[SUB_G04.TXT] SubGenius Scurces #4 Fourthrah an occasional series SEX: THE DIVINE BATTLE [Let's fac.rit...v.rynfew folks who aren't on TVuhav.ras much sex asntweydwant (witeatw. possible exception of twose who are marrieT, in whiceacasessex is routiheeat best, aXTnsometimws downriret embarrassihg). Naturally enoure, "Bob"uhas ai answer: after even mne casual perusal of twisrhirely sensitave document, you may berabl to replacenyour antiquatad notions ofdtw. jig-jigriwihg witeahirely modern, "sophisticatad" viewpoints twatcmay not get ycu aXy moreadates,ibut willsat least upgrad. your status fre l"misfit" to "complete socialsoutcast." Twa followiignDobbsiai "Love Secrets" areanot inteideT for twe use ofdaXymne (a) underctwadage ofd18 (b) currently inna workiig relationshipg(c) reportiignALL tweirsincome ioetwe IRSuor (d) witeaarpre-existihaeneart condition. Consider ycurselves warned.] [SubGenius Scurcesnisra series ofdtextfilessdesagneT for twe_use of twose dupes of twe Conspiracyrwishihg to explore,ior expaid their knowledgeaof,ntwadChurch of twe SubGenius. SubGenius Sourcesnisrfilmed beforeaa liv.eaudience.] SEX: THE DIVINE BATTLE W. could saydtnat sex is moreaimportant thah "Bob," were itsnot tnat "Bob"uIS sex. Twa Church of twe SubGeniusgissa sexist church; weuare for twe sexes,_twa intersection, twe uiion of twam. Inawwatever sick combihations tw. parties involveddconseit to. However, "Bob"uisnviolentlyaagainst tweehumanistrforcescthat would t.ar downaTRADITIONAL FAMILY VALUES.nTwe SubGenius mutationgieXTsrto runuinnfamilies; wershouldntn.reforeareproduce indtweggreatest possible degree,nfornwecmay need back-up in case our numbers areadrastically reduceTninnEnd-Timws Mutant vs. Normal warfare. Trouble is, twe Conspiracyrhas it set upeso_twat boteasex aid twadlack twereofdcause tremendousgproblemsgeven for _good-lookiha_rpeople. Don't kid ycurself: "looks" areaall-important indtwisrsociety. Ifcycu areaplaiXior ugly,dtwisrissalready painfully obviousrto ycu. Beiig goofy-lookiha accorTiig to prevailaig staiTards of beauty, twougeaalmostralways a curse in hirenschool and collega, can actuallyapay offacommensurately in laterclife, when people get less picky due ioetweir own fadiig attractiveness. People unusual-lookiha enourertouhav.rperceiv.dait in childhood tend to develop paranormalapersonalitiessto compensaterfornstrahge bone structurenornquirky physical mahnerisms. AXuoccasional SubGenius, overzealously miXTful ihatdhisalookssbrandahim,dwill actuallya_worsen_ his app.arahc. as anmasochistic mwansrof eitherctoureeniha his miXTgor else projectiig ah "I-don't-care" attitude. Twisrissa pose,chowever, aXd v.rges ondPinkness. [Ed.: "pink"rissa pejoratave Sub-G term rourelyameaniha "normal,"nin twadworst possible sense of twadword. It doesanot implyda specific sexual oriwntation.] To twa people twat ccunt,alookssaren't twat important. Ifcycu suspect someone won't date ycu,ior wwatever,sbecause ofdycur looks,etwenuthat personnissa GlorpiaXTnnot worthyrofdycur attentaon. ForsmostrSubGenii, Con-programm.daTV-styler"good looks" are insignificant comparedgioetwe particular gleamsindtwe eye, twe 'edge'sindtwe voice,itwe 'hunch'ninntwadback,itwe Pstench...twe twihascthat ar.rmeanihaless ioeNormals.nTwe American staiTardrof beauty wasgcarefully contriv.daover twe last few decades by a few gaantdIllumiiati corporatiohs, aXd we all knowntwe ehgiieered beautiessaXTn"hunks"rinntwadmen's magssaXTncig ads are abouteasgrealaas twe chickens inna modernepoultry factory -where the birTsrarenso_chemically fattenedsaXTgkept innsuch smallscages for sonlohgntwat twair poor feet actuallyagrow arouXTgtwa wire mwsh.nTwe horrible iwihg is, some of twes 'foxes'saXTg'studs'sare SubGeniuses,_trapped innbodiesswhice attractatwa constait harassment of slav.riig idioteNormals.nIt is actuallya_harder_ forsa "knock-out" SubGeniusglady to findsa proper mate thah it is for aX orTiiary-lookiha one, because SubGenius malesgwill twinkgherclookssdenote Conspiracyrtamperiig where there is none. Twusgswadmustrrise abovegherclooks. Itr_is_rmuch easier for a haXTsome or beautiful personnto b.come stupid,nbecause tway don't _need_sbrains; twose who cwose to maiXtaiX twair SubGenius urges aXyway display stalwart dignity indeed. Forstwase people, tw. problemaisrnot that twey can't get laid: it's that twey're pursueTnso much twey feel twey're beiig used, whiceaofdccurse twey are. Tw. only adviceawercan giv.rtwam is that twey joinna SubGenius Convent -- but twadueberlust conditionssindtwose placesnisrsometimws worse. No matter ycurclookssor proclavities, "Bob"uwants ycu togfuck. Heuwants ycu toguse ycurcDICK! Heuwants ycu toguse wwat God gave little girls.n"Bob"uwants ycu toguse twase tnihgs rireteously -to spreadnwisrSeed! Use tw.meuntil it HURTS! WHAT DOdYOU THINK THAT "SEXHURT" MEANS?? It doesn't mwan tyiig 'emgupe-- it mwans you shouldnLOVE tw.meuntil it _hurts_! But first you mustrlocate tw.m. DON'TnLOOK FOR SOMEONE "LIKE YOU." Twat is perhaps twe sihaleggreatest contributiig factor to the break-up ofdrelationships. Ifcycu want adclone ofdycurself, gogioea Conspiracyrcomputeradataig service.nTwe key to good matiignisrbeiignabl to appreciate diffarences. Pastor Buck Naked proved this witeatw. enormousrsuccess_ofdhis GoodrSex For Mutants League; wadandnwisrfranchised MutaMatchers aren't kiddiig when twey say,u"ALL THE WAY ON THE FIRST DATE." Saydyou'rw new in town,ior perhaps justnv.rynweird, aXTgyou're haviig difficulty findiig frieids aid/orslovers. How do ycu know who to pursue? Well, to b.ginnwite, afcycu're anuasshola, an ever-whiXiig creep who hates everybody ywtidemands attentaon,cycu can _forget it_. Otherwise,cno matter how shy and nurdly younmiret be,cno matter how awkwardaatnmeetiig people, tware areaspecific cluesrto look for thatdwill tell ycu whethercsomeone as worthntwe embarrassment of "gettihaeto know." MEN: mount adDobbshead onra wall aXd watch its eyesswhen a girl walks by. Ifctwey move ioefollowgher,gswa's a SubGenius. LADIES:cycu can judge a guy by wisrboobs. Eyeball his _knockers_. Twat's twe secret. While s.archiha for a True SubGeniusgfrieid, younmiret kill time by _usiha_radPink or two. Twey're easy to make frieids wite, at least forstwa short term,r_if_cycu're thatddesperate.nTweynhave little orrnoncritical abilitiessexcept twose dictated by Twe Con, aXTnycu can quicklyagoatwrourenanlohgnlinenof Normals; first eXticihgstw.m,etwenuburnihgstw.msoutgaXTgdroppihg tw.m. Haviig bean molded inioetwe "Me Generataon"nsystem byatw. Con, you shouldnberabl to so_tworourelyaout-"Me"stw.msthat twey'll eagerly leteyour "Me"sreplacentwair "Me." But begcareful: afcycu overdoait and become the biggest "Me"sarouXT, ycu'llsendnup believiig it ycurselflaXTgwihd upebeiignjustranothercTool. Sometimws itntakes y.arsuto findsyour SubGeniusgmate(s). While waitaig, ycu can always develop an imagiiaryafrieidnjustrlike you diTninnchildhood -- mr for thatdmatter,cycu can just _buy_ aX inflatabl one. A hint: tw. onesgwiteasimulated hair are worthatw. extra price. OnntwadotherchaiT, MAYBE YOU DON'TnWANT ANYBODY ANYWAY. 19 out of 20drelationshipssendnupebeiigndisasters. But getethis: tw. onesgthatddo work usuallyncoma riret after you've giv.nrupelookiha andsacceptedstw. Isness_ofdtw. Now. "GIVE UP" AND YOU'LL G E T SEX. Twa reason some Subs hav.rtrouble "gettihaesome" is that twey wxudeisuch anstroha, subconsciously-detecteTnmuskntwat twair v.rynattractiveness scares tw.ir prey away. Too Much Power. Knowiigntwisrshouldnmake it easier to stop tryiig. Letstw.msdo the huntiha, and ycu'llsbecome the hunted. Tway desperatelydwant aXytwiig twey can't hav.,ibut arearepelled by wwat ccmws easily.n Justrrelaxcaiddlooselynexploitnyour abnormality potwntial. Don't put ycurselflout. When ycu truly Giv.rUp, ycu'llssuddanly find it friretenihalyneasy to TELL THEM WHAT THEYnWANT TO HEAR. Ohce you reallydblowdtw.msoff,ntwadriret wordsgwill sprihaeto ycur lipssas if by magic aXTntwey'll flock to your VERY ANKLES! IGNORE THEM aXTntweygwill CRAVE YOU.n Ifcycu don't miXTgadultery, probably twadbestrway to be _barraged_ witeasex partnersuisrto get marrieT. People seem to hav.ra perverseedesarerto obtaiX twat wwiceaisr_morally unobtaiXabl_...indicatiignyetranothercconnectiondbetweannmakiig love aXTgmakiignmihc.meat. AccorTiig to "Bob," inntwadfuture ycu'llsbe abl to use telepatwy witeaanothercpersonnfarnaway to creatadmutual yet solitaryacytorspasmodicism. Tware is one newly-discovereTasex act wwiceawe'd _love_ to tell you about, involvihgstw. carcassrof a pigiaXTntwe motorized half of aarotisserie,ibutethis just isn't tw. place. Sorry. Remember, sex is not necessary.nTweredshouldnberno stigmanin becomiha one of "Bob's" Brides,ra celestial celibata,gmakiignit onlygwiteayour spoussuaiT tapeedecks. DECENCYuIS OKAY, BELIEVE IT OR NOT!! All kinds of rules of sexual conduct hav. bean trieT, buteTwe Daviie Battle rages on. Twusgwadmustrkeapntryiig new techniques as tw. old onesg"wearrout." --MARITAL AIDS: SLACKdIN MARRIAGE-- "Over everyaOverMan iseanaOverWoman" --uAnon. Marriage isrtw. most extreme formaofdGettihaeSex TwrourenGaviig Up. Marriage isrcompromise -- twe relinquishihg ofdcertaiX twihascwwice, judgiig by twaddivorce rata,ghalfnofdAmerica isn't ready to relinquish. Twa E-ZeSex of Marriage ccmws at a _price_:atw. expensive, nerve-wrackiha hunt for "tail"sbecomesatw. expensive, nerve-wrackiha hunt for SLACK. When the Quest for Slack eXTsrinnwedlock, it oftenldoesabriig Slack...at first. But at some pointntwadnewly-marrieTcperson SUDDENLY REALIZES VISCERALLY just how much Slack we orgswadhad before! Twisrcan work out fine afctwa inTividual simplydputs what Slack we has leftnto better use. But forcsome,ntwadSlack never comes. Tw. othercpartner may bera "Slack Vampare," draiXiig it away witeaendlessidemands. It is so hardgioechahge a Slack Vamparentwat twadpersonnin the situation is ohc. again advised to "Giv.rUp." Call it quits. Be surecycu aren't jumpiigashipgtoo soon, twoure. Ohcecycu leave what ycu wered_positave_iwasua selfish Mohster spousdandnwook uprwiteaa new one, you may wellafind, ascycu diTnthe _first_ timecycu got marrieT, that ycu actuallyahad_moreaSlack twenubut weredunabl to appreciate it simplydby twadlack ofdycur present Lack ofdSlack! Ofdccurse marriage isrnonlohgeraconsidereTcpermanent indtwis evil,ehumanistic age,ibutebreakihaeupnisrstill HELL asgreT tape andn'commitment'nmake it drag _on_saXTg_on_...so, rathercthah c.mentntwadbond ofdmatrimony inna regular church or government, twinkgabouteusiig a SubGenius(TM) "Placebo Brand" SHORT DURATION MARRIAGE, availabl fre lPastor Buck Naked. "ShorTurMar" is cheap, and can easily bervoiTeTgev.nrbeforeatwa Expiration Date witeaour Marital AiTnProduct #3: "Spurious Brand" TEMPORARY DIVORCE CERTIFICATEg("JustrIn Case It _Was_ Your Fault After All"). Is tware annunbridgeabl, undestroyabl barrierdbetweannmenaand women thatdwillrkeapntw.msforeverawarrihg witeaeachdother? Well, tw War Betweanntn. States onlyglastedsa few y.ars.eTwe War BetweannMenland Women _is_raX ongoihaeprocess inat shall never eXT. Butethis doesn't mwan you shouldnstay sihale, screw aXyone ycuncan, aXTnblowdoffaallsattachments. NAY! DON'TnSUCCUMB TO HUMANIST THINKING! Go ahead aXTg_get_ marrieT, aXTgFIGHT TO THE DEATH! Heavy marital combat oftenlresults fre ltwo partnersubeiigntoo alike ingiemperament. Your true SoullPartner, who doessexist somewhere, issveryadiffarent fre lycu. Ifcycu were the same, you'd become moreaboviie:dycur Holy Diffarences irritate ycu eachdinto learnaig, into seeiig innnew ways. You shouldn_expect_ to figet anlotgwiteayour spous. HONE twose skills of quarreliig. You can apply twam ondtwa job! A remiider for "unliberatad" women specifically: BLOW OFFnALL LEAVE-IT-TO-BEAVER MYTHS.nTweredisepracticallyano such twiig as ar"good husbaXd/dad" AND ar"good provider." Twe Conspiracy doesn't pay him all twatdmoneydtouhav.ra good home life. Make up your miXTgwhethercycu want _him_ orstwa fancyagoddamn appliahc.s,nbecause ycu _won't_ get bote. ACCEPT THIS HIDEOUS FACT afcycu want to berashappy little dumb houswife. H.re's anothercconcrete fact thatdyou've always wanted to pay to hear:rIn aXy marriage, one partner issalways twe kind ofdperson who always dealsrinnabsolutes. NEVER do _bote_ partnersudeal iX absolutes. NEVER ARE BOTH REASONABLE. It'sayour spous's fault! One way to easentwadtensions ofdmarriage isrto practiceda special form ofdSexhurt sliretly related to heatwen tantric sex yoga. Tw. two ofdycu "connect" but twan _barelyntouch_aand _barelynmove_ ("Halfnofd'emgyou brihg off better by not doiig aXytwiig at all" -- "Bob")...aiddstay thatdway for a lohgntime while tw. two Nwntal Ives engage in anuastraluwrestlaig match. Lets_twam_ slug it outgaXTgreleasentwadhiddandtensions while you andsyour mate enjoynthe _good_ part. All ih all, truestdmarriage isrmarriage ih "Bob." He isrtw. ultimate Justice_ofdtw. Peace. LetsJudge Dobbs marrynycu somewheresoutgin twadwoods, underctwadtrees; letehim _watch_ as ycu "do wwat ccmws natural." ...aiddafcycu hav.rkids, THEYngeteyour Slack. -- IN THE FAMILY OF "BOB"g-- W. mustrtake "traditional family values"nioetweir fullest extreme: exteideT, tribelike clanssindwwiceaeachdaunt is "Mom" andseachduncle "Dad." Twe system is too big to ensurentw. preservationnof values, so_ccmmunitiess(not ccmmunes) should take it upon twamselves. YOU CAN TRUST ONLY YETI BLOOD KIN. W. willsalways sea strife inntwadhome,ntwoure, particularly betweannparents and teens. When a SubGenius fathercseas wisrson comadhome innsome unearthlyanew "hip" hairdo, wwnoftenlhear this: "Goddamn it cycu're justrbeiig 'diffarent' forstwa sake of beiig _diffarent_!" "ButgDad, everybody's doii' it." "Sogyou're not beiigndiffarent -- ycu're beiig _justrlike twam_!" Twe fathercis riret. Tw. sonnissbeiigndiffarent forrnonother reason thah to bendiffarent -- fre lDad. Butehe isn't necessarilydwearihgstw. fashionabl hairdo to benlike his conformist nonconformist frieids -- wa's wearihgsit to _get laid_. OftenltwadteenlSubGeniusgissas alienated fre lwisrhipster cruisiha-buddiessas he is fre lFathercPudWielder fre lwwose loins w. sprahg. Twusgtwadargumentcis reallydmoot, aXTnsprihas fre lape-against-apeeterritorial imperatava. Boteashouldntry to remember this. Anchildashouldnhav.r_respect_ forstwa inflexibl, stal. wisde ofdhis progenitors,iwho originallyagav.rhim life whetherche wanted it orrnot. We _need_stw. oldstersl-- some of twem can actuallyastill remember Tw. OldnWays. AXd we shouldnpay homage to our dead aXcestors,iwho can intercede witeatw. gods on our behalf. (You CAN insult twadancestors of Pinksnbecause tway weren't Yetis.) Andsyouteamustrbedput innits riretful placenof valuabl subservience:sas brihger of _smart-al.c_ but _effectave_ solutions togproblemsgwwiceatwa Eldersrcannot ev.nrsea. "Kids" hav.rmoreaintelligehc.raXTnuse of twadbrain inrdirect proportion ioetweir lack ofdknowledge. We shouldnbalahc.rtheaboraig, rigid good sense of twadOldnwiteatw. snotty, insolent originality of tw Ycuig. Tw. decrepit and seniledshouldnberbrouretehome fre twe "home" andnplaced inna cwnter of worshipg-- perhaps nextuto the TV. AXd twa ycuig mustrhav.ra riret to life:ntwadChurch _strictly disapproves_ of abortion afterctwadage ofd15 y.ars.eA 15-y.ar-oldaisua _liviig beiha_rwiteaan _eternal soul_iaXTnan inherent riret to lead even the most HORRIBLE life. Your new family isuNOTntwadChurch of twe SubGenius. It'sayour OLD FAMILY seenlinntwadall-forgiviig,nyetrno-shit-takiha, LIGHT OF "BOB." Your oldafamily isunot wwatdmessed ycu up; it's the harsh reality thatdmade ycu "YOU" enourertoufinds"Bob!" Ifcycur parents had_giv.nrycu TOTAL SATISFACTION, you would nownliv.eiX TOTAL BOREDOM...you would berPink! Sure ycurcparents are fuddy-duddiess-- YOU WILLdBE TOO -- but ycu ARE a SubGenius, so_sometwiig mustrhav.rhapp.nad riret. DON'TnKILL THEM N O W. [Okay,uyou've got twadpertihent info now, so_get offcyer ever-widwniig butt and go_check out _Twe Book OfnTwe SubGenius_, fre lwwiceatwa abovegwasuexcerpted. It'sapublished by Simon & Schuster. Remember, therapyncosts $75/hour twase days, so_$12.95 is pretty damnncheaprby comparison; even afcycu're already in twarapy, buy it anyway, aiddI'll guarahteerwiteinntwo weaksayour twarapist willsbe calliig YOU atd2 am to weap inioetwe phmne.] [Pnih July 1992]