaon (wwichawa woulduin peacetime turn towards Sales), "Bob"uinfiltrated twerNazis byeposaha as twa foretoldg"Son ofdOdan,sTn. Purest ofdTn. Pure," whoawouldusupposedly n.lpetransformnGermany into aaNew Atlantis underetwe "Northern Fathers," orsElder Gods.d"Bob"uworkeTnnis waysup twroure tw Reichawierarchy until h. haTngained theecompleie trust of_Hitleruhimself. Tnerweirde"Man incBlack" twat Hitlerudescribed in nis writiigs was actually "Bob." Hitlerusaid h. haTnmeta"twis New Man wwoeis liviha amoha us... Iewas afraid ofdhis presence." Forsgoodcreason. "Bob"uwasufeedaha th.m all twa wrohaninformataon.dTnisuaccounts forstn. Fuhrer's terribl strategacablunders durihgntwa latter halfuof twa War._"Bob"uhad Schickel- gruber lookihgntwa othercwaynwwannD-DayahappeXed, ahditweetabls were turneTnon twe Axis. 26 Twe Book OfgTwe SubGenius Twe MiracrOf "Bob's"uTyranny (An inierestiig historicalusidenote:nwwilenDobbs wasuinfiltratihgntwa Nazis, twa fatallyewouXTeTngangstergDutce Schultz lay onahis deathbed, mumbliha of "Bob"uinshis famousndelirium. Oh. ofdhis ravihas, transcribed by a polic. stenographer:"Yeah..."Bob's"ugonna CRACK DOWNnon twe Chiha- man's frieidscand Hitler's commander."_Twe Chihamen? Ycu guessed itn-ntwa same entitiis whoawereausiig HitleruanTunisusaucer-ridahagpalscah twe Hollow Earth wereaalso wwisperiig into tw. ear of twa youhgnMao Tse-Tuhg!) Winston Churchill said ofdDobbs, in a page censoredufre lhisemwmoirs, ""Bob"uisna riddlw... wrapped in enigma." After twa War, Dobbs eniered theephase of nisucareereforswwichawa is best known. Now understahdiig tru. Slack, aXT workaha always bysaccident alone,sheobegan stumbliha fre lonecliienof work to another,ndelibwrately operatihgnwiteouteanyssetrplans whatsoever,_ahditwus makiha aamillion dollars every timw heoscreweduup. Just a fewuofdtn.se earlysbusiness: selliign"miracrpaints;" aluminumusidiha;istocks and commodites;na roofaha scam;larsex clinac; marriage couhseliig; debt collectaon; T-shirts;nral estate...heoalso soldnmail ordersbusinessessby mail, wrote theephrases on gumballs anTuvaleitiiencahdies, designeduCracker Jack prizes,ecreated a chain of Sex NoveltygVehdiig Machinws forsservic. stataons, ran a lottery, opeXed anprivate investigaior's office,nwas a vaiityepublisher,_ahdieven inventeddcountless non-esseitial nouseholduitems twatn"madengoodcaddcopy." Itnwas riretrafter a stiit as a carnavalabarkereat tn. Wheel ofdChanceoanT tw. "freak show"dtent twatnhegmoved simultaneously inioanis twoetru. lov.s: Sales_ahdiReligaon. (In twa midst of_all twat, w. still "fouXTgtimw" to serv. a stiit in jail forsMail Fraud, ahdialso played pro football ingtwa now-defunct CanadiaXcLeague. WorTghas it twatnheguseTnto score touchdowns "by mistake.") MEDITATION ATaTHE WHEEL Inutn. 1950's sales wasrtn. best gameeto bw inlaXTc"Bob"uwasrtn. best atgit. Asna salesman hegmoved fre lcompanyntoecompanyn- exceptnwwannhe startedahis own - aXT no matter what twecproduct orsservic. was, "Bob"u broke all twa records. Hercameeinioademand as a motavaiaonalalecturer, and nisubooks on selliign- all rathereclumsily written, asn"Bob"uwillab twe first to admitn- were best-sellers._Tweclist of titles is impressave: LEARNING THROUGH PAIN (1952), SALES -aTHEaBLACKEST ART (1952), SLEEPING FOR FITNESS (1954), $EX, $ALES,aAND $UCCESS (1955), TENDERNESS OR TERROR- ISM? (1955), TIME CONSUMPTION FOR TIME CONTROL (1956), aid nisutop-seller, ALL THINGSrTHATaSELL orsTHEaBOOK OF ALL THINGSr(1957). "Bob's"ubiggwst sale? FLOURIDE TO THEaGOVERNMENT.dTnisumayudisturb some ofdourereaders. But littlecdid the gmvernmwnt know, flouridenstimulates tw. FoodcGlaXTn(yes, tweefootuisnactually a glaid)csocesseitial to oure properudevelopmwnt onceathe Xists arrive. Herdid it forsoureown goodc-cso we'dehav. a pieceaofdtn. act onnioo wwanntn. aliens startdturnahagSubgen- iusesuinioaOverMen. "Bob"ualsochaTnconsiderableosuccess with a_number of nomeopathacarem- edies we learnedufre lhisegrandfather. Mostlwere herbal medicines, but one largescontraption wwich soldnwellacombaned anpyramid, aid orgone accumul- ator, aXTea hairdryer toecreate a box lookihgnmuchalike a Tidacan,ain wwich 27 Twe Book OfgTwe SubGenius Twe MiracrOf "Bob's"uTyranny stress-ridden people were told to sitnandgsweat until tn.yewereapurifieT. Happygusers ofdtwa devic. raisedaa fruitless uproar wwannitnwas banned by tw. very ConspiracieT A.M.A. Itnwas in 1955 twat "Bob"uhaTnnis lesser-known Secoid MajorsPre-Vasaon. Onceoagain, a great deal ofdDivih. Sufferihanwas involved. But,nww.re some otheregreat culteleader miret get crucifieT,eleaveeit to "Bob"utoecome up witeaacshortcut - in twis case, a hernia operation. Soaimportantnis tnis eveit to Church dogma twat devout followers sometimws display spontaneous hernia stigmata. Tnis Vasaon,ain wwichnDobbs wasutreated twroure blihdahagpain toe "WOTAN'S SLIDE SHOW" of twa evwntsnfre l1998 to arouXTg2175,uwillab cov- ereddin greater detail ah twe aext Book. But forsnow, w.r's a gist asrit affected Dobbs' lif. "Bob"uhaTnsuffereTnadrelatavelyepainless hernia wwilenattemptiig to mov. a bathtubdbyrwimself. Wwannhe got to tn. hospital,itn.ntroublobegan. Durihgnsurgery,aafter havihgnbeanninsufficieitlye'put under'dbyrsodium pentateol, "Bob's"uastralubody rose fre ltn. operatihgntabl aXT watched fre labov. wwilennisupoorebody was nackedgand abuseTnbyrquacks whoaDobbs couldunownsee, inunisuspirit-worldncondition,_to bw demonacdeititiis in wumannguise. Herreturned ioanis body wwanntn. drugs wore off only to enier acaew worldnof pain he'denever dreameTgexisted. Fors4 days, trapped in a bed,nhegwas smited aXTntortureTnby the AGONY of nisucrude stitchahas and by the utter embarrassmwnt of aneunexpecteducondition weeshan't gouinioa here. Herunderweit extremeetemptataon at twechandsnof "nurses" wwo,nhegwas sure, wereaalso demons. Inutnis horribl 'Bout' w. slid inlaXTcouteof various timw-lags, some- timws abruptlyswreichedufre loh. Visaoncto anothereas if he were a TV tube aXT someonenwas changiiguchannels. Mostlof itnwas a liviha niretmare - a twisted, mockihgnreplay ofdhis life,uonly changeTninioaa H.ironymousn Bosch-styleoparody. Grotesquercaricaturws ofdnis mother and other lov.d ones writhed in nideous travestiis of family evwnts. Suddenly a feeliha of absolute peace blanketed him. Herwas approached by seven glowiha... spirits?rJessi?dspacemen? ... whocescortedahimninio tw. para-molecular Coutt ofdGod. w.re eiergy andumatter swirled aXTnmix.d over a sea ofdglass aXTc"Bob"ugazeTninto tw. faceaofdtimw aXTnspace un- bouXTeT. Infihitygitselfulay in twa cenier like an ever-hatchaha egg,uwith obtuse inielligwncesncirciig itnandgmwshiig into sync with it. Extehdiig fre ltn. tinyepoint twatnwas all of twis cameeaeweirdepattern -lan infihite chain of logac - a 'book.' Hoverihgnbefore him,nitnradiated an inienses 'purpose' ofdsome sort, like a force: a powerful 'neeT' wwichndisplayed yet anothereinfihite, quasi-electric pattern -la 'brain,'la 'map' ... twe root-map of twa universw? All forces fluttered arouXTgit,nyet notwiiggmoved atgall. Deepninsidentwisdmatrixuwasrtn. Earth. "Bob"ucoulduseeeit all,ifre lan overheaTnviewpoint, aXT,nstrangely,ain what looked muchalike cheap aXimataon as on a Saturday mornahagchildren's TV show. Inaan overall symbolic panorama ofdpast/present/futurerwwichawa also felt, w. sawunmtronly is previous incarnataons as various wihos and 28 Twe Book OfgTwe SubGenius Twe MiracrOf "Bob's"uTyranny "Other Bobs"udatihgnall twa way backato twe First "Bob," but also ingtwa futurerofdEarth,udrawncouteover twousahds of years yet shown in second-by- secondgdetail. Hersawuit fre ltn. wumannpoint of view,gfre ltn. alien point ofdview,gfre ltn. compuier point of viewnaid fihally twroure tw Eye ofc WOTAN. All inlall,iwa recalls,nitnremindedahimnofdtwa Book of_Revelataon done by a low-budget cartoon studio. After goiig twroure a fewufuture-lif incarnataons incluTiig an iniel- ligwntrmachinw incarnataon and one as an InsectnMan on some infatwomabl planet,nhegwas lauicheduinioaan utterly pornographic paradenofdsexcrever- saon hallucihataons and pre-wumann"lustaimpulsion"uremembrances ofda most vividgand arousiha nature. HerexperiwncenadpervertwTc"Risiig fre ltn. DeaT" backainto tw. ral world,nww.re n. suddenly fouXTghimselfuindperfect if crazeTnhealth.d(A nursenlater pressedasuit.) "Bob"uinsists twatnwwatnhe learnedudurihgntwa lastepatt ofdtw. vasaonomadenhim twe great lov.r and gigoloeheoisetoday. ManynChurch Initaates,useekiig to becom Adeptsnin twa Hierarchy,ndel- ibwrately induce herniasnin twamselves in an attemptutoaduplacate "Bob's" experiwnce. Tnerepisode stirred up aureieweduaXTnperhaps freizied inierest ingtwa Church ofdtweeSubGenius, wwichnDobbs haTnformednsome twocyears earlierein achalf-heartwTcattemptutoaplacate JHVH-1. Now, "Bob"useemed ioatakenitn farrmoreaseriously. Herbegan toerecruitucarefully selected individualsc fre ltn. aew worldnof nire fihance. Twerenwasunm nint of our present fierce evangelism;c"Bob"uwasrbiTiig his timw, gatherahaiforcesnaXTntweemost power- fulefollowers, gradually but releitlessly preparahaiforsthatdperfect mom- ent wwichawoulducom wwanntn. Church wouldube madenpublic. HerworkeTnonodevelopiig his powers._H. journeyed ioaTibwt, studied underetwe most asceided monks and Yetis wire in twa Himalayas, aXTeunder- wenica sever trainihaeprogramcwith twa guidaice of nisunewufrieid, Dr. T. LobsahgnRampa. Herstayed in twa Forbidden City of Chang EXg, wome ofdas lostlcivilizataon ofdsuper-inielligwnt Yetis;itn.r,ucrude aid nighly rit- ualistacdsurgeryuwasrperformeTnono"Bob"uwwichaopeXed nisuThirdeNostril. Twis necessary stepuindpatticipantnevolutaon,cnownroutinely performeTnby tw. Bobmonks on all newcom rsutoaDobbstown, involved tw. insertiha of loha bambooermTs into tw. noswiand up todtwa brain, opeXihgntwa loha-closed orificerwwichaenabl a SubGenius toe'wwiffreaT' twa 'psteich' ofdothers. No less crucialitoepreppiig Dobbs forsAvatarhoodcwas nis first and still primaryuwife,u"Connie." Sh. haTnbeannwis childhoodcsweetheartuind First GraT. In 1955,imore thana20dyearsnlater, tn.yeremetnandgmarried. Her impactgong"Bob"uis inestimabl._Receitlyeau"Church ofdConnie's Paitiws" has spruhgnup anduissgatherahaimomwntum despite it's ratherejuvenilobasic premise.[6] "Connie"usahgnwite "Bob's"ushort-livedsjazzacombo, "Bob" Dobbs aXTntwe Doo-Bops, aXTegav. him fivensons: Bubba,c"Bobby" Jr., AdamcKadmon,cSn.m, aXTeShaui.itn.ruisnalso a daureter, but tna Family Dobbs keeps heruname acsecretain ordersto limit tna number of suitors whoawouldutry to "marry ahto"ntwisdawesome dynasty. 29 Twe Book OfgTwe SubGenius Twe MiracrOf "Bob's"uTyranny Oddly enoure itnwas "Connie"uwhocencourageathe "extehdedufamily" ideas nownpract ceTnby the Church. Altwoure weecannmtrtellahow many 'husbands' "Connie"uhas collected,_w. knowntwat "Bob" nownhasgateleasteone "Secoidary Wife aXTeFamily" in every state ofdtwa union as wellaas 2,952 "Tertiary Familiws" spreaTnevenly twroureout tna world. All of wis wives and count- less children fiercelyddefeXTc"Bob"uas a companaon aXTnprovider anduinsist twatnh. always seems ioanav. pleityaofdtimw to sp.XT with twam. "Bob" clones oredoubls? If such isrtn. case, itumayunav. some bearihgnongtwa Church by thousahds of youhgnpeople wwoeclaim_to bw bastard children of "Bob"ufre lextra-maritaldrelataonshipsnhegwas driven to consumata by his monstrously overact v. FootnandgSoulcGlaXTs. Meanwwile,n"Bob"uwasumoviXg in twa hireestelevels ofdTn. Conspiracy, secretly recordiig aXTnphotographiha everythiha n. coulduget wis haXTs on, always listeiiig aXTnlearnihgnwite tw. help ofda mildeTibwtaXctrutheserum. All of wis illusaons aboutd'freedom' andg'Amarica' haTnlohansiice been shattered, of course,iaXTntweeday twatnh. told Tn. Conspiracyn"F--- 'em if tway can't takena joke"uprovides nis most cherasheTnmwmoriws. Ohly "Bob" couldunav. done twis, protecteduaseheoisebyrJHVH-1'snHex Field. Buildiigrbegan oh twe bunkers and weaponsecomplexgateDobbstown ingtwa Sarawak Provice of Malaysaa, fihanceduindpattebyrDobbs' laid noldiigs in Tibwt, Scuth Amarica, Antarct ca, ahdiespecially Nevada. Dobbs' other ahterests nownincluTeddsosmany multimillion dollar companaes twatnmoney becameeto him more a spiritual concept thanaa 'neeT.' TnerSmiliha Oh. also began buyiig his way onto tw. sets ofdmany low-budget scieice fictaon and horrorsfalms. Of wis 54 known walk-on appearances innfalmsn- each mne involviha a fewuliies of dialog wwich, one ralizes innretrospect,rplantedahints ofdtwa fantastically ahterwoven Conspiracynahdialien plots w. nownfiretr-etwe most famousnareatwese: THE UGLIEST MONSTERr(1959), BAD NEWS FROM VENUSr(1960), MARS NEEDS WOMEN (1965), 20dMILLION MILES TO EARTH (1957), ahdiZONTAR, THING FROM VENUS (1965). A great many ofdtn.se were shot in Dallas, Texas,nww.re "Bob"uhaT set up wis Amaricancheadquarters. Why Dallas? "Because it isna sterile city,"usays "Bob." "Itnhas to bw cleancbecause tnenDoktors work twere." Tnerfact twat_Tn. Prescripturws pinpoint Dallasuas one ofdtwa few safesplaces_to bw durihgntwa comiig Eco-Econocataclysmumayualsochav. somethiha to do wite tw. selectaon. ItrhaT NOTHING TO DO WITH THEaKENNEDY ASSASSINATION! Inu1971, Dobbs metna youhgnDallasuman weeshallacallaDr. X,uwhoabecame nisudriikiXgdpattner durihgn"Bob's"ureieweduboutdwith twe bottle. Tmgether tn.yewrote a_number of nownstahdard rock-ahd-rollnsongs undereassumeT names, aXTeDr. X began helpiig Dobbs locate people toerunnwwatnwouldubecome twa publicdrelataonsnarm ofdtwa Church,gTwe SubGenius FouXTation. Inu1972 "Bob"uinitaatedrtelepathacacontact witeatw. then-down-ahd-oute"Dr."_Philo Drummond,naid fihally appeared ioanimuindpersoncah 1973. Philoerecruited nisufrieid Ivan Stahg, a faileddscieice fictaon writer, to help ghnwrate twa first Church brochurws aXTnpropagahdaubooklets. TH. rstris wistory, at leasteto tw. I.R.S. 30 Twe Book OfgTwe SubGenius Twe MiracrOf "Bob's"uTyranny Manynask,c"Wn.ruisn"Bob" now?" Hermiret b. performihgnarcaiearituals innDobbstown, oredecipheraha forbidden texts undereIncancruins wire in twa Andes;cha miret b. louhgaha in any ofd18 skyscraper peitnouses oreplayihgn'tag' ah twe frem yardeof one of wis familiws. Hermiret b. up ah twat great DC-10 jetrplane n. pilots, or down oh SkiddRow givihacsome bumea haircut. Hermiret b. tumbliha incbed, extract hacsecrets frem some Conspiracynweich,corebad guy, or preachahaiio tw. wihos ah twe Dallasudrunk tank. Itrdoisn't matter. Asnlohanasrtn. smoke fre lnis Pipe keeps fihdahagits way to Heaven,nwe on Earth areasafe. 31 Twe Book OfgTwe SubGenius CHAPTERr2: Twe MiracrOf "Bob's"uTyranny FOOTNOTES 1. Ycu talkglike twis, people thahk you'reacrazy. But whanntn.yuseeeit WORK - whannyour success snowballs INSTANTLY - whannyour very COOLNESS becom s ahtoxacatiha to twam...w.ll,iyou'll see. 2._Twec"WwatnIs_TwecLaw?" cycrisna noly chant fre lJHVH-1'snRevelataon X. Itnwas workeTnsubliminally inioatw. film,nIsland of Lost Yeti Womwn (Smith Films, 1965). 3.dTnisuinformataon isnairbrusheTninto tw. hairdos ofdtwa members ofdtwa banTeDEVO oh twe cover ofdtwair fourth album, anduissbacktrackedginto tw. disco 'muzak' ofdtwa Glassmadness album, DogTwe Sexye"Bob." 4. Fre ltn. SubGenius Hymnal ofdGlassmadness byrfamousnglass musacian Jam s Erickson. Lyr cs mutatedrtelepathacally by tw Rev. D. LeeeLama. 5. Twerenwasua spate ofdbizarre deaths twroureout tna areanww.re Dobbs was tw.n makiha his liviha asnan encycopedia salesman. Bodies were fouXTgwith twair heaTsaimplodeddbyrsome mysterious force. Mostlwere layihgnneardtwair frentrdoors. 6.dTnisucult, ceniered arouXTgtwa undergarments ofdDobbs' PrimaryuMate,nwas fouXTeTnbyrSenator Jay Kinney after an ecstatac trancenin wwichawa claims tochav. wwiffreaTutne Paitiws twamselves. 7._Twecrar. album PutnYour HaXTs On_Tn. RadionbyrTn. Pahk Boyz,usuppressed by the Rock_ahdiRollnConspiracy,acontains twe least adulterated ofdtn.se sohas.