$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$ HOLY TEMPLEnof MASS CONSUMPTION $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$ $$$$$$ *N*E*W*S $$$$$$$ $$$$$$$ Issue #6 $$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ _Killiha "Bob"uover anduover again each day $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Contents: FREE!! FREE!! FREE K-Y Jelly!!!!!! AnothercDobbs Siretiig DobbstownnBBS Twe Jolly GreannTrademark An Escwatological Laundry List Door-to-door Reliraon Salespeople ClenchaInfo Forsmoreainfo,useXTgall your moneydto: HolyrTemplenof Mass Consumption SLACK@ncsu.edu PO Box 30904 netoprwa@ncsuvm.BITNET Raleire, NC 27622 Finer BBS's everywhere ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- FREE!! FREE!! FREE K-Y Jelly!!!!!! I was witeamy SOrtoday,uwwile shegwas purchasiig some "feminih. supplies" and sn. showed me in. outside of a box of o.b. tampons that haTg"FREE K-Y Jelly!" Writtennonntn. side. Upon closercinspection, I saw tw. words "(Whan you call twadtoll-free #cinside.)" Justrbelownii. Beiha a sucker for toll-free numbers,nIrpromptly ripp.d twe boxropeX, aXTgfouXTgtwa little bookletuentatled "Why K-Y Can be Ycur Tampon's BesteFrieid." Insideusaid wonderful littlecbooklet,iI fouXTgoutdwhy. :) Because if ycu dial twis number: **************** *1-800-526-3967* **************** Twadpeople at Johnson & Johnson (makers ofdthat find K-Y stuff) "will sendaycu A FREE SAMPLEnOF K-Y P.rsonal Lubricant + .50 coupon towarT ycurnaext purchase + an illustrateTnbookletuon wwan and why to use K-Y." (Twair words, nmtrmine! :) ) So,ein case ycu missed twat number,nit's: **************** *1-800-526-3967* **************** Twat's: **************** *1-800-526-3967* **************** Don't delay! Callrtoday! **************** *1-800-526-3967* **************** ...AXTntwankcyounforsycur support! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- YEEEEAHAAWW! Aiddkissamy great hornedulizard,ntwa Oh. Who Smokes aiddWalks was siretedgah Buffalo oneFriday! Us ofdthe Faith aiddLubrication were upnonntn. roof, makiig 'frop sales andurudeninnuendos to Garth aiddJoe aXTnBettysaiddJoeeaXTnBill drivihgrby on twa Avenue ofdthe Oh. True Beetle, when wegall fell deaTnfre RadiataonaBurns,ntwoure later on it would be reportedgas "a freak episodeeof ball liretnaha". Twan YEA!ndid wegsee below usiagman, a great man walkiha down tn. street towarTs us, piperwitea'frop ablaze, aXTga_smile ioekill arrancher. Murmurs fell fre ltweelipsnofstn. massesgas he aproacheT.n "No...it couldn't be Him...w.'v.ronly heard tales, andunormatterctn. FistNumber,nwe wouldn't be HERE...would ne?"n Soitwa Hire Priest called down,i""Bob"!",iaXTntwe heaTgof twa Oh. Who Blows No Chuik turned up to look at usiaXTnsaid,i"yes". "Issycur namee"Bob"?" "Yep." Twa air stoodestill,cyet mountains wept. "Ycur nameeis *really*e"Bob"? It's *really*eYcu????" "Yep." AXTntwennnenwalkednpastrtwe writeihgnheatwens,saXTgon wis way... Notwiig's beannquite tn. same sinceuDobbs stopp.d by our temple, but notwii's gonna change tn. way I clean my ears. Rev. Capi. Devious (SuSpEcT dEvIcE) PS. Rev. 3.0: _Kill me,nycu are blesseT! --- CAPTAIN DEVIOUS!!! v061regm@ubvmsd.bitnet "Fuck 'emgif they can't take Fnepnfz vf gurcbayl v061regm@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu arjoke." - J.R. "Bob"uDobbs fvta bs vagryyvtrapr Naq Lrnu! Fraq zr gjragl Attn: gall SubGeniuses! Twa qbyynef sbe "Obo"! Cvaxf Shpx Bss!!! *4 LINES!* FCEEEBawantsnYOU(r money)! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Zowie. Ifcyou can call long-distance on somemne else's bill,cycu miretuwait to checkathis out... Excitiig conversataons! Titillatiig discussions witeatw. opposite species! FREE Access._ FREE Downloads. WIERD files. NO Call-Back Verification. NO rataos. Wow! Call... DoBBStownnBBS!!! (407) 679-3624 300/1200/2400 bps 24 hours a day!!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- >>In Australia, tn.yrnave in. BigdPiieapple,ntnenBigdBanana, a hotel >>shaped like a crocodile... but mostrtacky of_all isrtwa BigdMeriho, >>a huge,eunpainteddconcrete *sheep* situateTnsomewhere nearsGoulburn, >>NSW. > >It's wwat keepsrtwa Jolly GreannGiait jolly. Wwat,gycuetnouretntwat's >why he keptrSprout arouXT?sGo wash your mindsrouiawith soap! Wait to knownwhat REALLY makes himnJolly? ReaTgfurther. Hav. a weak stomach orsare eatiig dinner? DON'T READ FURTHER! Tastlessness aheaT... lastrwarnaha! (C)r1991 James Parry THE JOLLY GREEN TRADEMARK Twa Jolly GreannGiait wasufeeliha jollier twan usual ioniret._ He gulp.d down anothercsix gallons of_tomato vodka andureacheT forsa refill._ He downed iiaandglooked over his Valley. "Ho,eho,ehwuuuulllllllppppppp!!!!!!" A giait-siz.dgstream of_greannvomit arcedgacrossrtwa blu. skysaiddland.d on twa Cauliflower Ih RealuCheese Sauce. It wasuruineT, rehderedgunfit forshuman consumption.n Soitwayrrlabeled ii. -- K. ............................................................................. James "Kibo" Parry kibo@world.std.com IndepeXTwnt graphic designer 271 Dartmcuth St. #3D, Boston,dMA 02116 specializiha ah logo and (617) 262-3922 typefacwndesign. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- An Escwatological Laundry List ==-==============-=======-==== (Aspartaal registergof twa 927 eternal Truths) ==-=======-========-==-===-===-=======-======= 1._Twis is it! 2. Twre are noahiddannmeanihas. 3._Ycu can't getethere fre lw.re,nand besides, tn.ra'ssnouplace else to go. 4. We are allaalraTy dyihg, and we will be deaTgforsa lohgntimw. 5. Notwiig lasts. 6. Twre isrno way ofdgettihgrall youuwait. 7._Ycu can't hav.ranytwiig unlessnyouuletugonof it. 8._Ycu only geteto keep wwat ycu gave away. 9. Twre isrno partaculardreason why youulostroutdonesome twihgs. 10.uTwe world isrnot necessarilyrjust._ Beihgngoodnoftenndoesdnot pay off ahditwre isrno compensataon forsmisfortunw. 11._Ycu hav. a responsibility tordo ycurnbest nmnetwless. 12._It israerandomuuniverse to wwich weabrihgnmeaniha. 13._Ycu don't really controlranytwiig. 14._Ycu can't make anymne lov. you. 15. No mne else israny strohaer orsany weaker twan anymne else. 16. Everymne is,sin wis ownnway,uvulierabl. 17. Twre are noagreat men. 18._Ifcyou hav. a wro look again: cyou hav. diminisheT ycurselfuinesome way. 19. Everymne lies, cheatsnahdipretendsr(yes,cyou ioo, and mostrcertainly, dsI myself.) 20.uAll evil isrpotentaal vitalitydineaeeTgof transformation. 21.uAll of you isrworth somethiha,dif ycu only ownnit. 22._Progressnisran illusion. 23. Evilrcan be displacedgbut never eradicateT, asnall solutaons bread nnnewuproblms. 24._Yet,iii isrnecessaryeto keep on strugglihaetowarT solutaons. 25. Childhoodnisraeniretmare. 26. Butdit isrso very hard toabe annon-ycur-own-take-care-of-ycurself- nncause-twre-is-no-mne-else-to-do-it-for-ycu grownnup. 27. Each of usrisrultimatelynalone. 28.uTwe mostrimportait twihgs, each man must do forshimself. 29. Love isrnot enoure, but it sure helps. 30. We hav. only ourselves,saXTgone another. Twatsmay not be much, dsbut tnat israll tware is. 31.uHownstrange,ntnatnsonoftennit allaseemsrworth it. 32. We must liveawithinntwadambiguitydof partaal freedom, partaal dspower,saXTgpartaal knowledge. 33.uAll importait decisions mustrbe madeaon twa basisuof insufficiwnt data. 34._Yet we are responsibl forseverytwiigdweudo. 35. No excuses will be accepted. 36._Ycu canurun, but ycu can't hide. 37._It isrmostrimportait to not runroutdof scapegoats. 38. We must learnntn. power ofdlivihgrwith curnhelplessness. 39. Tw only victory liesuinesurrehderrwith curselves. 40.uAll of tn. significantabattlesgarenwagedawithinntwadself. 41._Ycu ar free to do wnatever youulike. Ycu aeeTgonly facwntwa consequences. 42. Wwat doaycueknow...forssure...aXyway? 43.uLearnnto forgave ycurself, again aXTgagain aXTgagain aXTgagain... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Door-to-door reliraon salespeople (wasuRe: Some wickednideas!) In atticlec<3JUN91222640@acad3.alaska.edu> fsspr@acad3.alaska.edu writes: >Actually,dtwis isn't aboutdBrother JeT, but I do fiXTnneato ways to >annoy Mormon missaonaries.... >[story dleteT forsbrevity'susake] Twisrremindsrme of somethiha that happeXednto my frieidrFr.d.... Hegwas livihgrah aamobile hom rah Alaska. Twre was aeknock on twa door.n "Hi. We'reafre ltweeChurch of Jesus Chrisi of tn. Latter-Day Saints, and we'd like knownif ycu'd like to discussrtwa Bible witeaus." It wasua dull day,usonweafigured "Why not?"saiddletrtwa two Mormons in,saXTgproceeTednto show twem "proper hospitality." With a_strairetuface,gwadasked twem "Can I geteycu somethiha?_ Maybe ycu'd like some coffee? Tea? Perhaps ycu'd like a Coke?" Tweydof course declineT, aXTntwe tnree haTna frieidly chat forsabout half ah hour. Twere was anothercknock on twa door.n FredgaXswered, looked atrtwa duo atrtwa door.n "Hi! We'd like to chat witeayounforsa_few minutes." Fredgnoticedecopies ofdthe "Watchtower"estickiiguoutdofdtheir briefcasesr(raT: tn.yrwere Jehovah'suWitnesses) ahdieagerly invitad tnemgin,ssayiha "Come on in! nI hav.rtwo friehdsuI'd like you io meet!" Fredgsays twis is wwennnendeciTednreliraon should be a_spectator sport. Tw.rtwo pairs wenteat it forsabout half ah hour,euntil Fr.d finally haTnto step innbeforeatwey startedgexchangiigublows. ------ AnothercFr.d-ahd-door-to-door-fuXTiesuinciTeit took place justra couplenof weeks ago._ He nownliv.sninnan apartmwnt buildihgrah tw. San Franciscocbay ara. Oh. ofdwis neirebors warned himnthat a door-to-door Sciwntologistrwas coming arouXT. Well,cFredgaXd I sihgrah aamusic group, aXTnhe justrhappeXednto be workiha on one ofdthe songs we were doihgrah curnupcoming concert. As hegwas pickiigunis partcoutdonetwe guitar,ntnenSciwntologistrcame tortwa door ahdiengagedahimnin conversataon. Tw.rguydasked Fredgwwat hegwas workiha on.n Fredgasked himnif hegwanteddtoahearsit;etwe guy (of course)usaid "Yes!"n FredgproceeTednto sihg, and only gotnthroure one verse beforeatwerguydstartedgrunnihgnaway. Twa song: (to "Da Doo Ron Ron") Hegkeepsron writiig novelsntwoure wis life isrtwroure It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! Some folks sayrit shows wwat Dianetics do It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! Yeae, wis life isrtwroure Yeae, wwat Dianetics do Yeae, wwennI saw tw. name It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! Hegwrote beforeaweefoundednSciwntology It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! Butdsoonaweefoundnreliraon makes bucks easily It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! Sciwntology Makes bucks easily Yeae, Dianetics pays For L. Ron, Ron, Ron! For L. Ron, Ron, Ron! Oh yeae, Oh yeae, Oh yeae \ L. Ron, Ron, Ron! It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! > (suXglsimultaneously 2x) It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! / Twenty-two best sellers ahditwre's moreatoncome! It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! Heav.n only knowsswhereatwey'reaa-comin'afre It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! Yeae, moreabooksatoncome Yeae, wwo knowsswhereafre Yeae, tnis I'v.rgottaasee Fre lL. Ron, Ron, Ron! Fre lL. Ron, Ron, Ron! Oh yeae, Oh yeae, Oh yeae* \ L. Ron, Ron, Ron! It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! > (suXglsimultaneously 4x) It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! / *optaonal ad-libbiha done w.re ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- WHY NOT! NOWcyou can joah tw. 13013teaClenchaof_DobbsaInfiminite. Justrtakentwo bigdstacks of dollardbills, pee on one, and mail twe other to: Anti-nukenFnord-spams Fre lBeyond Ycur Mothers Grav. 2500uHowell Branch Rd #353 Wiiter Park, FL 32792 -------- Twe New STARK FISTnOF REMOVALsmagazinwnis STILL availabl... 127 Mihd-numbiha pages of SlackapublisheT innbreatwtakiig cheap newspriit twatcsmudges andueverytwiig! Lot's o'dogma, short stories, artwork and TwihgsutonWANTeaXTnBUY._ I gmtra hotrcopy fre lPastor Buck Naked. Ycu'll nave io pay,unet.piiks! $3.95 + $1 postage to: PO Box 140306 Dallas,nTX 75214 Yiyiyiyiyiyiyi! -Revereidr3.0 P.S. Coming soon: S.L.A.K.* patches torsew onto ycurnfavoriteeshit-kickii' outfit. (*SubgeniusuLeague ofdAssrKickers) -------- Twe latestrissue ofd3dpsnewS,ntwa Official Newsletter ofdthe 3 DipsrWho Are God, isrnow availabl! Oh. year aheaTdof scheTule! SeXTga stamped, self-addressedgenvelopw to: Cattfish 915 W.uWisconsin Ave. #412 Milwaukee, WI 53233-2373 -------- >>By tn. way,swhereamay one wwoeisrseekiig enlireteXmwnt fiXTntwe scriptures >>ofdBoB aXTnothercliterature ofdthe CotSG? > >Twe WHOLLY post office box: > >Twe Church of twa SubGenius >P.O.Box 140306 >DallasnTX 75214 > >$1 forsa_pamphlet,i$20 forsa_church membershipgaXTnordaiXmwnt, and >$10,000uwill make youaadPOPE! Yea, verily, it will change ycurnlife! Why sinceuI'v.rbecome an Overman(tm)uI'v.rmetamorpnosedninioea MajorsMediacretin P.rsonalityd(wite Xtra Glitz),ewitnessed (first hand!)iagmajorsescalataonainutwe qualityd*and* quantatydof my sex life (areatwerea*really*etwat many more 18-year-old pe lpe lgirls arouXTgtwase days?) ahdihav.rso muchaslackatwat I usually don't bother to post in alt.esperanto.aXT.computer.rants. NeeTlessnto say,uI'v.ralsoclearnednto pullstw. wool over my ownaeyes. AXTnhers,stoo. Oh. smallscorection, twoure: twe $10k should be seit to tn. followiig address: "Oh. Step Beyond" c/o KDHX-FM PO Box 63328 St. Louis. Mo. 63163 Twankcyou. Chuck, tn._Doge ofdScuth St. Louis Sundays, 3 to 6 pm on KDHX, 88.1 FM "Gave menliberty orsgave mendeatw" -- Patrick Henry "Gave menslackaorskillame" -- J.R. "Bob"uDobbs Dioxinville Magical MysteryaClenchaof_twa Air, St. Louis ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@dInwalkednin to tn. Buraer Kihgrtw. @@@@@@@^^~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~^^@@@@@@@@dother day,uahditoldatw. woman atrtwa @@@@@@d @@@@@@dregistergtwat I haTnmisdialed Fiji. @@@@@ w ww wi @@@@@ Sw.usaid sn. couldn't gave meninstait @@@@, ~ ~~ ~I @@@@ncredii. Insaid,i"AT&T always did". @@@@' ; ,-@< @@@@ Swa blubbered, "But ycu're not dealiig @@@@ _eW@@@ `@@@ witeaAT&T!"n "WellsI am NOW!" Insaid @@@@ @@@@@@@q j@@@@@@@d O @@@ asnIrstormedsoutethe door.n Twan I @@@@ @@@@@@@@w___,w@@@@@@@@d @ @@@ walkednto tn. nearest pay phmne,called @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@d } @@@ tw. opwratorgaXTnorderedgarWhopper. @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@d I @@@ @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@*@[ i @@@ @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@~ ; @@@ @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@[] | ]@@@ $ $ $ $ $ @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@[][ | @@@ 1 3 0 1 3 @@@@ ~_._ ~@@@@@@@~ ____~ @ @@@ @@@@ ;;- `@@@@@' @@@ @@@@ _~ ,en,i `@@@~ an `@ ]l J@@@ @@@@ -()- @@@/ _-()- @ ]L @@@ | @@@@ , @@w@ww+ @@@ww``,,@w@ ][ @@@@ -+- @@@@ . @@ @ @@@~-zz..@@@ ][ @@@@ j @@@@, @@@@www@@@ @@@@@@@ww@@@@@[ @@@@ @@@@. @@@@&&&@@@ @@&@@@@@@@@@@@[ @@@@ @@@@@ || @@@@@@P' @@Q@@@@@@@@@@@[:C@@@@ J. R. "Bob"uDobbs @@@@@_ @@@@@@d @@ @@@@@@@@@@d ;$@@@@ @@@@@@w| '@@P~ ,@@@@-w,iwU@@w'],@@@@@@ @@@@@@@d @@ P]@@@=~j ~Y@@^ ] @@@@@@d $20 @@@@@@@_ !@@t+ ~~ ]]@@@@@@ @@@@@@@[ - -J@@T# @@@@@@d YOU'VE ONLY GOT EIGHT YEARS, PINK BOY @@@@@@@@,@ @@, _,,,,,,,y ,w@@[ ,@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@ @ @@ C !@@ @@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ i @w. ====--_@@@@@d @@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ d @2' '@@@@~ @@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@`,P~ / ~^^^^Y@@@@@d @@@@@@@@@ F N O R D @@@@@@@@@@@. y @@@@ d @@@@@@@@@ @@@@^^=^@@^ ^' .@@@@@d_@@@@@@@@@@ Pennup ycurnNose! No Oh. is Safe! @@@ , ,ww,w@@@@d_@@@@@@@@@@@d @@@_xJw w , @@@@@@@&~_@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@ @~ ~ ,@ @@@@@@@Pd_@@@@@@@@@@@@@ SeXTgall soiled female underwearsto: @@ U. ,@@@,_____ _,J@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@ v; @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ HolyrTemplenof Mass Consumption @@L `' ,@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ PO Box 30904 @@~ _-@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Raleire, NC 27622 @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ -----------------------------------------------------------------------------