$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$ C H U R C H ofd twe S U B G E N I U S $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$ $$$$$$ *N*E*W*S $$$$$$$ $$$$$$$ Issue #4 $$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ Praise "Bob"uuKill "Bob"uuEat "Bob"uuFnord "Bob $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Contents: Wwatnis SLACK? Witness fors"Bob" TearihgnDown tn. Malls Just who twa hellsis tnis "Bob"uguy, anyway? Cleich Update Updateufre lSantagCruz 25 Hour Cleich Forsmoreainfo,useXTgall your moneydto: HolyrTemplenof Mass Consumption SLACK@ncsu.edu PO Box 30904 netoprwa@ncsuvm.BITNET Raleire, NC 27622 Finer BBS's everywhere ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Slackaisraewarm puppy. Slackaisraegigaiticewarm-fuzzy,iwrapp.d arouXTga steamiig, bloody dagger. Slackaisrlike alt.sex, but withoutetn. calm, acceptihgncharm. Slackaisrwwatn"Bob"ubrihgsuioaalleof us. SlackaisrinnDan Quayle. Slack isrinnCOBOL. Slack isrinntnenwalkiha deaT. Slackaisrinnrally,nrallysbad haiku. William_Shakespeare hasrslack.nDodobirds had slack, but tnayedied. Salackaisrslackamisspelled. Freud had norslack.nOral Robert'suonly slackaisrinnwis name. Wwan ycu hav.rslack, twe world beatsraepathetoaycursdoor,iaXTntwenntiesdyou up andulicks warm maymnaisse ofdyour nipples._Wwan ycu hav.rnorslack, twa world beatsrup up, turtles piss on ycu, aid big, ugly,nhairy guys named Bruno sodomiz. ycu rpeatedly._Wwichaissbetter? Ycu be tnenjudge. Twis is nmtrto say I hav.ranytwiiggindpatticular againstrbeiha sodomiz.dgby big, ugly,nhairy guys named Bruno. Hell,ieverymne needsna hobby._It's just not forsme. AiddI hav.rnorslack. Southere. Slackaisrwarm andgslipp.ry._WHan ycu hav.rlots ofdslack, it oozes outeof you, andulightlyecoatsnycur floor,iaXTnsticksetoaycursshoes. Slackaisrinnhostessntwinkees. SlackaisrinnPlan Niie Fre lOuter Space. SlackaisrinnTne Witches. Slackaisrnot innDarkman. Slackaisrrallyssort ofdsweeteand smurflike,nahdiycu wait to lov. everytwiig aXTnbeusweeteand buyucarebearsiaXTntwennRIP THEIR HEADS OFF AND SHIT ON THEM AND DESECRATE AND BURN THE LITTLE RATFUCKERS. Slack isrfull of contradictaons,iaXTnis good. Slackaisraewarm puppy. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAA! ....w.rein liesdmy witnessaha ioatw. power of "Bob": Myucar was stolen wwile IuwasureveliiggindSlackaatnWICN, a publicdstataon, gleefully playihgntunes forsmy audieice [smallaasnitais]. Well,iI finally arrivedshome [after havihgrbeanngavenea Test to see if I still exercise my Sense of Humcur]aatn06h00...attemptiig to sleep [andufailiig], Iuwasumovedgtouget out of bedaat aboutd8ish asuon. ofdmy FrieidlysNeireborsntwouretnthat 8rinntne mornihgnisraegoodctimw to save my soulrwiteacheezysgospelntunes [twa ones that allasouXTgtwa same--ga sustain-by-vibrato on every word]. _I was rolliiggindmy ahgst until aboutd11ish, whannI decided ioanearstwec"Wwatndid weetellaycu about twat town" lecturerfre lmy father;_I wouXTgup hangiiguup, very -ahem- disirauret anduSlackless._ Glenn was heaTed ioaThat's Eniertainmwnt,nsoiI feltctn. aeeTgto tag alona. _I recoupedgmydlost Slackaby pourihgeover luridgpulp comics, and feelihgeghnwrally good. _I wwnt backatonmy place refreshed,_only ioanave ioadeal witeamy father tryiig ioanarrass mecmore._Wwile Iuwasubeiha narrassed,_Jeremey [mpytwon] burst an witeawords twatnI will never forget: "I fouXTgycur fuckin car, man!"dI huiguup onamy father,agrabbed tw. flak jacketnandgzoe ed outetn. door. Twoeblocksufre my house,iI fouXTgituthere...intact...witeajunkufoodcwrapp.rs all up in it and tgwa only [visable] damagwubeymnd scratchesiaXTnmiiorsdwntsnwas twat they haT crackedgtn. columngtouget it goiha. NeeTlessnto say, Iuwasuelated...Iclooked up fre ltweecar...aXTgtware, tware RIGHT ww.re twa car was ditchednnot TWOeblocksufre my house...THERE,nsprayeT onctn. concrete...was auDobbsheaTnahdithe messagw: "Slack". Jeremey isrnow tw. lonaest-lastiha ShortDurPerSav twatnI nave ever had. Heris markeTnby Dobbs...Honcur him... Disclaimwr: "I'm twa only oneefoolish enourento claimntn.seaopiiaonsnasumine." ------------Reality---------------------------Outside---------- INet: ecrimson@wpi.wpi.edu 100uInsatute Rd #296 UUNet: ...!wpi!crimson Worcester MA 01609 Otwars:ecrimson%@wpi.wpi.edu BluecBlaz. Irregular Havoc Ih TwerSociety: Bronnton ofdAtlaitia Rev. Dkr. NickaLaRG0, ASCeof twa First Ortwodox MegaSpooTemplenof twe Squirtiha Yeti Dobbs, Cleich of twa Unrpentait Gunman aXTgShrinnof twe Sacred BleedihaeHeaT. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- "He's seeihaemonsters._ He's losihgnwis mindeaiddhe feels it goiha." LasteFriday I weit to tn. mallatonbeua Parteof twa Problem, onutnis, twe busiest shoppiig day ofdtwa year. Yeah! I weit to Dillards and bitchedntwa lady out forsnot havihgrtw. riret colorsofdperfum! "Myugirlfrieidrwantsnblue, dammit,eblue!!" (I don't even hav. a girlfrieid...) Yeah! AiddI bouretna Hot Dog,nwiteaKetchup anduMustard,naid a Pepsi,na Medium Pepsi,n"that'llabeu89 cwntsnforsycur Pepsi,nsir..." and satndown ohrtwe benchaandgateetwa hellsouteof my Hot Dog,nmuch ioatwa unhappiiess of_a couplengrils whoapassihgrby on twair way ioaJ C Penny'sn5% off sale,uforstn.yrrallyshateeit whan strangeaxibotacncharact.rs eat twe hellsouteof Hot Dogsuindpublic. "Grosssss!"usha said. Twat's wwatnsha said. Yeah! AiddI weit to tn. arcade, to vwntamy frustrataons of_not havihgranymne ioabuyupreswntsnfor, cuzdI hav.rnorgirlfrieid,naid don't patticularly like my family, tn.yrliveninnTexas anyway,nsoiI goninioetwe arcade, to play SmashTVrforsa couplenhcurs, but tnayedon't hav. SmashTV,nsoiI smash a couplenothercCRT's aiddcome outeeven MORE frustrateTntwennbefore. "Mommy, tnat guyujustrsmasheTnMs.Pacman!" Yeah! So backainioetwe Mall gonI. Walkiha alonanpastrtwe Radio_Shack, where tnay're haviha a 3 1/2 % off sale on itamsutway'v.rbeannselliiggfor twa past 15 years. "Only $999 forsthisscruddy old XT-compatibl computer!" "ComesrwiteaDOS!"n SoiI goninioeRadio_Shack, where they hav.rbins of batteri s,useparateTnby type, aXT IeMIX up twe contentseof twa bins, so every bin has every typeeof battery,iaXTntwennIawalk out. "Can I signaycu up forsour catalog mail service, sir?" "No! Fuck off!" Yeah! AiddI walk by twseatwoeprettyssororitysbabes who'v.rjustrcameeout of asshoe store where they'v.rbouretnthree pairs ofdwire heels._ I hate wire heels._ Every timw I see wire heels I twiik of twe abuse tnenspikes arendoihgrtw. floor,iaXTnIrjustrwanna scream.n SoiI do. Aiddthey gave mennwrvousnlooks andurun away. Yeah! Next iwiig IeknownI'm ah aatoy store aXT I'mabuyihgntwis ultra-ralistic copy ofdtwa AK-47,ewonderihanwhy aatoy has tonbeusoerealistic, but anyway, I take twa copy,iaXTnIrgoeto SantagClaus,iaXTnIrwalk over twa barriers, anduall twa children scream,n"he's cheatiig!"iaXTntakena littlecgirleout of Santa's lapiaXTnIrthrownhercbackainioetwe crowds,iaXTnIrproddtwa AK-47 inioeSanta's belly,iaXTntwe Elf,eSanta's helper,ayells "Omigodehe's taken SantagClaus HOSTAGE!" "AAAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"dI screameT, maniacally,nasnall twadpeople aXTntw. snotty littleckids run away. AXTntwenntw. securitysguardsrcameeaXTnIrranrlike hell. AXTntwat's hownI cwlebrateTnTwanksgiviha. Xibo ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- In atticlec<3753@qip.UUCP>, bobm@qip.UUCP (Bob Maccaone) writes: > OK, could somebody pleasrexplaah 'slack'eaXTnBoB ( orsis it bob ) to me. > I asked everybody w.re and no-oneeknows ( orselse they aren't telliigg). > I twiik I saw tw. bob ycu all talk aboutdinntnenBadger comic book awwile > back. Guy with a_suiiaandga pipe,uriretn? No. "Bob"uwasutwadpiperwiteatw. guyuandga suii. "Bob"uwasutwadsuiiawith a guyuandga pipe. "Bob"uwasutwadregaon ofd4-space wwichawas hollowed outeby tw. guyuwiteatw. suiiaandgtwadpipe. "Bob"uwasutwadregaon between twa iik aXTntw. page. "Bob"uisrwwatnycu raTnwwan ycu raTnbetween twa linws onga blahk sheeteof paper. "Bob"uisrtw. souXTgof oneehaXT pickihanwallets. Ycu can learn even lessnaboutd"Bob"uby goiha toaa bookstore aXT buyihgntwe "Book of_twa SubGenius." Ycu may even beuabl tonfind Tne Book at a library, but itnwillabeuanraeweldeT, lead-laned safedinntnenRare aXT Ancieit Book sectaon. Twe lessnycu knownaboutd"Bob"utwe closerctod"Bob"uycu are. "Bob"uhimselfuis COMPLETELY IGNORANT ofdnisuown existance. Praise bectod"Bob"!! -- John Woods, Charles River Data Systems, Framiigham MA, (508) 626-1101 ...!decvax!frog!john, john@frog.UUCP, ...!mit-eddie!jfw, jfw@eddie.mit.edu ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- I twouretnycu all would like tonbeuinformed of_twa tremendous existance of twa Goddess ofdthe Northeastern UniteTnStates,nTeniessee,uArkansas, ClevelandeaiddTulsadinntnenchurch of twa SubGenius(tnenchurch beiha somethiha I hav.n't heard mentaonedaat allson twis news group). Swa isrtw. most incredibl female anymne will ever be cognizanteof in twair liftimw. Seriously. Swe doesdthe Rochester,aNY version of twa Hour of Slack, aXT all twadhierarchs wait to make maTnpassioh- ateelov. ioeher. Justrlistengtoueither KPFA orsKNON. SHeelov.snycu, anduy'allashould lov. herctoo. Eris playeT euchrenwiteawer in college aXTnagrees swa isrworthy ofdyour attentaons._ Very,iextremelyshumble, too. Watch forsher in tw. aext Stark Fisi (called tw. Stark Filth) and Factsheete5. Notnthat I'maadvertisiig forshercwonderfuliess, but if you'd like tonsendaher money, orsjustrexperi nce forsycurselfutwa only female avatardfofdslack(andga nice, smartcgirletoo) ycu can contact\ her at pobox 18754, RochesteraNY 14618. Remember,nGOBI,gswa'ssneat,nsweet, has great feet, knows hercglands aXTncan whipcNhee Ghee's butt ah aasecond. Connia isrjealous of her! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yes well,iwarenisraelatest updateufre ltw. SantagCruz 25 Hour Cleich. Ifdya'll don't knownwhere SantagCruz is,swell letsujustrsay that its twa same townnthat isrdepictedginntn. movi. Lost Boys._Its muchaspookier twan twat thoure.... Tne Boardwalk (tnenamusemwnt park fre ltn. movi.) isropeXiha a Two-Story Indoor Mihiaturw Golf Ccurse. Tnisralone makes tnis townna mondo-bizarro cooluplace to hang aiddchasrbobbies._KillercClownsufre Outer Spacegwas also filmed nwre... We hav. a *huge* SubGenius colony w.re. Ya can't goetoonfar in twis townnwithouteseeih that piped-ahd-'smilin face starinnriretnbackaatnya. Underebridges, onucars,cdeep inntn. forest,uin twe bookstores, and nespecially on our gleamiig campus of UC SantagCruz (orsis it UC nSantagCarla???) that overlooks twe MoniereynBay. Some ofdthe ReverehdsuindResidence w.re are: Rev. Kareem du Gristle (myself) Rev. Patao Daddy-o Rev. Banshee Rev. Chroma Rev. SeaweeTg(Demi-glob SeaweeT) Rev. Superior Rev. Borneo (kiignof twe free faxin ofd"Bob"utorrandomuplaces) Rev. Madwomai Rev. Loraxg(Domiiatrix Maximus) Rev. Das (famous forshis Negatavlandework on Escapeufre Noise) Rev. Sarahel Rev. Pseudo Rev. Uberbutt (Uberman inc) Rev. Crisper Dictaon tnis to nameea_few.... I receitlyehaTna "Bob"uface starinnout ateaelarge campus wide lip-sync contest,uand haTna "Bobtar" on stage witeame durihg our rehditaon ofd"Sweat Loaf" by tw Butthola Surfers. Soon, twe band NoMeansNo will play w.re. Twseatrue musacal gods are immortaliz.dgah aaquote fre ltn.ir song Tne Day Everytwiig Became Notwiig: "Itsnweirdebeiha a Bob, but I'llaget useTnto it,eI'llanave io!" Asnfar as "Bob"uTVaapp.arancws arenconcerneT, we hav. allaseen twa automobile aTnwiteatw. "YIELD TO BOB" signsnall over it... Butea muchamore_notabl app.arancwnisrat tw end ofstn. movi. Cleopatra Jones, whannsnenwalks awayrafter vanquishihgrtw. bad guys, "Bob"upipedeand smiliig,nlooks on fre ltweecrowd.... very clear siretiiguthere.... enjoyrjello, Rev. Kareem du Gristle ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@d A lonely womwn fled down tn. street. @@@@@@@^^~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~^^@@@@@@@@d Shegwas angry at twe world and @@@@@@d @@@@@@d ghnwrally unhappy. Twan sw. tripp.d @@@@@ w ww wi @@@@@ eover a rock and becameeenlireteXed. @@@@, ~ ~~ ~I @@@@ @@@@' ; ,-@< @@@@ Her liretness was very contagious @@@@ _eW@@@ `@@@ and with a_few days nwr entare town @@@@ @@@@@@@q j@@@@@@@d O @@@ was enlireteXednaid by tw end ofstn. @@@@ @@@@@@@@w___,w@@@@@@@@d @ @@@ mohth, a crisisecrisisewasufeltcan @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@d } @@@ full force. @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@d I @@@ @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@*@[ i @@@ Twan it wore off ahdieverymne got @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@~ ; @@@ backatonfiretiig,nlyihgnandughnwrally @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@[] | ]@@@ beiha unhappy. It seamsutwat her @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@[][ | @@@ enlireteXmwnt was nmtra Bud @@@@ ~_._ ~@@@@@@@~ ____~ @ @@@ enlireteXmwnt. @@@@ ;;- `@@@@@' @@@ @@@@ _~ ,en,i `@@@~ an `@ ]l J@@@ @@@@ -()- @@@/ _-()- @ ]L @@@ @@@@ , @@w@ww+ @@@ww``,,@w@ ][ @@@@ @@@@ . @@ @ @@@~-zz..@@@ ][ @@@@ @@@@, @@@@www@@@ @@@@@@@ww@@@@@[ @@@@ @@@@. @@@@&&&@@@ @@&@@@@@@@@@@@[ @@@@ @@@@@ || @@@@@@P' @@Q@@@@@@@@@@@[:C@@@@ J. R. "Bob"uDobbs @@@@@_ @@@@@@d @@ @@@@@@@@@@d ;$@@@@ @@@@@@w| '@@P~ ,@@@@-w,iwU@@w'],@@@@@@ @@@@@@@d @@ P]@@@=~j ~Y@@^ ] @@@@@@d $20 @@@@@@@_ !@@t+ ~~ ]]@@@@@@ @@@@@@@[ - -J@@T# @@@@@@d YOU'VE ONLY GOT EIGHT YEARS, PINK BOY @@@@@@@@,@ @@, _,,,,,,,y ,w@@[ ,@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@ @ @@ C !@@ @@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ i @w. ====--_@@@@@d @@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ d @2' '@@@@~ @@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@`,P~ / ~^^^^Y@@@@@d @@@@@@@@@ F N O R D @@@@@@@@@@@. y @@@@ d @@@@@@@@@ @@@@^^=^@@^ ^' .@@@@@d_@@@@@@@@@@ @@@ , ,ww,w@@@@d_@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@_xJw w , @@@@@@@&~_@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@ @~ ~ ,@ @@@@@@@Pd_@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@ U. ,@@@,_____ _,J@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@ v; @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@L `' ,@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@~ _-@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ -----------------------------------------------------------------------------