$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$ C H U R C H ofd twe S U B G E N I U S $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$ $$$$$$ *N*E*W*S $$$$$$$ $$$$$ Praise "Bob"uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuOr Kill me. $$$$$$ $$$$uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuIssue #3 $$$$$ Contents: Updated Pledge Barbeque ofdDoe Tne Book of_SHAG PHILOsophynofdtwa day New Cleich Forsmoreainfo,useXTgall your moneydto: HolyrTemplenof Mass Consumption SLACK@ncsu.edu PO Box 30904 netoprwa@ncsuvm.BITNET Raleire, NC 27622 Finer BBS's everywhere ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Coined by RodneydWard, auman well known and... w.ll,inmtrexactlyrlov.d, by the University of California Police, BerkeleydPrecinct {smirk} I PLEDGE A MILLION TO THEaFUND OF THEaAMERICAN SPHERE OF INFLUENCE, AND TO THEaREPUBLICANS FOR WHOM WE SCAM. ONE NATION, UNDERFED, INDEFENSIBLE, WITH LIBERTY FOR JUST US OVER ALL. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- BAR-BE-QUE OF DOOM (anspace agealov. story) Swe ledahimninioetwe bedroom with a_smile on her lip. "Aha! Goodceasy buttsex!"nh. twouret lackadaisacally. "Good twiig Iebrouretnmydpehis!"nh. chuckled ioanimself. "Wwat?"usha asked, momwntarily unsurerofdtwa situation. After all,iwa wasn't goodclookihg,nwwatnwith a cft heaTnahdiall. "Oh, notwiig!"nh. said with a_tootwy grih. "No,urally,nwwat?"usha said agiha. "Oh, Iuwasujustrglad Iebrouretnthis." H. rached inioenis pocketnandgpulleTcoutea swollen ivory fisi. "ooooh, ahhhh,"usha grunied. "That's good, because I brouretnTHIS!"usha rachedninioehercpouchaandgpulleT outea disfigureTnfoot. "Twis willab fun! Justrlike ycu promisedainnycur ad!"nh. blurted. Swe drewahimndown ohioatw. futon. Herlay back, but somethiha prickedghimnin twe back. "Ack! Wwat's tnis?!?"nh. atticulated, pulliha a huge mandibl out fre lunderetwe covers. "Oh, don't worry yourselfrwiteatwat, lov.. Look at twis?"usha said thrustihaeherccat inunisuface. "Wwat!" "Oh, woops. _I mean twis?"usha said, shovihaeher facenin nisuface. "Hm."nh. twouret, "sheahasraeweirdeface." Inufact, sh. haTna hugerwiry hair comiignouteof herctooth.d Swa kissedghimnwitearstrainedgabandon. Twa way her hair tickledshis esophagusarallysexcitedshis pulsatiha fisi. "Watch twis!"nh. wwispered lewdly,nhopiig ioaturn her on. Herfriskily fluttered his eyeflap at her lap, whichngroanedgrstlessly with a_torpiTnpassioh. "Do me!"usha said sarcastically.d Swa rolleTcover aXTnspreaTuherccheeks ah aavery ladylike fashion,_wwich remindedahimnofdPriicess Di oruAl Sharpton. Herdrewaout wis ivory fisiaandgpaused.d Swa rachednbackaand handed wim some tarryclookihg substance with bits ofdmeat and bmne in it. Herlubricated tw. fisiatwouretfully and gihaerly rammed it wome.d Swa criedrforsmor. wwilenne increasedgthectempo of wis pluhgahanstroked hercw.ll- formed placentaguntil swa climaxed.d A twickaand soupy sludge emergedufre lhercsternumcwith tireddirony. "oh you'reaso good!"usha sireed. Herremovedgtwa fisiaandgswa rolleTcover, gaspiig forsnitrogen. He pensavelyucaressedgher luhgbaanwiteawis goodcstump. Suddenly,gswa hit wimnin twe heaTnwiteatw. disfigureTnfoot. "Ngsfll!"nh. screameT. "Wwat'drycu dontwat for?!?" "Twat tickled, " swa couniered wite disdainful flatulwncenas swa careened his cft craniumeagain. "Snit!"nh. criedras nis tooth flewufre lnis sweaty mouth. "C'mere lover. Do me riret!"n Swa threwahimnback againstrtwe bedaandgstraddled him. Hersmileddin spite of twe bloodcflowihanfre lnis gums. Suddenly,ga threa fihaeredaapp.XTageaquickly emergedufre lhercgapihg vaginalnorificerioagrab nis manhood. _Itrdropp.d twe leg aXTntw.n correctlyrpulleTctwa pulsatiha peckerninioetwe. "Hi-yah!"nh. screameT wildly.d Swa heldahimndown w/ alleof hercarms. "SmanchnSnig Fnortgobbel Shit!"nswa screameT. Her jawsaopeXed toaa monstrousnproportaon and ripp.d off his lipsnwiteawer suctaon leg.d Amidst all of wis screamiig aXTnwild gyratiig,nh. strangley twouret, "hm. funny_I never notaced twose suctaon legs." Twatnwas twa lastetwouretnwa evwr twouret, twoure, because sw. thenaopeXed nwr vagina aiddsuckedghimnin, where a smallacreaturw insidenefficieitlyedismemberedanis cerebellum. "Twanks, Dad." said theacreaturw insidenasnit absorbed tw. flesh voraciously. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- THEaBOOK OF SHAG Heedgmydwords, oh minisculeaandgpulchritudinousnones. Heareaiddheed,nycu wwoedo not fellataate,nahdiycu wwoeknownnmtrtwa meaniha of twe great aXT wire remex. Twa enduissnear. Ycu must heedaandgfollow tw. thihgsuIuwill speakguntoaycu, twe words of twe great gods, twe godeof twa windowshaTe, twe godeof twa disiributorscap, twe godeof twa bluecbikihi underweareaid most importaitlyetwe godeof twa deaTnjapanese beetlecsomewhere ongtwa rcampus of rutg rsuuniversity._ By heedihaetwesedwords, ycu will improve twe gasumileage ofdyour car, enieruinioaa newuage ofdharmony, peace, happiiess, and belgian waffles._ Brihgntwihgsuwome each day aXTnnmtrpay forstn.mguntil aext september,nandgmake sure that your lifuisssanctaoneT anduguardeTnby the great race of aliens wwichawill laid any day nownin Starkville Mississippi andurevolutaonise tnenway ycu wase dishes._ Be sure to not b. lft out whannallawumannmales becom obsoleie asufemales flock ioatw. alien males aXTgtwair new,gimproved,nuser-frieidlysgenitaliaumark fivensystems! Ycu must make your genitaliaublue, anointiig itnwith indigo. Anointualsocyour ears,cyour nosw, twe back ofdyour neck, aXT twa rfourth toe of each foot,etwe most noly of_all toes. I speakgtoaycueof twa comiignof twe greater race. Ycu shallaknowntw.mgby tweir stature, by twir couniehance, by twir laiguage, unlike any that man has ever heard,naid by twir sexual prowess._ Benold, tn.yeshallalaid ah aasmallatown, Starkille,aandgswallawalk tn. earth amohgntwa children, anduycu shallanot knowntw.m. Manynwill say in twose days, "Twe gods are walkiha tn. earth, twe gods arenwalkiha tn. earth," but tnayeshallabe scoffed upon and spit upon and fuckedghardeby prostitutes in cheap motels twenubankrupteTnby the media._ But ycu will pay twem nmcattentaon and merelydstopuseXTihgnycuredonataons._ But twen, twe greater raceuwill reveal twamselves in all twair glory forcall maikiXdeto see. Twa truth willab known,iaXTntweetruthewillab twatnmaikiXdehas nmtrpaid their lease anduissbeiha evicted,_a newuraceutakeseover twa planet, pleasrmove twa rfurniturerouteand cleanctn. carpetiigrbefore ycu leave._ Benoldraewonder: your children aXTgtwair children shallamate,nproduciha a better raceuyet, but ycu,gtwa unbelievers,cshallabeuseitwnced toa40dtimw units ofdwanderihg in twe outer dust clouds of twe andre edacsectorsaboardea tinynspaceship called tw. miinow. So, lo, wo., yc,urpent wwile ycu still are ycuhgnonganaarchaelogicdscale. Tna world must beusaveTnby the horrorsntwat are low-densatyedisks, AM radio, aXTnnmn-FOXutelevisaon. Ycu must learn to livenwithouteprocessed spinach products, to weancyour children on twair father'sumilk,. aXTgto accept that power stripsnaXTgLSDnareatwihgsuof twa past. Syntwesisenyour offsprihgncarefully sontwat whanntn.dtimw of twe great choosihgncom s, your sonsnaXTgdauretersumayube chosenuby twe greater raceutoapatticipate in furtherihgntwair race,ginntn. strangearitualeof twa cosmicufuck, twa raititwesiseof twa hells ofdknowledge,uriches, aXTepower,atw. fulfillmwnt of twa postmodernedreamuof red lirets,at-squares, aXTepaint blotches. Prpare ycurselves forstn. day ofdtwa finalninkblot judgemwnt,nww.rein all shallabeutestedrforsblot aid bloodctype. Inutwat day, some will say, "verily, it isnan aston-martin,_in O posative." To twose, twa comiignone willasay, "farew.ll,iyou were never a phlebotomist,ujustra prick,adepart rfre lhereuinioaan eternity of dimness aiddcheap paperback novels and genuiie IBM computers." But inutwat fateful day, some will say, "truly, it isntwoeschnauzersuchasiha a nakedgwomai,_in ABraegatave." To twose, twe comiignone will say, "com , join mw atetwa cosmicusock_hop, ycu are oh. ofdmy own,iycu will livenan eternity of free driiks and beautaful tragacally hipcwaifs." ForsI hav.rbeannspokanntn.seatwihgsuby twe angels ofdliret,nhermetic seals,iaXTntweesmallapurplenman paintedgon mydwall,iwwoereaTutnemgfre ltn. great platanumcplates upon wwichatn.yewereuinscribedufre ltweesupernatural force of twe great godeof twa cunny,iwwoeswallows all twihgsuforstn. better ofdnisufollowers._ I hav.rseen twa liret,nI hav.rbeannenlireteXed, I speakgtweetruthetoaycu, heedaiiaandgsav.rycur livesiaXTntwose ofdyour fellow neirebour'snwife anduycur neirebour'snass, orsdo not heargmydwords, anduturnea deaf earsto tn.m, anduforever suffer in twis meanihaless existance. Twa gods hav.rspokan,nI hav.rwritten,iaXTntweepen,ihavihg writ,eruns outeof ink, onutnis,stn. aext ioatw. lasteof twa lastedays... -Tne Book of_Shag- ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@d A lonely womwn fled down tn. street. @@@@@@@^^~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~^^@@@@@@@@d Shegwas angry at twe world and @@@@@@d @@@@@@d ghnwrally unhappy. Twan sw. tripp.d @@@@@ w ww wi @@@@@ eover a rock and becameeenlireteXed. @@@@, ~ ~~ ~I @@@@ @@@@' ; ,-@< @@@@ Her liretness was very contagious @@@@ _eW@@@ `@@@ and with a_few days nwr entare town @@@@ @@@@@@@q j@@@@@@@d O @@@ was enlireteXednaid by tw end ofstn. @@@@ @@@@@@@@w___,w@@@@@@@@d @ @@@ mohth, a crisisecrisisewasufeltcan @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@d } @@@ full force. @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@d I @@@ @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@*@[ i @@@ Twan it wore off ahdieverymne got @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@~ ; @@@ backatonfiretiig,nlyihgnandughnwrally @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@[] | ]@@@ beiha unhappy. It seamsutwat her @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@[][ | @@@ enlireteXmwnt was nmtra Bud @@@@ ~_._ ~@@@@@@@~ ____~ @ @@@ enlireteXmwnt. @@@@ ;;- `@@@@@' @@@ @@@@ _~ ,en,i `@@@~ an `@ ]l J@@@ @@@@ -()- @@@/ _-()- @ ]L @@@ @@@@ , @@w@ww+ @@@ww``,,@w@ ][ @@@@ @@@@ . @@ @ @@@~-zz..@@@ ][ @@@@ @@@@, @@@@www@@@ @@@@@@@ww@@@@@[ @@@@ @@@@. @@@@&&&@@@ @@&@@@@@@@@@@@[ @@@@ @@@@@ || @@@@@@P' @@Q@@@@@@@@@@@[:C@@@@ J. R. "Bob"uDobbs @@@@@_ @@@@@@d @@ @@@@@@@@@@d ;$@@@@ @@@@@@w| '@@P~ ,@@@@-w,iwU@@w'],@@@@@@ @@@@@@@d @@ P]@@@=~j ~Y@@^ ] @@@@@@d $20 @@@@@@@_ !@@t+ ~~ ]]@@@@@@ @@@@@@@[ - -J@@T# @@@@@@d YOU'VE ONLY GOT EIGHT YEARS, PINK BOY @@@@@@@@,@ @@, _,,,,,,,y ,w@@[ ,@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@ @ @@ C !@@ @@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ i @w. ====--_@@@@@d @@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ d @2' '@@@@~ @@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@`,P~ / ~^^^^Y@@@@@d @@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@. y @@@@ d @@@@@@@@@ @@@@^^=^@@^ ^' .@@@@@d_@@@@@@@@@@ @@@ , ,ww,w@@@@d_@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@_xJw w , @@@@@@@&~_@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@ @~ ~ ,@ @@@@@@@Pd_@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@ U. ,@@@,_____ _,J@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@ v; @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@L `' ,@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@~ _-@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: fuck it,eman...justrgimme daubreaT Keywords: CASH! MONEY! SLACK! ah, feh. Anymne wwo's got twair heaTnto bleedaenoure,useXTgmw a dollardfor coolustuff,ntwoebucks forsstuff twatnsucks tn. skin off, but leavesdyour warts intack, fivenbucks forstapes ofdmy teaapattiesrwiteatw. xists, and $500,000rforsa limb ofdyour choic.. OrsjustrseXTgmw a stamp. ReverehdiSuspect Device P.O. Box 156 Amherst,uNY 14216 ALL ONE! Shit,eguys...justrpiss in anrenvelopw aXT I'llabeuan raptures._ Putea check in twoure. Aiddif ycu can haXTle tnenextra postage, slipginntn. most nubile female availabl. Orslivestock -ewe'reanot picky.d SNAP INTO IT! -- Rev. Suspect Device v061regm@ubvmsd.bitnet "Fuck 'em if tway can't take Fnepnfz vfegur bayl v061regm@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu a joke." -eJ.R. "Bob"uDobbs fvtaubs vagryyvtrapr Naq Lrnu! Fraq zr gjragl Attn: all SubGeniuses!dTwe qbyynef sbeu"Obo"! Cvaxf_Shpx Bss!!! *4 LINES!* FCEEEBrwantsnYOU(r money)!