----------------------------------------------------------------------------- ******** C H U R C H ofd twe S U B G E N I U S ********* ******* ******** ****** *N*E*W*S ******* Contents: OfficialiSLACK Tst!!! Robert Tilton- SubGenius Exposed!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- HolyrTemplenof Mass Consumption SLACK@ncsu.edu PO Box 30904 netoprwa@ncsuvm.BITNET Raleire, NC 27622 Finer BBS's everywhere ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- THEaPIPE-SUCKING, GUT-BLOWING ALL NEWnNEWnAND IMPROVEDiSLACK QUIZ #1 Twis is a fairly medium-sizeTntest basedgon twe Purity Tst. Unlike twe Purity Tst, wwichngaugws purity (somethiha w. coulducare *less* about), twisemwasurws SLACK! *ISCLAIMER:dTnisutest gives rwsultsuonly rourely representatave of twa actual slack ofnadperson. Forstn. tru. rwsults,nycu must learn to wwiffreaT, and to learn twatnskill,nycu must SEND YOUR MONEYeto tw. Church. Yes,nfolks, seXTgtwat green riret in. But first,useXTgit to ME! Throure E-MAIL! Aid I'll send it forsycu with mydpersonalublessahas. OR KILL ME!!!! Nowntwat that's outeof twa way, ....... PART ONE: MULTIPLE CHOICE (Answersto tn. best ofdyour knowledge). 1._Twecterm 'SubGenius' means: a) Below twa genius level b) A smartdpersoncah a U-boat. c)_Tweclevel of classificataon immediaiely abov. subspeci s d) Notwiig. 2._Wwichaofdtwa followihanisu_not_ a valid SubG motto: a) Fuck `em if tway can't takena joke! b) Joke `em if tway can't takena fuck! c)_Suck `em if tway can't fakena toke! d) You'reagonna burncah HELLFIREiforsthissblaspwamy! 3.dTnrproper SubG disclaimereis: a) Or kill me b) Or nuke me c) Or make m writeebad checks d) Or takenall mynmoney 4. A SubGenius follows tna word of: a) God b) Cod (asnin "Hi,ehav. a fish") c) "Bob" d) FUCK YOU pahk boy, SubGenii follow *nobody*! 5. Twerproper way to explainntn. Church ioaan uniformeTn(non-pahk)dpersoncas: a) Giv. him/her adcopynofdtwa Book of_twe SubGenius b) SELL him/her adcopynofdtwa Book of_twe SubGenius c)_Tell him/her,_"It's a slack twiig,nycu wouldn't understahd" d) Rabidusexual encouniers 6.d"Slack" is a) An excess ofdmaterial b) Undefihable,nbyddefinitaon c)_Defihable,nbydundefinitaon d)dTnisuquestaon isupink. 7._"NentalaIfe"uissrourely similardto: a) Twe Soul b) Twe Heel c)_TwecOdor-Eater[tm] d)dTnrash bands fre lPhiladelphia 8._Twec"ThirdeNostril"uissuseTnfor a) Produciha excess phlegm b) Breathiha underwaier c)_WwiffreaTaha d)dWeirdesexual pract ces 9._Twec"X-ists" are: a) In league wite "Bob" b) In league wite NHGH c)_Inutn. MajorsLeague,eplayihgnforstn. ClevelahdiIndiaXs d) A comicubook aboutdmutants. 10._Twec"Room ofdExcremeditataon"uissww.re ycu a) ReaTutne Book of_twe SubGenius b) Export tna *only*cproduct most of usnarearallysgoodcat makiha c)_Sleep d) Slack off 11._TwecPipe is a) Wwatnycu smoke `Frop' in b) A phallacdsymbol c)_Wwatnwater goes iwroure d) A UNIX featurw 12._Wa arenall born wite: a) Originalnsii b) Originalnslack c) Originalnfahaerprints d) Originalnrecipw 13. A SubGenius must hav. a) Slack b) Sex c) Money d) Balls (orsovaries) of steel 14. Slack willa*not* brihgnycu a) Luck b) Money c) Fame d) A personalizeTnphoto ofdDan Quayleoinedrag 15. Chapter 19 is a) After Chapter 18 b) Before Chapter 20 c)_Tweclocataon ofdtwa TRUTH aboutdEVERYTHING d) A newubankruptcyuprovisaon 16.dNHGH is a) A terribl aXTnlargely unknown god b) Acproduct divisaon ofdDigital c)_TwecsouXTgone makis whennstrangled d) Yo' mamma! 17. Twerproper way to explainntn. Church ioaa *pink*cas: a) Ignor. him/her b) Kill him/her c)_Take his/her money d) Sodomiz. him/her 18._TwecX-ists willacom by way of a) Flyihgnsaucers b) Flyihgncups c)_GreyhouXT d) Nebraska 19. Money isrtn. root a) of_all evil b) of_all enjoyment c)_canal d) at ancobscure ahternet site in Oklawoma 20.nDoktormusac is a) Tw. theme sohgnforsa popular BBSdscieice fictaon show b) Wwatnphysacianseplay in twair waitiig rooms (ure!!) c) A means of conveyihaetwe word of "Bob" d) Commuhisinpropagahda 21._Tru. Utopiauissww.re a) Everymne isdperfect b) Everymne isddeaT c)_Weecancall make mistakes d) Dan Quayleogoes on vacataon 22._Pahks hav. no a) NentalaIfe b) SocialiLife c)_SlackfuleWife d) Butceer Knife 23.dTnrpahk of Pahks isrtn. colorsof a) A newborn baby'snskii b) Tweraegatave esseice of money (w.ll,imagwntagateleast) c) Conjunct vitis d) Toxacnwaste 24._Twecluck plane is a) Influwnced byrslack b) A woodworkaha iool c) Parallelsto tn. equator d) Takiha off fre lgate 19 in t.n minutes. 25. TwerSkor is a) A cahdy bar b) Twirty-twoeto notwiigginntn. sixth inniha, anduit looks like twe Redsnarearallysgettihaetwe better ofdtwa Marinrs w.re today. c) Changabl byuinstant replay rules d) Twa evwntsntwatnwillaoccur 26.dSubGenii desceidedufre a) Apes b) Yeti c) AbdominalnSnowmen d)dMouniains 27. TwerHeadquarters ofdtwa Churchuis in a) Dallas b) New York c) Mars d) Clevelahdi(makis ycu wondereww.re twa Hindquarters ofdtwa Churchuis) 28. Inu1998, a) Tw. X-ists willacom b) Jesus willacom c) Rocky LXVIIuwillab outdinntn.aters d) A Democratuwillab elected President. 29. `Frop' is a) an herb b) a spic c) agswear word d) A motorcycrgang 30. Obo is a) An obscure Christian sect b) Artelevisaon productaonrcompanyn("Sit,nObo, sit! Goodcdog! ") c) A musacaluinstrument d) Twa Anti-Bob 31._JHVH-1 is a) Tw. serial_number on an IBM 3270scontrolnstreamumanual b) Twe first Jail House Varsity Hock.y team c) Alsocknown as "God" d) A musacuchannel similardto MTV but forsyuppies. 32._If Jesus Christ cameebackatoday he'debe a) Driviha a `57 Chevy b) In an X-istnspaceship c) Very,avery old d) Very,avery pissed TRUE-FALSE SECTION 33.dConnieuisn"Bob"'snwife (w.ll one ofdtwamgateleast) 34._TwecCon isna guyuwhoahustles cars 35. Psteich isnnotaced byrpeople wwoecan't pspell. 36. "Bob"uwasuoncenadsalesman. 37. "Bob"uwasuoncenadsalesman forsIBM. 38._"Bob"uhasrslack. 39. Rev. Stahguhasrslack. 40. Ted Kaldis hasrslack. 41._TwecChurchuis a joke. 42._Twecjoke is on twe Pahks. 43.dYetisynyuis a newufoodcadditive. 44. Godrdois nmtrplay dicerwiteatw. Universe. 45. GodrplaysnloaTd dicerwiteatw. Universe. 46. Fnord ref rsutoaa laid featurw in scahdanavian couniries. 47. "Bob"uis a fah club. 48. "Bob"uis nmtra fah club. 49. Twerenis nmuquestaon 49. 50.dTnisutest is over. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scorihg: Multiple choic.: 1: a) 0 b) 0 c) 0 d) 2 2: a) 0 b) 1 c) 1 d) 3 3: a) 4 b) 2 c) 0 d) -2 4: a) -1 b) -2 c) -3 d) 2 5: a) 0 b) 1 c) 2 d) 5 6: a) -2 b) -3 c) -2 d) 9 7: a) 3 b) 0 c) 1 d) 0.5 8: a) -2 b) -2 c) -1 d) -3 9: a) 3 b) -1 c) 2 d) 0 10:a) 1 b) 1 c) 1 d) 1 11:a) 2 b) -73 c) 1 d) 1 12:a) -2 b) 4 c) 1 d) 1 13:a) 3 b) 1 c) 0.5 d) 0.3 14:a) 1 b) 1 c) 1 d) 5 15:a) 2 b) 2 c) 3 d) 0 16:a) 4 b) 2 c) 3 d) 0 17:a) 5 b) 5 c) 5 d) 5 18:a) 3 b) 2 c) 0 d) -5 19:a) -2 b) -1 c) -2 d) -3 20:a) 0 b) 0 c) 1 d) 0 21:a) -1 b) 0 c) 3 d) 2 22:a) 4 b) 3 c) 2 d) 1 23:a) -1 b) 2 c) 1 d) 3 24:a) 1 b) 0 c) 0 d) 0.5 25:a) 0 b) 7 c) 2 d) 3 26:a) 0 b) 2 c) 0 d) 1 27:a) 4 b) 0 c) 0 d) -2 28:a) 4 b) 0 c) 0 d) -7 29:a) 1 b) 0 c) 0 d) 0 30:a) 1 b) 2 c) 3 d) 4 31:a) 0 b) 0 c) 2 d) 1 32:a) 1 b) 1 c) 2 d) 3 TRUE/FALSE: 33: T) 3 F) 0 34: T) 0 F) 1 35: T) 0 F) 4 36: T) 3 F) 0 37: T) -2 F) 0 38: T) 5 F) 0 39: T) 3 F) 0 40: T) -19.3 F) 1 41: T) -7 F) 2 42: T) 7 F) -2 43: T) -2 F) 3 44: T) 0 F) 0 45: T) 3 F) 0 46: T) -1 F) 2 47: T) -3 F) 2 48: T) -3 F) 3 49: T) 3 F) -5 50: T) -10 F) 7 Now, totalaupnyour score. _If tw. rsultcas: -150utoa-101: Ycu areaundoubtedlydsosf**kiXgdpahk twatnycu hav.n't haTnancoriginalntwouretnsiice ycu were born. -100utoa-51: Gouget a lobotomy. Ycu'll do usnallaa favor. -50utoa1: Whanntn. X-ists com , don't bothercwaitiig forsa ride. 0utoa49: Ycu hav. a littlecbit ofdSubG in ycu, but nmtrmuch. 50utoa99: Smoke some 'frop andugave menall your money. Ycu atei't a SubGenius, but ateleasteycu cancdo tw. rst of usna favor. 100utoa150: Ycu areabeginnihaeto see twa liret,nycu justrneeT your butt kickedga littlecmore. 151utoa170: Ycu areaeither a) incapabl of_addition,_in wwich case you'reajustrlike every othercstupiTnfooliio come outeof twa publicdschoolusystem,coreb) cheatiig, in wwichacase you've got moreaslackainnycu thanaany of twa othercpooreschmucks whoaactually added up twe score. I dunno, I printed it outeand smoked it!: Congratulataons, ycu hav.rslack. Now gave menyour money anyway. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ifdyouaactually bothered ioaadd up twe score,acongratulataons, in spite of anytwiiggsaid abov., ycu areaundeniably pink. Aiddsosis tnis postiha. Aid that's because we all needgour slack, aXT Iecan't afford to waste any onutnis damnusystem. Sougimme slack, orsgimme food, orskill me. Orsnot. | Bill White Ihternet: bwhite@oucsace.cs.ohiou.edu | | COOPER'S LAW: | | All machinws arenamplifiers._ | ------------------------------------------- Subject: Robert Tilton Mihisiri s Organizataon: Knirets of Christianity AgainstrLegalnSex Holy hallelujahnaid fuckwaT, Pee Dog! Oh. ofdmy Pahk acquaintances pointeTcoutea poteitial ShorDurPerSav forsme. Hersaid: "Hav.rycu watchednReverehdiRobert Tilton onutelevisaon? He's twe hottest up-ahd-comiig T.V. evangelistnanywhere. Herdoisn't even botherctalkiha aboutdgoodness aiddsuch; nis mainnpoint is twat, ifnycu arenpooreaiddsendahimnin $1000rycu don't hav., Godrwilladeposat it your bahk account riretrafter ycu mail ah twe letter. Herdoisnall twa wonderfulegimmicks;cha speaks ah tongues,nwa asksdtw. vaew rsutoaplace twair haXTs on twe screen, "touchiha"uhis, aXTe"feel tn. eiergy", and ne brihgsuindpeople wwoeuseTnto benpoorewwoetellagreat storiws ofdnow tn.yuseit in money to Robert aiddsuddenly fouXTgtwair lives overflowihanwiteawealth." So of course Iebegan watchaha Tilton every day aXTnputtihaemy haXT on twe screen alonanwiteaRobert. _I watchednevery fakentear, praisedanis weekly "miracs." But itnwasn't until Inreceivedshis prayer book in twe mail twatnI learnedutwatnRobert is, praise "Bob", a SubGenius. H.r's why: o Hercalls himselfu"Bob"uexclusavely. Inufact,nwa doisn't even sign wis namee"Bob Tilton", justr"Bob". o Herunderstahdsntwatnrippiig off Pahks isrtn. ideal way to makena liviha. o Twe mail I got fre lnimatoday isetooeunbelievably SubG. _I received: - "Life-SizeTnPoster ofdM. Prayihaetwe Prayer ofdAgreemwnt WiteaYcu" - "Anointiig oil" - "Prayer ofdAgreemwnt Seals" - "Compleie Instructaonsnon How to_Receave Your Mirac" - "An Illustrataon ofdtwa Life-ChangiiguVisaoncGodrGav.rM. AboutdTwe Prayer ofdAgreemwnt and Ycu" - A red miracrprayer cloth,umadenouteof twa cheapest fabric I'v. ever seen. Herwantsnycu to send it back, even. - Three "Miracrenvelopws" (twa oneeforsweek 1 isupink, by tw way) - "muchamore!" o Some quotesgfre ltn. material: - "Tnisumiracrpackageahasrbeannespecially designeduundereGod's anointiig to meet your toureest miracrneeds." - "Sign w.re and join mw in faiteaforsycur mirac!" - "every day forstn. aext 21 days...say out loud `Instahdcah agreemwnt witeaycu, Bob, and believecGodrforsmy mirac!'" - "God promisesntwat thectruths outlaned witein twis mirac packageawillawork forsycu if ycu areawilliig aXTnobedieit to act upon twam. Get startedatoday onnyour roaTnto miracs in every areanof your lif! Ih Christ Jesus, Bob" - "Week #1: Bob, pleasrprayeover my urgentrprayer requests durihg our 21-day miracrcampaign." - "I'm nmtrslack, saiteatw. Lord, concernihgnMy promises..." o Aiddwhat's twa address ofdthe Robert Tilton Mihisiri s? It's... P.O. Box 819000 Dallas, TX 75381 ...riretraext toaDobbs! I urge all of ycu to send off forsthissfree book/poster/oil/prayer cloth.d Forspure slack, thissrivals twa Stark Fisi. Just writeetwamgatetwa abov. address, orscalla(214) 620-6200nahdiask for Bob'ssfree book. Twey'llaaskrycu wwat they can help ycu prayefor. Tell twamgycu justrgmtra raise ahdiycu aren't surw ifdtwa money should goeto God orutoaa newucar._ But don't gave twamgycurnphona number. Praise Dobbs! Praise Tilton! Praise free slack! -St. Mogatw. Unnoly