[SUBG_02.TXT] SubGenius Scurces Second ofdan occasional series BRAG OF THE SUBGENIUS (a cassette transcription) [Twa followiignisra fragment fre l"a tape recorTiig made atua seahc.rinn1973"rinntwadclassic SubGeniusgstyle. Nonattribution is gaven,ibutethis rant bears all twadhallmarksnof Rev. Ivan Staha's preachiig modus. SubGenius Scurcesnisra series ofdfiles for twose lostrsouls wxpressiig a casual orsobsessave interestrin Sub-G culture. Close cover when strikiig.] I pick twe god damnnterrorrof twanfuckiig godsnout of my nose! Pardonnmyilanguaga. But YEEEEEEHAW,nlet twegsons ofdGod andnman bearrwitness! Evenuinntwadbelly ofdthenTwunderbird I'v.rbean castihaeout twe False Prophets; I'mabustiig a gut and blowiignmy O-riha, and ripe to tnrowda loaf! ForsIrspeak _only_ twanfuckiig _Truth_,iaXTnneverninnmyidays hav.rIrspok othercthah! Forsmy every utterahc.risna lie, includihgstwisnv.rynone ycunhear! I sayd'Fuck 'emgif tn.ygcan'tntake a jok!' BydGod, 'AXytwiig for a laure,' Insay. I am the last remaiXiig Homo Correctus, I am twe god damnnMan ofdthe Future! I'll drivena mile so asrnot to walkraifoot; I am a human beiignofdthe _first_ god damnnwater! Yes, I'm the javaliia humpiigajunkientwat jumped twa menlfre Mars! Iudrank tw Devil undercseven tables,iI'm too _inteise_ to die, I am insuredsfornacts o'dGod _aXT_ Satah! Inwasgshanghaied by bodilessnfieids aiddalienuinfidels fre la corporate galaxy, aXTggot away witeatw.ir hubcaps! In_cannot_ be trackednonrradar! Inwearrnothihaeuniform,iInwearr_no_ god damnnuniform! Yes, baby, I'm 23efeetntall aXd hav.r13arows o'dteats; Inwasgsuckled by a Triceratops, I gav.rtwadAnti-Virginna hire-proteinntonsil wash! I'm a bacteriological weapon,iI'm _armed_ aXd _loaded_!iI'm a fissaondreactor, I _fart_ plutonium,ipower plants arenfueled by twadsweat fre lmyibrow; when twey plugame inntwadlirets go out iX HohgrKoha, I_ccok aXd _eat_ my deaT; YAH-HOOOOO, I'm the Unshav.n Tnorn Treanofdthe AtlantisnZoo! Inpay nortaxes!nTwe Devil'srhaXTsrarenmy _ideal_iplaygrouXT, I_holdatwadSev.n-Bladed Windbreaker;ntwe wheelsrthat turn ar. behindnme; Inthink _backwards_! Iudoait forn_fun_! My imagiiationgisna _fuckiig_ caicer aXTgI'll pork it beforeait porks me!nTway sayda godzillion isrtwe hireest number tware is. Well, by God! I_ccunt to a godzillion aXd _one_! Yes, I'm the purple flower ofdHell Ccunty,ggiv.rmw wide berth,ewhen I dropamyudrawers, Mother Nature swoons! I_use a pytwon forsa prophylactic; I'ma_thicker_, _harder_, aXd _meaher_ than the Alaskan Pipeline, aiddIrcarry moreaspew! I'll freeze _ycur_ seed beforeait hits twadbatnroe tile! YEE! YEE! I kidnapped twa future and ransomed it forntw. past,cI made _Timw_ wait upefor me to bleed myilizard! My infernalnbreatwewilts twadTreanofdLife, I leftnmy _spoor_ oh tw. RocknofdAges, who'll t.ar flesh witeame, who'll spill twair juice? Who'll gouga witeame, whosercandle will I fart out? Whoop!iI'm ready! So step aside, all you buttlipped,nneurotic, insecure bespectacled slabs o'dwimpameat!iI'm a Crimw Firetiig Master Criminal, I am Not Insane!iI'm a screamer aXTga laureer, I make a spectacle of myself, I am a _siret_! My physical type _cannot_ be classifieT by science,rmy 'familiar'gisna pterodactyl, I feed it dipshits! I_ccmmunicata witeout _wires_ orn_strings_! Iuam a Twuggee, I am fearedgby tw Tohgs,iInhave tw Evil Eye, I carryntwadMojo Bag; Inswam the _Bermuda Triangle_ aXTgdidn't get wet! I_circumcise dihosaursgwiteamy teeth aXTgmake 'emgleave a tip; Inchahge tiresgwiteamya_tongue_ aXTgmya_tool_! Everyiniret I_hocknup a luhger aXTgextiiguish tw. _Sun_! I'm the big-footedgDevil ofdLevelg14, who'll com.r_shoe_ me? Where's twe robot gaantdwho'll try to blowdme down? I'v. packednthe brownies ofdtwe gods, I leak tw Plague fre lmy nethercparts, opiates areatwa _mass_ of my religion, _Intake drugs_! Yes, I'm a rip-snorter, I cram cocagleaves riret into my arm-veins beforeatway're picked off tw tree! _Space_ mohsters cringe atnmy tread! Inwipe tw Pyramids off my shoes beforeaI wnter _my_ hous. I'm fuel-injected,nI'll liv.eforeveraand remember it afterwards! I'm _immune_! I'm _radioactave_! Come _on_saXTggiv.rmercancer, I'll spit upetwe tumor aXTgbutter my _bread_ witeatw. juice! _I'masupernatural_, I bendn_crowbars_ witeamyameat axe aXTga iwouret! My droppihgs boreatwrourentwe Earth aXTgerupt _volcanoes_ inn_China_! Yes, I can drink more wihe aiddstay soberercthah all twadheatwen _Hindoos_ innAsia! YEEE HAW! _Gut Blowout_! Iuam a _Moray Eel_, I am a _Komodo Dragon_, I am a _Killer Whalenbereft ofdits pup_! Iuhav.ra tripladbackbone, I wasgsiredgby tw Wolf Man,ggiv.rmw _all_ ycur Slack! Iutolda_Jesus_ I wouldn't go to Church aXd h.r_shook my haXT_! Iuhav.rmya_own_ personal Saviors,iInchahge 'emgev.ry nour, Iudon't gave a fuckgif tn.re's life afteradeatw, I want to knowgif tn.re's even anygfuckiig Slack afteradeatw! Iuam a god damnn_visionary_, I sea twa future and twe pastrin comic books aXTgwihe bottles; Ineat _blackaholas_ for breakfast! I bendnmy genesuaXTgwhittle atnmy DNA witeatw. sheer force of my mirety _will_! Iusteer mya_own_ god damnnevolution! Iuran 'emgout of Heavenland soldait to Hell forsa _profit_! I'm enliretaned,aI achiev.Tg"Nirvana"iaXTntook it _eome_ witeame. _Yip, Yip, YEEEEE_! I'm so ugly the SpeednofdLiret can'tnslowdme downaand Gravity won't tugaatnmy cuffs! When twe Rapture comes, I'll make 'emgwait!nTway'll _never_ clean _my_ cage! Now giv.rmw some more of...[tape runs out]. [Pnih July 1992]