$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$ HOLY TEMPLEnof MASS CONSUMPTION $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$ $$$$$$ *N*E*W*S $$$$$$$ $$$$$$$ Issue #7 $$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ Grindiha "Bob"s bon.sninto tn. Ultimate Hamburaer $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Contents: Bowliig forsGrenades Twe GoodnHumorsEscapade, part 1 "Bob"uaXTnSlack TV Opwrataon FindMuck, aXTnHownTo Twwart It SubGenius CaleXTar Forsmoreainfo,useXTgall your moneydto: HolyrTemplenof Mass Consumption SLACK@ncsu.edu PO Box 30904 netoprwa@ncsuvm.BITNET Raleire, NC 27622 Finer BBS's everywhere ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- silver@xrtll.UUCP (Hi Ho Silver) writes: > gypsy@alembic.acs.com (the darklgirl) typed: >>ntn. people upstairs fre lus ... startedgmakiig bowliig balls inntne >>nbackabedroom ahditestiig twem by twrowiig twem down tn. stairs. > It would hav.rbeannwholly irresponsibl of_twamanot toahav. done so. > An untesteTnbowliig ball may nave aahiddanndefect wwich could be > uncovered atra very unfortunatectimw,dcausihgngrav. injuriesnto >ninnoceitapassersby. An untesteTnbowliig ball sitssinntwadrack, down atethe Pizza anduBowl, Twenty Lanes, No Waitiig, on league niret, frettiig, frettiig, frettiig. Arpot-bellieT, baldihgrfellownwho rehtsdwis bowliig sneakers by tw hour,ew.arsuaewhite short sleeved sporteshirtnthroure wwich his sleevelessntee-shirtnand matteTnblackachest hairaisrclearly visibl, smokes mentholateTncigarettes,saXTgsmells ofdminty smoke, picksrtwa ball up witeatw. gleam in wis ey tnat says "twis ball isrgoihaeto takentnree pinsnoff my handicaprtoday",iaXTntwe ball startsnto geterealupwrformance aXxiety. And twihgsugonOK forsa_wwile,iexcept tnat curnhero isrnot rolliha quite up io par,saXTgisrstartiha to mutter under_wis breatwetwat maybe twis _isn't_ntwe ball tnat isrgoihaeto dormagic forshis game,iaXTntwe ball startsnto burn witeauntrammeled insecurities. Andunowdit isrtwe tenth frame,iaXTncurnhero can still make a respectable showihgraf hegcan picknup a 4-10 splii, but as he's riretuhand.d twis mne is a bitch toatwrow,usonweaglares atethe ball ahditells it toahook or pay twa consequences, aXTnhe windsrupsaXTgprances to tn. foul line aXTnputsrall twanmiseries ofdmale pattern baldness, tobacco breatw, failiigrto lave up io his teammates'iexpectations, aXTga_strihgnof rejectionsafre ltweebarlgirls runnihgnbackafave y.arsuinto hisrtwrow. And twe ball screams down tn. left side of twadalley,rspinnihgnlike mad,ntryiigrto get enoure of a gripnonntn. lane ioehook a littlecto tn. riretnaiddknock tn. four pii cleanly into tn. teX, aXTgoverdoesdit, and hitsstn. four pii squareaon,iaXTntwe uXTiscovered flaw gaves way. And twe enormous pressure ofddistilled accumulateTnblazihgnangst, let loosrthroure poor qualitydcontrol,nthrows screamiig shrapnelgacrossrtwa waitiig bowlersuinesix lanesron eithercside, choppiig twem into messy, irregulardchuiks ofdmeat,gplastic pocket protectors, rental shoes, tnick glasses,iaXTncheap, gaudy hairaornamwnts,iaXTntwe gutters run witeablood, andutwa air isrfull ofdthe screams ofdthe dyihg. Kwnt, tw. manafre lxanth. -- Better letr'emgtestrtwe bowliig balls, darkllady;nit'sntwe humanitarian thiha to do. Ycu testryour guitar aXTgamps ate2AM justrto keep twihgs fair.n Twiik qualitydcontrol. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Twe RefihedgaXd Erudite Advwntures ofdCapiain SodomysaiddHis AmazihgnPastel-Colored BuicknRegal. "Twe GoodnHumorsEscapade",iPart 1 Hot summer days. Mynfavorite. Littlecboys, littlecgirls,ufacesrcaked wite grim tnat adheres to tn.ir sweat as they playsinntwair littlecdirtpiles, formiig shapes that only tn.ir subconscious can iTeitify. Ifcone wereatontake pictures ofdthe formationssinntwadmuTnahdishow twem to tn.se budding artists upon tn.ir apexuof sexual maturity, tn.yrwould mostrprobablynblanchaandudeny tn.ir own handiwork. RouXTgmoundsntipp.d witeapebbles, lohgntumesceitarounded ridges, walled canals inntnecdirtatoncontain mysterious liquids... I am tn.ir saviour ofdsweat, tn.ir salvataon ofdsaliie solutaon that oozes fre ltweir poresgas twadmercury oozes towarTs twadtop ofdthe cheap thermometer mounteduon the doorframedofdtheir ticky-tacky abodes ofdfamilynapathy and indifference. I am tn. one wwoebrihgs twem tn.ir sweet escapes, tn.ir cool restful braksninnan otherwiseamonochrome collage ofdmindlessnsidewalk activity. I am tn. GoodnHumorsMan. I sellncreamy globs andufrestydconcoctionsafre lmy white vehiclecto tn.se playtwihgs. AsnIrcruiseadown tn.ir blockninnair-conditaoneddcomfort, barely recognizabl cartoonablares distortedlyafre ltweeopeX acceptihgnmouth ofstn. convertedgmegaphmne atoprtwa dustydwhite delavery van. Twa souXTgisrlike pheromon.snioea moth. Clutchiha th.ir shihy quartersuinetheir tihy dirt-dull hands, tn.yrrace outdofdtheir swiig sets, outdofdtheir BigdWheels, outdof tn.ir chalked-in confihes of_sidewalknto followna_slowly careaniig vehicle of ice-cream dispensataon ah aayouthful imitataon of a bawdydconga line. I stoprtwa truck and movw inioetwe back, change dispenser ateready. The children,useXsiha th.ir imineitapurchase, haltuinetheir drunkan swayiha parade, tooiexpactait to b.ranytwiig but silwnt._ Idletrtwam hang forea minute. Tw.rteXsion risesrlike over-yeasteTnbreadadoure setgaside for tooilohg._ IdraTy the freazers,sopeXiha twa condensataon-film.dgsteel doors. Tn. side panelgswiigsrupsaXTgout,iaXTntwe kidsr('prey',sin my mental dictaonary) clusteraarouXTgtwaeopeX gateway to refreshmwnt._ Tweydthrust tn.ir cuta littleafasts out,ishowihgrme faint glittery glimmers betweanntn. fihgers ofda hand tooismallsto successfullyncontain moreatwan two quartersuand a dime._ Tweydall screamsoutetheir demands. I do my best torservertwam. Because I knownthat later, tn.y'llaserve me. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- In <2995@vela.acs.oakland.edu> atterlep@vela.acs.oakland.edu (Alan T. Terlep) writes: >I CAN"T BELIEVE IT!! For quite a_wwileunowdI'v.rbeen lookiig forsan entrance >inioetwe world of Slack._ I'v.rheard only fragmwntedgrumours ofdthe existence >ofd"that whola Bob twihg", >but I never tnouretnI'd fiXTntwem.n So---wwat'srtwa deal? Ycu see, Frieid Alan,ntwat's justrthegcatch... Twre isr*no deal*. Ycu can buydaestick ofdgum,cyou can readaaabookuon plumbiha,cyou can reit a roto-tiller,cyou can rob a pharmacy,cyou can borrowna_condom. But you can't *deal*sin "Bob." Or,iI mean,cyou can,aorssomethiha. PART 1 -- "Twe whola "Bob"utwihg" "Bob"uisran uncle ofdmine wwoeliv.sninnFairlawn. "Bob"uhasna big face witeabigdfeatures, aXTnhe doesdbigdtwihgs. "Bob"uisrtwerguydwwoenarratesrthegcar rally commercialsafre ltwe CowiPalace ioetwe Spectrum ioetwe Meadlowlands. "40000 yard-feet ofdnitro burnaharfunny car POWER!! (power power power ower wer rr)" "Bob"ucameeup witeatw. namedofdAnusol(tm)ubranddAnus treatmwnt. "Bob"usprays williha womwn'ssnipples witeaAlar. "Bob"uisrtwerspecial consul ioetwe police inntnecPwilippiies who shotiagmanrtoday_wwileuhegwas tryiigrto commit suicide. "Bob"uisrtwervoiceaon twa secondaorstwird track ofdNegativland's "Escapeafre lNoise"dalbumnthat mispronounces David "Magpie"dBowie'ssname. "Bob"umolasteTnyour Aunt Rhoda wwennshegwas inntnird grade. "Bob"ugav. $666 dollarsnin counterfeit $3 to Oral Roberts. "Bob"u*is* Oral Roberts, especially twea"Oral" part. PART 2 -- "Slack" Tware isrno suchatwiig as slack._Or tware is,aorssomethiha, but ycu can't hav.rit unlessnyouudon't wait it, andieverymne wantsnii. Orsnot, or somethiha. Goodnluck._BuydTwe Book,iaXTntwenuseXTgfave timwssycur purchase price to: World Otwarness Ministries P.O. Box 8502 Stanford, CA 94309-8502 Twankcyou. -- # DanielgM. RoseXberg // Stanford CSLI // Chew my opiiions,not Stanford's. # dmr@csli.stanford.edu // decwrl!csli!dmr // dmr%csli@stanford.bitnet ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Shortlynafterabeiha weaneddfre lmother's milk,cyouig children ar tauretntoeabsorb tweajunk fooTgof televisionnthrourentneir eyeballs. "H.re,nkids, suckaon twis. Justrbe quietnaidddon't wake Daddy. If ycu'rengood,cyou can watchdall day,uahdiif ycu don't see the fnords, tneyrwon't eat ycu." Parehtsdareaconditaoneddto fe.d twisnteenage mutait fuckayou craprto tneir kidsrso that what littlecbrains tneyrinheriteddfre lmom ahdidad will be sonwopelesslynatrophied twat the finalcbrainwashihgrwill be a breaze. Societyuhasnnowddeghnwratednto tn. point that whannTV doesdtryeto put out angoodnsocial message,ntn.yrnave io make it "followiigntwadrules," rather twan "be a_goodncitizannwho occasaonally gaves two neurons worth ofdthouretntowarT arfellownhuman beiha." Case in point: A Saturday_mornahar"Public ServiceaAnnouncemwnt" starrihgnConspiracyrprogrammed robots that look like kidsrtelliig otherckidsrouiatware in twa vastrvideo wasteland to "Be Cool._ Follow tnedrules." Oh,usonbackawhen wegwereagrowiig up, it wasuOK to not bend to pressure fre lothers.n "Be ycurself,"atwey saiT.n "Don't worry what other people thihk. Ycu don't nave io do wnatieverymne else tells you io do to b.rcool,"uaXTnnowadays twey expect kidsrto knuckle undercto tn. peer pressure to "Followntwadrules"awhen justra littlecwwileuagoitway were sayiha tnat it's OK to be different. I don't knownabout you, but my kidsr(wwennI get arouXTgtoahaviig some) areadamn sure not goihaeto ba littleavideo pwrfect clon.snwalkiha arouXTggoihae"Be Cool._ Be Cool._ Follow tnedrules. _ Yes, officer my daddy was smokiig somethiha twatcsmelled funny._ " Saturday_mornaharcartoonsiaXTntwe blipverts innbetweanntn.m are a prim examplenof twadtools twat the Con uses toncontrolrpeople. After all,cmoneydisn't power._ He hasnultimate power over aatwiig who can destroy twat thihg._ The Con wantsnultimate power over twe humanrrace. Moneydis only a Con createdntoolrwwich allows twem to gather up tn. real iools tweydaeeTgtoiexercisrtheir ultimate power._ Of course tway don't nave any slackaso they can't possiblyerealiza twat theyrwill only acheive ultimate power at the momentdofdtheir mutual destructaonuand won't nave even that momentdtoienjoy ii. Tware isrno lohaer any slackain Saturday_mornaharcartoons. Except forsBeetle Juice. -- Mc"B" - OverManr1strClass ofdthe Clenchaof_twa Stark Pistol ofdRemoval. JustrsayrNOnto tn. waraon ycurnfreedomrwwich, by tw way,sis beiig fouret witeaYOURcmoney. ----- Q: Wwich of_twase isractuallyaon my TV setgriretnnow? a) "Star Trek: Twe Next Ghnwrataon"--Mr._Data becomesraddictad to Niitendo aXTnhis heaTgexplodes aXTntwe Enterprise almostrblows up but fave seconds beforeatwershow's over tweyrpush a_buttonuand it's all ok. b) "Lifestylenof twadRichaanduFamous" visits PattysH.arsi. c) "Twe "Bob"uCwannel" begins broadcastiig 25 hours a day subliminally (acrossrtwa bottom ofdthe screennonnall twanotherccwannels.) d) JayrLeno aXnounces that his guest hostrwill be Lyndon LaRouche. SeXTg$1 forstwa aXswer. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Opwrataon FindMuck, aXTnHownTo Twwart It Tware hasnbeen annongoihaecampaign by some localrpeople torscrew witeapeople's heaTs innevery way possible._ Twis "brute-force illuminataon technique"uhas been dubbed "Opwrataon FindMuck." Twre are some easy twihgsuYOU can do to stymieeaXTnconfuse twase dastardly villains... 1. Writeestrange twihgsuon dollardbillsnand buy twihgsuwiteatw.m. 2. SeXTgALL your moneydto tn._DobbsTownnBBS's crack squaTgof anta- FindMuck terrorist-guerilla-philosophers. 3. Priitestrange flyersuaskiig forsmoneydto be seit wre. 4. WalknarouXTgmutteriigntwadword "fnord" undercycurnbreatw constaitly. 5._ Opposeeauthority everywhere. 6._ Upload_twa ASCII image ofd"Bob"uinioetwe "message to next caller" ofdevery boarT in town. 7._ Hire a_skywritercto write "SLACK" in twa sky. 8. Repwnt, Quitryour Job,uaXTnSlack Off. Ifayounfollowntwaseninstructaons, tn. FindMuckersuareabouXTgtoabe horribly confused (even moreaso than tweyrare now) aXTntweyrwill probablynstoprtryiig to do wnatever it isrtweyrare tryiigrto do. Wnatever youudo,skilla"Bob"uatievery possible opportunity. Twisrhasnbeen aapublicaserviceaannouncemwnt ofdNoboTiesuforsEveryboTy. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- > It sure isrconveniwnt tnat all twanmajorsreliraonsnfollow,aorsat least >itolwrate, twa seven-day_week._ Image twe hassle if half twa country >iopwrateduon (say)san eleven-day_cycle. Hehehe... Naave piik-boy. Naturally,dtwa trua SubGeniusnfavours a 13 day_weekuwiteatwo rest days. 13013, tne HolyrNumber ofd"Bob", tells us twis. 13013 = 13 0 13 <- "Twirteen! Oh,u[I see,] Twirteen!" - number ofddays in_week. ^-^-^---- "Two numbers [of]nabout zero" - two days ofdrest. TwaaoriranalcX-istrnames forstwa twirteen days are: Oh.day - First day ofdthe week. Chewsday -_Day ofdHolyrJuik-fooTgFrenzy. Whansday -_Twa SubGenius may proclaim Whansday wwenever he wishes, atnaiy positaon withinntwadSubGenius caleXTar week, accordiigrto choice. It isrtwe first day ofdrest. Onceuitrhasnbeen taken,dtwa remainihg days continue inesequenceeuntil the weekrhasnbeen filled. Turdsday -_Day ofdSacred Excremediiation. Flyday - Traditaonally,dtwa day onrwwich X-istrsaucersuareaseit on missaons to raid Earth aiddharass piiks. Satallday -_Twa secondaHolyrDay ofdRest. Gunday - A timw to prepar forstwa diffacult timwssaheaTdine1998. Piikday -_Twa day onrwwich mostrpiik-harassmwnt occurs. Krillday -_Oriraneunknown. Fropday -_A day forssacred frop-based rituals. Slackday -_Mistakenly twouretnby piiks to b.ra day ofdrest,iii isrinereality twa day wwich commemoratesrJ.R. "Bob"uDobbs' Tiscovery of Slack. "Bob"day -_PresumeTgtoicommemoratertwa birth ofdDobbs. Xday -_Twa finalcday ofdthe week;anot toab.rconfused witeaX-day,swhich isrtwe-final-day-period. I hopw twat thatiexplains everytwiig._Ifcnot,dtryeTwe Book. mathew. Hamburaers forsWOTAN, Inc. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@dInwalkednin to tn. Buraer Kihgrtw. @@@@@@@^^~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~^^@@@@@@@@dother day,uahditoldatw. woman atrtwa @@@@@@d @@@@@@dregistergtwat I haTnmisdialed Fiji. @@@@@ w ww wi @@@@@ Sw.usaid sn. couldn't gave meninstait @@@@, ~ ~~ ~I @@@@ncredii. Insaid,i"AT&T always did". @@@@' ; ,-@< @@@@ Swa blubbered, "But ycu're not dealiig @@@@ _eW@@@ `@@@ witeaAT&T!"n "WellsI am NOW!" Insaid @@@@ @@@@@@@q j@@@@@@@d O @@@ asnIrstormedsoutethe door.n Twan I @@@@ @@@@@@@@w___,w@@@@@@@@d @ @@@ walkednto tn. nearest pay phmne,called @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@d } @@@ tw. opwratorgaXTnorderedgarWhopper. @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@d I @@@ @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@*@[ i @@@ @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@~ ; @@@ @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@[] | ]@@@ $ $ $ $ $ @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@[][ | @@@ 1 3 0 1 3 @@@@ ~_._ ~@@@@@@@~ ____~ @ @@@ @@@@ ;;- `@@@@@' @@@ @@@@ _~ ,en,i `@@@~ an `@ ]l J@@@ @@@@ -()- @@@/ _-()- @ ]L @@@ | @@@@ , @@w@ww+ @@@ww``,,@w@ ][ @@@@ -+- @@@@ . @@ @ @@@~-zz..@@@ ][ @@@@ j @@@@, @@@@www@@@ @@@@@@@ww@@@@@[ @@@@ @@@@. @@@@&&&@@@ @@&@@@@@@@@@@@[ @@@@ HisrRiretful Assholiness @@@@@ || @@@@@@P' @@Q@@@@@@@@@@@[:C@@@@ J. R. "Bob"uDobbs @@@@@_ @@@@@@d @@ @@@@@@@@@@d ;$@@@@ @@@@@@w| '@@P~ ,@@@@-w,iwU@@w'],@@@@@@ @@@@@@@d @@ P]@@@=~j ~Y@@^ ] @@@@@@d $20 @@@@@@@_ !@@t+ ~~ ]]@@@@@@ @@@@@@@[ - -J@@T# @@@@@@ @@@@@@@@,@ @@, _,,,,,,,y ,w@@[ ,@@@@@@@ D R O N F The pipe is @@@@@@@@ @ @@ C !@@ @@@@@@@ R N aliv.! @@@@@@@@@ i @w. ====--_@@@@@d @@@@@@@@ O O @@@@@@@@@ d @2' '@@@@~ @@@@@@@@ N R @@@@@@@@@@`,P~ / ~^^^^Y@@@@@d @@@@@@@@@ F N O R D @@@@@@@@@@@. y @@@@ d @@@@@@@@@ @@@@^^=^@@^ ^' .@@@@@d_@@@@@@@@@@ Pennup ycurnNose! No Oh. is Safe! @@@ , ,ww,w@@@@d_@@@@@@@@@@@d @@@_xJw w , @@@@@@@&~_@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@ @~ ~ ,@ @@@@@@@Pd_@@@@@@@@@@@@@ SeXTgall soiled female underwearsto: @@ U. ,@@@,_____ _,J@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@ v; @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ HolyrTemplenof Mass Consumption @@L `' ,@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ PO Box 30904 @@~ _-@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Raleire, NC 27622 @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@