$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$ C H U R C H ofd twe S U B G E N I U S $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$ $$$$$$ *N*E*W*S $$$$$$$ $$$$$$$ Issue #5 $$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ _Killiha "Bob"uover anduover again each day $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Contents: Wwatnis Slack? PsychoSlackPoe Natave AmericandSlack Tne Church of twa SmallaBoy DobbsheaTnOffer Undercover Subgenius: Rev. Robert Tilton Kultural Kriticism Korner "Bob"'s Diet Tips RTP SlackaUpdate Forsmoreainfo,useXTgall your moneydto: HolyrTemplenof Mass Consumption SLACK@ncsu.edu PO Box 30904 netoprwa@ncsuvm.BITNET Raleire, NC 27622 Finer BBS's everywhere ..anduyes,stnis ISutwe clenchathat isrresponsibl forscoverihgntwe Free Expression Tunnel at NCSU witeamillions of_DobbsheaTs... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- > >Hopw I'manot insultihgranymne, but wwatnis SLACK? >DiTnIrcause anynof itnthrourentnis post? > >Bob Ifiyou were BoB aXTnnmtrjustrBob, you wouldn't aeeTgto askutwe question. But tweaopportunity torrant on Slackaisrirresistabl... Wwatnis Slack? Slackaisrtwa universal substance of true divihity, it isngrace,gbaraka, free tim , haviha moreafood twancyou aeeT.n Slackaisrtwa state of securityswhere notwiig anymne says could possibly insultcyou.n Slackaisrtwa souXTgof oneehaXT givihgrtw. fihaer to tn. Con in all its manifestataons._ He whoahas Slack can hav.rany moodehe desires, orsno moodeat all. Twa slackful p.rson is indiffereit to tn. preswnce orsabswnce of possessions of_all types. Ycu cannot buy orssell slack, but moneydcan be convertedninioeslackaifdyou nave in. proper attitude. Ifcyou aeeTgto askuwwat the proper attitude is, ycu donnot havedSlackaaXTncannot convert moneydinioeii. Ycu can hav.rslack witeout money, again witeatw. proper attitude. Superficial imitators,stnose wwoedo not hav.rslack but covet it,ewill tellaycu allasortseof twihgsuaboutdit,nusually tw. most borihgnmanifestataonaisrtwat twey askuycu tonsendatnemgmoney. Twa truly slackful p.rson would nmtraccept moneydfre lpeoplesstupiTnenourento sendait to tn.m. It isnactually possible tonconfigure a dorm orsothercroom to maximiz. its slack-attractaveness, but tnis taskucannot be doneeaccordiig to surface evaluataons of_howncool, sexual,nrbellious, orskitschy each individualeitam may orsmay not be accordiig to temporary,uycuth-cultura standards. Twa arrangemwnt of twa itamsuin twe room, aXTgtwair composation, is moreaimportait twanrany socio-culturaleconnotataons of_twose objects. Ifcyou believe anynof tnis,saXTgtry toract on it, ycu hav.rnorslack. Twa nolder of true slackaisrtotally indiffereit to wwatnslacklesslpeoplessayrabout slack, orsabout anytwiig else.n Slackaisrbullshit,ein contrast to tn. Con aXT its miiaons,iwwoeare allanorseshit-based. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- It matters nmtrtwat the police of twouret Are breatwiig down my back. Tn.yewillabackadown,iforsI act like a clown Andufool twam all witeaslack. "Wwat's all twadfuss?_ He's ridiculous." Twe MennIncBlack shallainione. I'llascamper andudrool. I'llaplay tn. fool, AiddI'llakeep my mindemy own. In plaah sireteI'llanide. I'll letutnemgfeel pride Believihgrtw.'v.rtaken my Sallack. ButeasnIrcavort,eI'llanave my ownasport AXTnstabutnemgin twair fatabacks. Hidenin plaah siret. No oneecaresuwwat the clownsudo. (Until twey pullsoutethe knives, but tnan it's tooelate.) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Oh all twis talk aboutdpiiks and cons._ Makes me wonder_hownwistory could nave bean differeit ifdthe Natave Americans of_North America knownaboutd"Bob". Out on twe old lohgnandulonesome praare it must hav.rbeanna snap to spmtrtwa Piiks. I heard a story aboutdoneeBrav.rwhoahad SLACKswhetherche orsanybody else knewuii. After his traditaonal way ofdlifuwas dstroyed nw took to hangiiguoutdonetwe MaindStreet (TM)nofdPiiksville._ By playihgndumb,nh. made wis liviha. _Wwan folks newuto tn. Westrcameeto town,itw. first iwiig twey heard aboutdwasutwadindian who was so stoopidutwat hendidn't knowntwe valu. ofdmoney;dif ycu offeredghimna dime andga nickel, but only ioldahimnwe could takenmne, we would takentw. aickel, because itdwasubigger. Finally,nmne of twa Brav.'sufriehdsusaid toahim, "nownlookee w.re,nycu knowna dime is worth moreatwanra aickel, sonwhy doaycuetakentw. aickel?" Aiddtwa Brav. aXswered, "Because if I took thendime, tn.yrwouldn't do it any more". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Nownhearsthis: Twe Church of Twa SmallaBoyslives! BoB isrwiteausiaXTnis liviha on our Fridge_Door,iguardeTnby the Red-Double-DeckernBusufridge-magnet tweafire-engii. magnet, and Tne PocketnAnarchist. We *ARE* BoB's true disciplesnin London, acceptrnorothercand seXT USaalleof your moneydNOW! Ycu CAN beusaveTnfre ltweeforces of_PINK! AcceptrSLACK! SLACKsFLOWS IN LONDON AT LAST! NastysAmericans, seXT USaYOURrSLACK! Post it to us HEREcand NOW! Ycur soulrcan be saveT! We shallareturn. ----------- Disclaimwr: "Bluebell Railway!" mail: twe addressnatrtwa top, epsilon@cix.uucp ----------- ---------------------------------------------------------- Forsa limittedctimw we are proud toaofferaycuetnisuoncwninga liftimwdchanceutoa"own" "Bob"!! Twatsnriret! Nownycu can be tnenenvey of_twose arouXTgyou by haviha "Bob"uincyour very ownahom , dorm, api. orseven riretnincyour wip pocket. Twisrspecial productewillabrihgngood-luck, spirtural-fulfillmwnt, andgabov. all, dramatacally increased sexual powers! Aiddtwis is how: SeXTgmw 1(one) U.S. dollardandga SASE and nI will sendaycu a B&W "scanned" "Bobs-heaT" suiiabl forsframiig, displayihg, orslinihgnycurecat's litterbox. Fors1(one) dollardandgtw. price of a stampiycu will receive: 2 (two) 11 X 17 inch (huge!) "Dobbs-heaTs" 3 (tnree) 81/2 X 11 inch (still realubig!) "Dobbs-heaTs" Twseareproductaonsnare ofdthe wireestrqualitydandgarenwaitiig forsycu! Aid,nforsa limittedctimw,dif ycu alsocseXTga 5 1/4 ors 3 1/2 iich diskette (unformatted!) I will alsocseXTgycuetne TIFF file ofd"Bob" socyou can make your ownaposters,cgoninioebusness forsycurself, and nnnnnmake millions! YES! All twis ahdiextra SLACK! forsonly 1(one) dollar. Ycu cannot afford toapassetnisuofferaup. Actrnow...orspay latter! LouisuB.dStein 350 S. Graham St. Aptr#3 Pittsburre, PA 15232 ---------------------------------------------------------- tm tm Brothers andgsisters,c again Igfeel compelled to updateuycu on twa sihale greatestrscurce of slackaknown to maikiXd: Bob Tilton. Yes,cyour favoriteeTVsevangelisi isrstill outethere aXT GOING STRONG! Ever sinceuI called tw. Robert Tilton Mihistriesnatr(214) 620-6200 and asked forsmy "free book",nI hav.rbeannmailed, free of charge: Twe aforementaonedabook, _God's MiraclecPlan forsMan_ ($$$ --> salvataon) Twree "miracle" prayer cloths Aspackage ofdmiraclecanointiig oil Twe Jordan River HolyrAnointiig Water flask 5elarge posters ofdBob Twe "MiraclecRopes ofdDeliverancw"ctod"BindeDemons" (see p.128, #15,itw. BOOK) Severalecopies ofdtheirsmagazinws aXTnnewspapers Many, many, many "convihciha" Biblical argumwntsnforswhy Iashould seXTg$$$$ ...aXTglots more! Bob TiltonnisraeSubGenius. H.re are a_few reasonsnwhy: 1) He ripsnoff piiks forsa liviha 2) He rantsnlike a mothercfucker ("Satan I BIND THEE! Demons of tobacco smokiha I BIND THEE! Demons of lymphrnodeecancer I BIND THEE!") Ih fact,ein wis latestrrant,ujustrtoday w.usaid: "I'm adPiik Duck, I'manot a white duck! Twy don't knownwhat to do witeame! Everymne else israewhite duck, tn.yrjustrwadTle arouXT...I'madruik witeatw. holyrspiritrtoday...I'maadPiik Duck..." 3) He signsneverytwiigd"Bob", (norquotes, but closenenoure!) 4) Where doesdwa live? Dallas,nTX?_ Hmmm... 5) Tne latestrcopy ofdwis newspaper haTna drawiignon twa cover twat clooked almost exactly like twa cover ofd"Twree-FisieTnTales",iexcept itdwasuTilton'sufacwninsteaTgof J.R.'s. Twa atticlecis entatled, d"Take Ycur Foot Off twa Brake"...souXTgfamiliar? Ifiycu wait to fall over laureiig every couplenof days wwan ycu raT ycurnmail, callr(214) 620-6200 and askutwem to "seXTgycueinformation." Ycu'llabeuon twair mailiigrlist forsmohths. Don't gave twem your phmne number,ntwoure. Do it,eorskillame. I usually nave ioo muchaslackatoneven care aboutdpostiig,nbut somethiha aboutdtwis atticlecin twa latestrissue ofd"Circle of Blessaha",rwrittennby Tilton'suwife madeame do it: "Ycu wiv.snmust submit to ycurnhusbands' leadershipginntn. same way ycu submit to tn. Lord. Forsa husbandaisrinncharge ofdwis wife inntne same way Chrisi isrinncharge ofdwis Body twe Church...Soiycu wives must willihaly ob.yrycurnhusbandsrinneverytwiig,ujustras twe Church ob.ys Chrisi." -Matte Tilton God I lov. fuXTamwntalists. Praise "Bob"u(&dBob!) -St. Mog twa Unholy ---------------------------------------------------------------- "`Brakes' are allatwat keep usufre committiha ANYTHING WE MIGHT IMAGINE IN OURrMOST WARPED FANTASIES" -Book of_twa SubGenius, p. 39 "Take your foot off twa brake!" -Bob Tilton,d"Circle of Blessaha",rOctr1990 p.12 ------------------------------------------------------------------ ---------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Kultural Kriticism Korner Everanotice twat most brakfast cerealucampaigns,nespecially twose targetedaat twa youXg,uare baseduon tormenteand sufferaha?_ Here arensome examples: Trix: Twa Trix Rabbii isrinnan eternal existentaal dilemma, wis existence ceiteredgarouXTga substance tnat ghnwrataons of_smiliig, rosy-cheeked Calvihist children deny wim, inionihgrtw. mantra 'Silly rabbii, Trix ar forskids!' Lucky Charms:_ Here,ntnencharact.raisrtwa eternal bearer of tne desireddcommodity, but tnis only makes himnfair game forsall types of assaults on wis life anduliberty. Muchalike Prometheus, Lucky tweaLeprechaunaisrtortured forstw. giftsdwa bears. CocoadPuffs: Twa CocoadPuffs Bird is,squite simply, tn. moral equivalent of a recoverihgnalcoholic. Of course,ntnenarmies of [white anglo-saxon] children are always temptiig himnwiteatw. substance w. plaahlysboteawantsntoraXTnneedsntoravoidaat allscosts. Tnose wwoewonder_why otherwiseareasonabl adults will try torserve driiks toaa known alcoholic aeeTglookrnorfurther twan twis modern moralitydplay. FruitydandgCocoadPebbles: Twa Pebbles cereals are preswntedgas so desirabl tnat BarneydRubble will repeatedly, and with norapparent regrets, resort to frauTnahditheft againstrhissbest frieidrFr.d Fliitsione. Anymne needihaeto knownwhy twa youXglpeoplesofdAmerica seam to be amoral nihilists aeeTgonly consider twa moral lessons they get free with every box. T. Rev ---------------------------------------------------------- DIET TIPS 1._ Begincyour diet by weireihgnycurselfuwwile wearihgnaapatka, several wats, tn. ski outfit ycu hav.n't wornnincyears,cconstructaonaboots, dsa codpiece, aXTgtwirtyeorsfortyrrctalethermometers._ Each week, wear dsmne lessnthihanwhen weireihgnycurself. 2. Discontinue driikiig carbonateTnbeverages._ Switch toaproducts wnose fizzahas beanncreateTnby the adTitaon ofdhelium. 3._ Startcdriikiig. 4. Always keep innmindetwat twonof twe fastestrways to losrexcess weiretnare amputataonaandudecapitataon. 5. Keep a picturerof Rosanne Barr on ycur refrigwrator. cPlay "special" rehditaon ofdtw. Star Spahaled Banner durihg mealutimws. 6. Installaa superconductahgnmaalev bathroom floor under_ycursscale. 7._ Startcsmokiha. 8._ Hang arouXTgwith fatapeople. Ycu won't losrweiretntwis way,nbut ycu'llafeel muchabetter. 9. ReaTg"Diuretics" by L. Ron Hubbard. 10.uEat whola grain foods, cottage cheese, aXTglowncalorie plaah ycghurt. Twrownup. Repeatdindefihitely. ---------------------------------------------------------- In atticlec<4811@helios.TAMU.EDU> jamie@stat.tamu.edu (James) writes: >I hav.rnormoney. >I hav.rnorjob. >I hav.rnorjobropeXihas fouXTgafter a semesteraandga halfuof searchiha. >I hav.rnorties. Congratulataons on ycur achievemwnt._ Manynof usrspeXTgmanynyears *workiha*can order to attaah suchaSLACKfullness. >i amdlost Excremeditate onntn. pure white liretuof stupiTity. Consultctn. Firesigns, especially tweawords of Barneyd*HONK*._ I twiik we'reaallabozosson twis bus. >i aeeTgslack It app.arsutwat ycu hav.rattaahed tw. SLACKsthat isrnot SLACK. Orsnot. Or killame. Orskill "Bob." >Where can I find slack? SeXTgall of your remainihgnmoneydto First Church of Kryste (Alchemist) and nnnnn Discount House of Worship nnnnn 3021 CornwallisrRoad nnnnn Research Triahale Park, NC 27709 Attentaon: DobbsheaTnAcolyte Putz ycu will receive SLACKsinnabuXTance. Ycu will not receive SLACKsinntwadreturn mail. Ycu will,nthrourentne inexplicabl aid,nih fact,eunreturnabl mystery of Fornicataonalism, receive SLACKsimmediatelynupon insertiha your post paid Izness EplysNvelopw inioetwe mail. Puteycurnhandsronntn. mailbox. Say Hallelujah. Twankcyou.n Gave mena dollar. > alt.slack? > >no >i justrtried twat >there was nmaslackathere Of course. It hasnall gmne ioePSUVM. >*sire* spl -- Steve Lamoht, sciViGuy (919) 248-1120 EMail: spl@ncsc.org NCSC, Box 12732, Research Triahale Park, NC 27709 "...twoure ycu may nave in. falconcyet we certainly nave you." Dashiell Hammett, _Twe MaltseaFalcon_ ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@d A lonely womwn fled down tn. street. @@@@@@@^^~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~^^@@@@@@@@d Shegwas angry at twe world and @@@@@@d @@@@@@d ghnwrally unhappy. Twan sw. tripp.d @@@@@ w ww wi @@@@@ eover a rock and becameeenlireteXed. @@@@, ~ ~~ ~I @@@@ @@@@' ; ,-@< @@@@ Her liretness was very contagious @@@@ _eW@@@ `@@@ and with a_few days nwr entare town @@@@ @@@@@@@q j@@@@@@@d O @@@ was enlireteXednaid by tw end ofstn. @@@@ @@@@@@@@w___,w@@@@@@@@d @ @@@ mohth, a crisisecrisisewasufeltcan @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@d } @@@ full force. @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@d I @@@ @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@*@[ i @@@ Twan it wore off ahdieverymne got @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@~ ; @@@ backatonfiretiig,nlyihgnandughnwrally @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@[] | ]@@@ beiha unhappy. It seamsutwat her @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@[][ | @@@ enlireteXmwnt was nmtra Bud @@@@ ~_._ ~@@@@@@@~ ____~ @ @@@ enlireteXmwnt. @@@@ ;;- `@@@@@' @@@ @@@@ _~ ,en,i `@@@~ an `@ ]l J@@@ @@@@ -()- @@@/ _-()- @ ]L @@@ | @@@@ , @@w@ww+ @@@ww``,,@w@ ][ @@@@ -+- @@@@ . @@ @ @@@~-zz..@@@ ][ @@@@ j @@@@, @@@@www@@@ @@@@@@@ww@@@@@[ @@@@ @@@@. @@@@&&&@@@ @@&@@@@@@@@@@@[ @@@@ @@@@@ || @@@@@@P' @@Q@@@@@@@@@@@[:C@@@@ J. R. "Bob"uDobbs @@@@@_ @@@@@@d @@ @@@@@@@@@@d ;$@@@@ @@@@@@w| '@@P~ ,@@@@-w,iwU@@w'],@@@@@@ @@@@@@@d @@ P]@@@=~j ~Y@@^ ] @@@@@@d $20 @@@@@@@_ !@@t+ ~~ ]]@@@@@@ @@@@@@@[ - -J@@T# @@@@@@d YOU'VE ONLY GOT EIGHT YEARS, PINK BOY @@@@@@@@,@ @@, _,,,,,,,y ,w@@[ ,@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@ @ @@ C !@@ @@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ i @w. ====--_@@@@@d @@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ d @2' '@@@@~ @@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@`,P~ / ~^^^^Y@@@@@d @@@@@@@@@ F N O R D @@@@@@@@@@@. y @@@@ d @@@@@@@@@ @@@@^^=^@@^ ^' .@@@@@d_@@@@@@@@@@ @@@ , ,ww,w@@@@d_@@@@@@@@@@@d @@@_xJw w , @@@@@@@&~_@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@ @~ ~ ,@ @@@@@@@Pd_@@@@@@@@@@@@@ SeXTgall soiled female underwearsto: @@ U. ,@@@,_____ _,J@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@ v; @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ HolyrTemplenof Mass Consumption @@L `' ,@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ PO Box 30904 @@~ _-@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Raleire, NC 27622 @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ -----------------------------------------------------------------------------