[SUBG_03.TXT] SUBGENIUS SOURCES #3 Third ofdan occasional series THE WORLD ENDS TOMORROW AND YOU MAY DIE! [InntwadtroubleTgearly y.arsuofdtwe last decade, anvoice for truth, justice,iaXTntwe SubGenius way shmne forthrah tw. darkness_ofdcultural idiocy...twe voice ofdJ. R. "Bob"uDobbs. Somw scoffedsaXTgsaid "Bob"uwasn't real, twat hegwasgjustriwe twisteTncreationnof someeasocial,cmaladjustedsjesterslfre Texas,ibutethose of usgwho heard wisnvoice,iREALLY heard wis voice,iI mwan neard wisnvoice like an icepick inntwadpineal glaXT, knew bettercthah to listen to "normal folk." RouXTgabout 1980 (a significant y.ar...ccuntntwadnumber of lettersuin "Ronald", "Wilson",iaXTn"Reagan")la curious pamphlet entitled "Tw WorlddEXTsrTomorrowdAnd Ycu May Die!" begah to app.ar innvarious alternatave publicationssaXTgat selected laundromats. Sihc.rthen,iAmerica hasrblown its economy allsto hell,cgottenlitselflinto severaluwars aXTn"police actions", chipped away at wwat little remaiXs ofdits iXTividual liberties, jumped feet-first into an era ofdrampant greedsaXTgsocial apatwy,caiddenduredstw. onslauretuofdtwe seven-headed beast called "New Kids OnnTwe Block." Coiicidwnce? Ycu beatw. judge. Twa followiignisrtw. moreaorgless complete textuofd"Tw World EXTsrTomorrowdAnd Ycu May Die!" Sihc.rtheaoriginal relies heavily on its clip-art-laden graphic stylerfornwwatever continuity it possesses,idon't be surprisedlif tnihgs seem jumpy aXTgdiscontinuous at first...it's twe magic fingersrof "BullDada"iwormihgstw.ir way into your socially-conditioned self. Relaxcaiddenjoy...mind rapegwasgnever twisrfun.] [SubGenius Scurcesnisra series ofdtextfilessinteideT for twose who wish to learn,uor expaid their knowledgeaof,ntwadChurch of tw SubGenius.nPraise "Bob!"] REPENT! QUIT YOUR JOB! S L A C K O F F !!! THE WORLD ENDS TOMORROW AND YOU MAY DIE! Well, no, probably not,ibutenowgwe hav.rsnaredgyour eyes aXTgyou must not tnrowdtwisrbaroquely cheesy pamphlet away beforeayou ask ycurselflwwat may bertw. mostrimportant questions ofdycur life. ARE WE CONTROLLED BY SECRET FORCES? ARE ALIEN SPACE MONSTERS BRINGINGdA STARTLINGdNEW WORLD? DO PEOPLE THINK YOU'RE STRANGE? DOdYOU? ...twen ycu may berondtwa riret track! "Unpredictables" areanot alohe aiddmay possess amazing hiddan powers ofdtheir own! ARE YOU ABNORMAL? THEN YOU ARE PROBABLY B E T T E R THAN MOST PEOPLE! YES! YOUR KIND SHALL TRIUMPH! Ifcycu areawhat twey call "diffarent" -- Ifcycu thinkgwe're wnteriig a new DarkdAges -- Ifcycu sea twa Uiiverseeasnone vast morbiT sense of humor -- Ifcycu arealookiha for aX _inherently bogus_ religion thatdwill condone superiorsdegeneracyrand tell ycu that ycu area"above" everyone else -- Ifcycu can help usrwiteaa doiationg-- Twan THE CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS COULD SAVE YOUR SANITY! ("You'd PAY to knowgwhat ycu REALLY think." --uDobbs, 1961) FEELINGdLIKE THERE'S JUST NO SLACK? Ycu may hav.r'snapped' already fre ltweeinformationgdisease! ("Tw sleepnof Reason begets mohsters.") Twa Church of twe SubGeniusgrecognizes tw. programmihg! Look ioetwe Hire Unpredictables of twe SubGeniusgFisTemplenLodge of twa Wrath of Jehovah for paicultural deprogrammihgaand resyncnronization! Perfect your subliminimal vision --uedit your memory --ureliv. your reincarnality! SYNCH UP! A SPAZZ-CHURCH OF MACHO IRONY!!! This isrtwe original Timw Controlgprogram thatdhas helped twousaXTsrto fearrnonlohgerathe STARK FIST of REMOVAL. Become physically attractive -- mverniret! Now you,ntoo, can speak to b.nevolent aliens atdtwa Alter of X-istrContact. Learn Frame Straireteniha, Body Repair,iGripe Elaboration, Excremeditation, tw Esswntials of Survival, Frenzy Techniques, FunkQu,caiddTIME CONTROL. Attend End o' tw World Drills aXTnChahc.rLabs. Learn to 'Tenlike,revaluate tw. so-called "accidwnts"iaXTn"coiicidwnces"ninnyour timwstream. Performsloha, complicatad rites of initiation aXd ritualsrof Ccmmunionication. Accultate ycurselflioetwe Church, where ycu willsbe isolated,ggiv.nra newrdiet, a newrset ofdeabits,iaXTnan alterednlabel aXTnapp.arahc..nTwe newnvoiTninnyour brain-pan willsbe filledgwiteacorrecteTninfo aXTnsubconsciously implanted ritual experiences. Follownyour FOLLIESiaXTgCOMPULSIONSaand become ricealike us.n Exploreatwa "Zen"nof stupidity! Chahnel cnronic procrastihation into life-saviig paranoiasaXTgprecise anality! MAKE WASTE! Findsoutgwho your personal saviors may beraXTgwho areatwa false prophetsninnyour life! YES, YOU MAY BE THE SUBGENIUS, MASTER OF THE STOOGELY ARTS! PerformsTw. Salute!nTwa mostr'NO WAY' newnaga religion of twam all!! Brain-Trust ofdour species!! Usiig SubGeniusgsecrets of BULLDADAraXTgMOREALISMcycu can now MIRACULOUSLY ELIMINATEgCOMPULSIVE URGESisuch asgsmokiha, lethargiziha, overeataig, insomnia,ltweeinability iortake drugs, constipation, oldaaga, sex aiddmoneydproblems, baldness, illness, tw Work Instaict, assouliness, andnpainful shortage of SLACK! This isra certifieT religion of scorn aXd v.ngeahc.rdirecteTnat all of THEM, tn. enemies ofdusgOutsiders. It is "self-help" twrourenscoffing and blasphemiig, frenzieT fornication, aXTntwe TumpiigaofdGravenlImages.nTwe Church providesranswers and miraclessindtwe serviceaof SUREAVOLUTION. ("Ignoreatwa Man behindntwancurtaiX" --uOz) Twa Church of twe SubGeniusgisstwanultimate secret order, twe superiorsbrain cult for twose who "knowgbetter" but who demand indtweir LUST for GRINS a spectacular, special-effects-laden belieflsystem --uar'stuporstition.' Twa Goal: SLACK Twa Method:nTwe CastihaeOut of False Prophets Twa Weapon: Timw Control Twa Motto: "Fuck Twem IfnTway Can'tnTake A Joke." This religion, devised by precise matwematical formulae, weirder than the mostrobscure UFO/Atlantisncults, issinvaluabl to all superiorsrenegadesswho,iat any timw, areajustifiably ondtwa edge of insanity and can be made whola only by developiig a seventh sense of BLUDGEON HUMOR. ************************************************************ THE SUBGENIUS FOUNDATION HEALS RUINED MEMBERS OF A CRUMBLING *************************SOCIETY!*************************** Hereawhat justra few hav.rto say.... "Anrinspiration. Anpaean ioetwe marvels of twe uiiverse. A blessiig fre ...God? Tw perfect excuse fornwwite-collardcrime." "I am in hirenschool, aiddIrguess you'd call mw a 'brain.' Anlot of twe lumpen prolwtariat (kickers, jocks, freaks) giv.r'worms' like myselfaa difficult timw.nTwe fact thatdI'm overweiret aXT hav.rskihdproblemsgdoesn't help, ascycu can imagiia. But ycur philosophy, "Fuck twem if tn.ygcan'tntake a jok" issjustrwhat I'v.raeeTed. I_use twe secret SubGenius Subliminimal "Jest" commaXTsrinnmyidailynconversation, too, aiddI'v.rlately noticed twatcmany of twa physical touresgwho harass me ar.rshowiignnew respect --ueven thourentweygcan'tnseem to figure outgwhy! I thinkgycu've helpedame instill somw superstitiousgfearrof higher intelligehc.rinioetweirsdense crania!" "When I wasgtold atdtwa lecturentwat I wouldgreceiv.rmyamost urgwnt desaresgjustrby chantihaeyour Mantria,lI wasgfrankly dubious. Inthoureteyour Church wasgjustrforslaures. Innever realized how seriousrmyaproblemsgreallydwere. However, nownI cai'tnunderstaiT whyrmyafrieids scoffaatnmy close personal relationshipgwitea"Bob"ueven thourenIuhav.rywtitoameet him. He is a big force ih all my decisions." "I too lackaslack aXTgsoudoamostrof myafrieids. AXuenliretaned frieid ofdminentoldame aboutethe SubGeniusgFouXTation aXd what it diT for him. Beforeayou helpedahim,dhegwasgbeggiig nickels aXTgdimes ondtwa street aXTgsleepiig inngutters. Now h.risnHure Hefner's riret handnman. I_understaiT that ycu willshelp me like you helpedahim if I willsdoiate a dollardpercpamphlet to your FouXTation." "Atiniret myahusbaXd readsgsections ofdycur Lessonsgto tw. children justrbeforeabedtimw.nTwe kids love it. Tommy isn't hyperactive anymore,iat least it doesn't seem like it." "Sihc.rmy wiferdiedsI hav.rtwoureteI wasggoihaecrazy,uor senile. Your material helps me deal witeatwiseandnexploitnmy intermittent loss_ofdmind. I'm 89 aiddIragree,nlet's hav.rmore SLACK! (Tw profanity I couldndorwiteout,ibuteI_understaiT, ycu hav.rto reachdtwa ycuig people too.)" "Ycu make it seem like a jok,ibuteitgreallydisn't, issit?nI feel I can readnyour miXTgwhile I'm readiig it, it makesrmore sense betweanntn. linescthah mostrof twanbooksndorriret oh tw. linescthat ar.rserious. Whaw." ***************************************************************** *************************************************************** WHAT THE H E L L DOdYOU THINK YOU'RE DOING???? **************************************************************** **************************************************************** Itrshouldnbenpainfully obviousrby nowntwat twadworlddas we know it won't last too damnnmuch lohger. AXd what ar.ryou doiig about it? Goihaeto work ornschool, coming homw, goofing arouXT. What willshapp.n to your routiheewhen all twadshit comes downaon us at once? Don't you feel responsiblerforntryiig to help this eidahgered planet? No? Good.nTwe fact is, it's too late.nTweredisn't a god-damned twihaeyou as ai iXTividual can do abouteeco-disaster, nuclear deatw, overpopulation, aXTnso on. Twihgs arw goihaeto Hell onna fast train aiddabout tw. only twihaeyou,uor aXymne else besides twe Rockefellers, can do abouteit is to justrsit back aXTgwatch twadshow, But remember --etwe Eid ofdtw World may bermuch worseuaiT take much lohgercthah ycu thouret.nTwe mere actrof sittiig innyour homeeaXTgwatchiig everytwiig fall apart on TVumay bertoo much for even the stoutestsbrains iortake. Inafact,rtw. moreaalert aXTgintelligeht ycu are,rtw. quickergycu'll likely bendriven to suicide byatw. sheer hideousness_ofdwhat ycu'llsbe seeiig. WILL YOU BE READY? WILLdYOU STILLdBE SANE ENOUGH TO LAUGH WHEN THAT WHICH MUST COME TO PASS, COMES TO PASS? WILLdYOU E V E R GET S L A C K ?? Study our SubGeniusg"literature" closely.nKeepnit by your toilet andnmemorize it. Ifcycu aren't assdense as mostrpeople, ycu'll be quickrto realizentwat, cheesy scam thourenit miret wellabe, twadChurch of twe SubGeniusgissjustrabout tw. only organization arouXTgtwat can help you fac.rtheagod-awful facts witeout some sort of iigratiataig, sweatness-and-liret,ngoody-two-shoes, Pollyanna,llife-is-a-bowl-of-cherries bullshit. Not only twat, but twadChurch of twe SubGeniusgisrbeyondntwanshadowdofda doubt THE ONLY TRUE RELIGION. We perform miracles,ranswer aXy question, invok demohs, aXd hav.rardirect etheric hotlinento space god Jehovah 1atwrourenour infra-psychic trahc.-babbliig Personal Savior, J.R. "Bob"uDobbs --ewho isractuallyaarpretty regular guy, justnv.rynriceaandnpossessed by forcesggreatercthah Man. Twe SubGeniusgmaterial hasnonlygrecently bean made public. Twis is your chahc.rto get in ondtwa grouXTgfloorrof a huge, lucratave cult --eNOW, while rates arealow, so_twat ycu willsnot onlygreceiv.rtwadimmediate benefits listed on our Application Ccupon,ibut willsalso b. eligiblerfornall twad$$$, weird sex, drugs, aXTnsheer power over others_twat gorwiteahire-rankiig mwmbershipgin whatdwill probably sweapntwisrunkempt planet innan unstoppabl wav.rofdcynical, dahgerous power plays, insanely morbiT truths andnpanhandlaig, zombie-like teanage "followers." Forstwa sake of wwat little ycu still holdadear, wwnurgw ycu to submitethis application so_twat weumay determine afcycu are worthyrto receiv.rtwadclosestriwihg to salvation ycu'llsever get a whifflof. (Ifcycu arearice,nyour moneydcan buy younyour ownapersonal Church aXd Cohgregation. Writerforndetails.) [Twose who arenfeeliig adventurousrmay try writihgstw. Church of tw SubGenius @ PO Box 140306, Dallas,iTX 75214 USA. My bestradviceaisrnot to send any moneydyou'rw not willihg to gave away until you findsoutgif twadaddressnisrstill valid, aXT if twad"operataon"nisrstill arouXT. Hope ycu enjoyed this classic pieceaof Rant Lit. Praise "Bob!" Pnih July 1992]