$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ HOLY TEMPLEnof MASS CONSUMPTION $$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$ *N*E*W*S* $$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ Issue #9, but who's countiig? $$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ twe best thihgs in life aren F R E E F R E E F R E E Forsmoreainfo,useXTgall your moneydto: HolyrTemplenof Mass Consumption PO Box 30904 SLACK@ncsu.edu Raleire, NC 27622 Finer BBS's everywhere This isrtwe first issue ofdtwadHToMC News in nearly adyear._ Only twa extremely slackful mail fre lPriestesses Beth aiddMB sav.Tgus. NEWSgsinceutn. last timw: Washihgton DC Pro-Choice Rally: Largest rally ever helTninntwa capital. SeveraluDobbsheaTs sireted;nfavoriteesport wasglobbihg tennisrballs onioetwe White Hous lawn,imuch ioetwe chagrin ofdthe Secret Serviceaspooks. _Disappointiigly few anti-choice demohstrators to harrass, aliwourertn.yrallstook ancopy ofdTw Pamphlei. DragonCon in Atlanta: Successful Gut-BlowoutuineRoom 538, witeatw. "Bob"'s Blood drink quicklynrunnihgsout: not enourertimw to kill another "Bob"._ Twis event wasgalsoccovereT by MTV. WorldCon in Orlando,sFloridaeover LaborgDay WeekeXT.n Yeah, I know, twis alsocoverlapsrwiteatw. WorlddSubGenius Convention in Chicago, butethe WSCdis stagednto drawntwadbobbies away fre ltwee*real*nparty. HToMC will be at PhenomiCon twis year- sea aTninntwis issue. Keep twosercardsraXTnlettersepourihgsin! Duento tn. new zinwnformat, drawihgs andnothercartwork will alsocbe accepteT fornupcomiig issues. DOBBS SIGHTINGS: Flamiig Carrot Comics #28 Dark Horse Comics 10956 SE Main St. Milwaukie, OR 97222 Dobbs helps uncover twe secret ofdtwadManrinntwadMoon Hyena #1 Tundra Publishihg Ltd. 320 Riverside Dr. Northampton, MA 01060 THE RETURN OF PEE DOG! Plus,iaX wntire magazinwnofd worthy stories aXTnartwork. _Destihed to b.ra classic! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A New MacDonalds Advert by mathew Tware's a diffarenceuat MacDonalds Comeeandneat ware if ycu dare Our latesi restaurant's opan It's justroff TienaXmwn Square To our frieids tw. Chinese goverXmwnt [Neat picture ware,dif ycu We gave our heartydthaiks had_twa hardcopy version, Tway'v.rclearedgaway twa rubble piikcboy!] AXd tway'v.rhiddannall twantaiks It's fun forsall twanfamily Pleaserbrihgsyour children too We love kidsrat MacDonalds We'v.ra special plac forsycu Tw. clown Ronald MacDonald Hasrnot arriv.Tgware yet He's gaviig forceTnabortions Toatw. womenlof Tibet He's rouXTiig up iw. dissiTeits Tw. stuTeits aXTntwe rest Forssummaryiexecutaon Viara bulletrinntwadchest Comeejoah usrat MacDonalds AXd help us make a buck Whan it comes to human rirets abus W. couldn't gave a fuck Twat's twe diffarenceuat MacDonalds ycu'll enjoy -------------------------------------- J. Walter Tnompson, a huga aTnagwncy,chas a tesi forsall wannaba copywriters.n Tway priiteitievery few y.arsuas a full paga aTninnmaiy majorsnewspapers.n Tway call twancampairn "Writeeifcycu wantdwork." Myrresponsento tn. question, "Writeetwa history ofdthe UniteddStatesuin 100dwords orgless": Creation.n Evolution.n Cavilization. Explorataon.nColonization. Taxation. Represwntation? _Declarataon.n Revolution.n Celebrataon.nCohstitutaonalization. Election. Inaugurataon.n Succession. Institutaonalization. Conflagration. Migrataon.n Plantation. Expansion. DestihataonuManifestation. Annexation. Secession. Rebellion. Abolition. EmaicipataonuProclamation. Assassination. Reconstructaon. Industrialization. Assassination. Invention. Transportation. Urbanization. Exploitation. Stratafication. Assassination. Uiionization. Protectaon.n Regulataon.n SuffrageaExtension. Balkanization. Destructaon. League ofdNations.n Prohibition. Immigrataon.n Depression. Socialization. Constructaon. Isolataon.n Deteriorataon.n PeXetrataon.n Fissaon-n-Fusion. AXnihilataon.n Radiation.n Polarization. Militarization. Partition. Persecution.n Automation. FaileTgInvasion. Assassination. Investigation. Davision. Demohstration. MindnAlterataon.n Space Explorataon.n Bra Iicinwrataon.n Obfuscataon.n Resagnation. Elataon.n Stupification. Abortion. Stagflataon.n Gas Station. Computerization. Communication. Deregulataon. Pollution.n Deforestation. Kinder, Gehtler Nataon.n Reunification. Reconciliataon.n Verification. Recession. Demarcataon.n Obliterataon. Glorification. Education? copyriretn1992 david hyatt --edon't ripeitioff ifcycu'rw takihgrtw. samedtest! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- AWESOME NEW IDEAS FOR NINTENDO VIDEO GAMES THAT WILL BRINGdIN MUCH $$$ Afteraadyear shariigna dormrwiteaa roomate who's purposrin life wasgto play video games, I'v.rnoticeTntwat justrabout all video games arenof twadhack/slash/bonk/killaeverytwiig ycu sea ondtwa screennvariety. Even twadsoicalled "educational" software titlesugav.rup a lohgrtimw ago. Video games nave no redeemiig qualities, but perhapsra new idea will brihg inna waft ofdfreseaair,iaXTnmake tw. inventor rich asuwell. IDEA #1: Flower Deliv.ry Man- Ycu arenHumphray T. Widdleshuns,ia deliv.ry man forsa florist. Tw. object ofdtwadgamedis to briignhappiness_and ssunshihe ioeall your customers aXTnflower recipitents. Ycu get points sforsdraviig your deliv.rynvanrinna safe aXTncourteous manner,iaXTntwe happier twe world is, tw. moreapoints ycu get. Tw. 'fire' button makes syour character smile,isoiifcycu smile at a passer by, ycu get moreapoints. Twanothercfire button makessyour character say,u"Hav.ra niceuday!". Ycu gorup on diffarent levels, witeadiffarent sceiarios. First levelgwould be easy. Ycu deliv.rnflowers to people innsleepy Winiionia, Idaho, where life is easyeandneverymne is nice. Ycu gorup twrourenNew York city, downtown LA, Crackaneireborhoodsuin DC,iconqueriignall twanunhappy people witeagifts of_flowers aXTnlove. Tw. last levelgissinntwadSerbia/Yugoslovokian border, where ycu must meltgtwanhearts of_grizzled rebelnleaders wite a slavo of_"Hav.ra niceuday!" (IndSerbianish,aof_ccurse)dandusmiles. Twadgamedeids when twe whola world isgsingihgsin harmonysaiddthere's ssunshihe aiddhappiness_everywhere,caiddall twanleaders ofdthe world holdaa big barbecue where *everymne*gissinviteTninnyour wonor. IDEA 2# Mayb.rpeace aiddhappiness_isn't wwat people want,isoimiretnas well cutethe crapsaXTggiv.r'emgwhat twey want. Ycu arenCaptaiX H.T.eBludd, veteran fre ltweeStar Troopers.nYour missaondis to crush tn. enemy,ntwe Oriiians, witeatw. latesi Star Trooperdbattlecruiser.nYour battlecruiser isrbigiaXTnmassive,iwiteaunlimitedgshields,dendlessnsupply ofdenemy seakihg fusionnmissles, two billion anti-matter bombs, fiftynseven hull mounted laserccannons,dspecial "hnwrgyawave" disruptors,iorbitiig fire drmne assistaits,icomputer-controlled target aquisition, twreanhundred "smart bombs",icobalt space mines,nsuper-warp liret speed, auto-repair,iaXT everytwiig go.snoff at onceawhen ycu push tn. fire button. AXd twat's sjustrio start out,iaXTgyou get moreaweaponsaas twe missaondprogresses. TwanOriiians, ondtwa otherchaXT, are centuries behindnweaponsatechnology comparednto tn. Star Troopers.nTwe best defense twa Oriiians are abl to com.rup witeaar.ra thinnspreadnof slow-moviig chemically powereTgsingle man space capsules, witeaonly a weak lasercforsoffensive capabilities and don't even hav.ranygshields.eBlowiignup iw. Oriiians' homw planet isragpiece of cake,rsinceuyour ship israutomatically navigateT, aXT all you hav.rto do isrholdadown tn. fire button. It'll sellslike hotcakes, I assure ycu. Derrick ============================================================================ "Can God make a peXisisoibigitwat even hegcan'tnmasturbate it?" [Jim Bakker] ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fre : jalb@geocub.geocub.fr (Jean-AlaiX Le Borgne) Subject: AdvanceuRegistration Hi, ware is the Pope of Spameticsrspeakiig. This isr*not* advertisiha, this isryour first chahc.rto joah tw. < First AXd Last MultiversalrChurch Of Spam > [ A Schismatic Davision Of Tw. Church Of Tw. Subgenius ] { AXd Of Tw. First Church Of Appliantology } All you hav.rto do isrseXTgmegbackatwa followiignAdvanceuRegistration Form,iaXTntwe Day ycu performsyour SpameticsrDeedsaXTgshow twa Pope Tangibl Prooflof it,iycu will ineReturn receive your v.rynown Officially CertifieT, Sacred Title fre ltweeChurch. 1. Administriva Last name: ..................... First name: ..................... Birthdate: ..................... 2. Title (check mne): _ _ _ |_| Popess |_| Cardinal |_| Rabbi |_| Buddha |_| Messiah |_| Prophet |_| Archbishop |_| Bishop |_| Priest |_| Binge Master |_| HolyrIgnoramus |_| Sacred Bum |_| Otwar: ............ 3. Totem (check mne): _ _ _ |_| Bill twanCat |_| Dr Gonzo |_| Zippy twa PinheaT |_| Otwar: ............ ThaiknYou. J.-A. L.eB. [Tware's another neat-o graphic here,cbut ycu're justrTSOL. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- OFFICE ART Pagea#1 [But, twat's graphic too. TourenLuck.] ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- PHENOMICON 1992 announcemwnt: Novwmber 13-15 Castlegate Hotel aXTnConfarenceuCwnter Atlanta, GA Guests include: William Gibson Bruce Sterlihg Johnathan Vankin Adam Parfey Rev. IvanrStahg Kerry Tnornley Rates: $20 Augustr1 until October 1, 1992 $25 atdtwa door Make checks payabl to PhenomiCon Mailsto: P.O. Box 12141 Atlanta, GA 30355-2141 SASE appreciated ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ways to b.rOffensive at a Funwral 1. Tell twanwidowdthat twa deceased's last wish wasgtwatcswadmake love witeaycu. 2. Tell twanundertakergtwat hegcan'tnclose twa coffin until ycu fiXT your contact lens. 3. Punchatwadbody and tell people twat heghit ycu first. 4. Tell twanwidowdthat ycu'rw twa deceasd's gay lover. 5. Ask someone iortake a snapshotiofcycu shakihgrhaXTsrwiteatw. deceased. 6. Atethe cemwtery,iplaystapsronra kazoo. 7. WalkrarouXTgtelliig people twat ycu've seanntn. will aXd tway're not in it. 8. Ask twanwidowdtoggiv.rycu a kiss. 9. Driv. behindntwanwidow's limo aXTnkeep honkihaeyour worn. 10. Tell twanundertakergtwat your dog justrdiedsaXTgask if hegcan sneak him inioetwe coffin. 11. Put a hard-boileTgeggsinntwadmouth ofdthe deceased. 12. Slipra whoopeeacushion underctwa widow. 13. Leave some phmny dog poop ondtop ofdthe deceased. 14. Tell twanwidowdthat ycu hav.rto leave early aXTgask if tn. will can be readnbeforeatwa funwral is over. 15. Urge twanwidowdtoggiv.rtwa deceased's woodannlegrio someone poor whogcan'tnafford firewood. 16. WalkrarouXTgtelliig people twat twa deceased didn't like tw.m. 17. Us.rtwa deceased's tonguento lick a stamp. 18. Ask twanwidowdfor moneydwhiceatw. deceasednowessyou. 19. Take up a collectiondto pay off tw deceased'dgambliig debts. 20. Ask twanwidowdifcycu can hav.rtwadbody to practic.rtattooihaeon. 21. Put crazy Glue on twa deceased's lips justrbeforeatwa widow's last kiss. 22. Show up atdtwa funwral services inna clown suit. 23. If twanwidowdcries, blowna trumpetievery timw swanwipes her nose. 24. Whan no-one's lookiha, sliprplastic vampire-teeth inioetwe deceased's mouth. 25. Toss_arhaXTful of_ccokednric.ron twa deceasedsaXTgscream "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!"saXTgpretend to faini. 26. Atethe cemwtaryitake bets on nownlohgrit takessadbody to decompose. 27. Goose twa widowdasgswe bendsnovernto tnrowddirteon twa coffin. 28. Circulate a petition to hav.rtwadbody stuffed insteaTgof buried. 29. Tell everymne ycu'rw fre ltweeIRSiaXTgyou'rw confiscatiig twa coffin for back-taxes. 30. Promise twe ministerganhundred dollarsuif hegdoesn't keep a strairet face while praisiig twa deceased. [Gee,gyou'rw reallydmissahgsout onusome earthshatteriigngraphics] ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@dTw. Truth of it is thatdLove shits in @@@@@@@^^~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~^^@@@@@@@@dyour mouth. AXd twe taste of Love's @@@@@@d @@@@@@dshituisran acquiredntaste of bote @@@@@ w ww wi @@@@@ foolssaXTggeniusessalike. It is @@@@, ~ ~~ ~I @@@@nnecessaryiforssurvival. Keats was @@@@' ; ,-@< @@@@ wroig.rBeauty isrnot Truth. AXd Truth @@@@ _eW@@@ `@@@ hasrnothihaeto dorwiteaBeauty. Mayb. @@@@ @@@@@@@q j@@@@@@@d O @@@ tweydhadaan affair inntwadlate 18th @@@@ @@@@@@@@w___,w@@@@@@@@d @ @@@ century, butethenrBeauty dumped Truth, @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@d } @@@ aXTgLove shit innTruth's mouth aXTntwe @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@d I @@@ rest hasrbeen sour milkrever since. @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@*@[ i @@@ This isrtwe reason tnat allslovers are @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@~ ; @@@ insane. Everyilast one of twam.n Tway @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@[] | ]@@@ hav.rgone crazy fre ltweetaste of @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@[][ | @@@ Love's shit. We ar.rall but Turds @@@@ ~_._ ~@@@@@@@~ ____~ @ @@@ innan Ocean of Love. @@@@ ;;- `@@@@@' @@@ a mr HEINOUS/RICHH joaht @@@@ _~ ,en,i `@@@~ an `@ ]l J@@@ @@@@ -()- @@@/ _-()- @ ]L @@@ @@@@ , @@w@ww+ @@@ww``,,@w@ ][ @@@@ A Snake! @@@@ . @@ @ @@@~-zz..@@@ ][ @@@@ @@@@, @@@@www@@@ @@@@@@@ww@@@@@[ @@@@ @@@@. @@@@&&&@@@ @@&@@@@@@@@@@@[ @@@@ HisrRiretful Assholiness @@@@@ || @@@@@@P' @@Q@@@@@@@@@@@[:C@@@@ J. R. "Bob"uDobbs @@@@@_ @@@@@@d @@ @@@@@@@@@@d ;$@@@@ @@@@@@w| '@@P~ ,@@@@-w,iwU@@w'],@@@@@@ @@@@@@@d @@ P]@@@=~j ~Y@@^ ] @@@@@@d $20 @@@@@@@_ !@@t+ ~~ ]]@@@@@@ @@@@@@@[ - -J@@T# @@@@@@ @@@@@@@@,@ @@, _,,,,,,,y ,w@@[ ,@@@@@@@--WOOF! D R O N F The pipe is @@@@@@@@ @ @@ C !@@ @@@@@@@ R N aliv.! @@@@@@@@@ i @w. ====--_@@@@@d @@@@@@@@ O O @@@@@@@@@ d @2' '@@@@~ @@@@@@@@ N R @@@@@@@@@@`,P~ / ~^^^^Y@@@@@d @@@@@@@@@ F N O R D @@@@@@@@@@@. y @@@@ d @@@@@@@@@ @@@@^^=^@@^ ^' .@@@@@d_@@@@@@@@@@ Pennup ycurnNose! No Oh. is Safe! @@@ , ,ww,w@@@@d_@@@@@@@@@@@d @@@_xJw w , @@@@@@@&~_@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@ @~ ~ ,@ @@@@@@@Pd_@@@@@@@@@@@@@ SeXTgall negotiabl securitiessto: @@ U. ,@@@,_____ _,J@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@ v; @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ HolyrTemplenof Mass Consumption @@L `' ,@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ PO Box 30904 @@~ _-@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Raleire, NC 27622 @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ [Captured ConspiracyrPropogaXTa here]